transcripts.jsonl

{"Title": "Born on 3rd Base", "Artist": "Gary Gulman", "Intro": "\"Born on 3rd Base\" is Gary Gulman's humorously poignant exploration of poverty and societal inequities, delivered with insightful wit and a bold, unapologetic stance.", "context": "  Gary Gulman’s “Born on 3rd Base” transcends traditional observational comedy, offering an hour-long commentary on poverty and inequality with humor and unwavering candor. Set against the grandeur of Toronto’s Great Hall, Gulman transforms mundane experiences into poignant critiques of societal treatment of the poor, interweaving personal narratives with broader societal issues. His material, ranging from the trivialities of Pop-Tarts to the disparities in comedian earnings, is delivered with a confidence that challenges the audience to confront uncomfortable truths. Gulman’s approach is not only technically impressive but also deeply invested in pushing the boundaries of comedy to shed light on economic disparities, making the special a compelling blend of laughter and reflection.", "Text": "Anyhow, a lot of comedians are starting that way, and I think it’s, I think it’s kinda jazzy. Alright. Gary, start the special. It’s… Alright, so I’m doing the special material, but also, I wanna give you a quick excerpt from my one-person show, which is… it’s a work in progress, but I, I have the title. “Mommy, look! Mommy! Mommy!” “Mommy, look.” The subtext of my near 30-year comedy career is, “Mommy, look.” The same thing I’ve been screaming since I was 4 years old, just now, I’m doing it from the diaphragm. And with better posture, thanks to my theatrical training. Had my mother looked up once from her “People” magazine… …while I screamed, “Mommy!” I wouldn’t be here right now. I wouldn’t need this type of external validation. I– Some other maladjusted man-child would be here in my stead. I just wanna let the people in the front rows know that they are safe from me, asking what they do for work. I remember going to comedy shows when I was in high school, and later, and the comedian would ask somebody what they did for work, and then proceed to ridicule their profession. And I just remember thinking, if I am ever in the front row at a comedy show and a comedian asks me what I do for work, I will stand up and say, “What do you do for work?” I didn’t come here to be forcibly cast in your TikTok video. You lazy hack. But here’s the autobiography. I grew up in an oft-ignored sector of Jewish people called… poor. Which is kind of an O. Henry twist there. We were– We were poor Jews, but you laughed because it upset the status quo, but… A culture as big, about 12 million of us, as big as Jewish people, we have versions of you… within it. There are poor Jews, there are rich Jews, there are smart Jews, there are dumb Jews. There are athletic Jews. Yes, there are poor Jews. And we were proper poor. Food stamps, free lunch. Welfare. We were on it. We were on welfare. I got free lunch. The dirty little secret about the free lunch program is that it’s also free breakfast. If you could get to school by 6:15 a.m. for a school day that started at 8:50… The indignities they thrust upon poor kids never end, even in the timing of that, that you would be forced to get up at 5:45 to get some calories, it was almost– It had to have been planned. Let’s prepare these kids for their futures as migrant apple pickers… …and longshoremen… …by getting them up at 5:45 for breakfast. And if you got there by 6:15, you could get a half pint of milk, a Pop-Tart, and a variety pack-sized Kellogg’s cereal box. I-I’m sorry, I said “and.” Or a variety pack-sized… …cereal. And if you got there any later than 6:20, all the good variety pack cereals would be taken. So you would wind up with the Corn Flakes… …which I do not know why they included that in the variety pack. No kid wants Corn Flakes. I would sometimes play it off if I got there late. I would say, “Oh, no, no. I didn’t– “I didn’t want Frosted Flakes. “I wanted, I wanted the Corn Flakes.” “I, I use it in my chicken recipe.” “My, my chicken recipe calls for “a variety pack-size of… …Corn Flakes.” Now, if I got there on time, I would always get the, get the Pop-Tart. But even in the Pop-Tart, the Pop-Tart… was just a complete F-you to the poor kids who were eating it. First of all, it was one Pop-Tart. I knew they came in packs of two. I’m poor. I am not stupid. And then, the other thing about the Pop-Tart, they had enough frosting to spread it all the way to the edge. I’m sure there was a person in the factory who said, “Hey, boss, we have, we have a lot of extra frosting today. “Do you wanna spread it all the way to the edge for this next batch?” And he said, “Do you want these kids to ever stop sucking at the government teat?” “That bitter crust will remind them of what their futures are going to look like.” “Frosting all the way to the edge? “Are you insane? Why don’t we put frosting on both sides while we’re at it?” “What are we, Toaster Strudel? Get back to work, Eugene V. Debs.” Everything about the Pop-Tart they did to screw with poor kids. First of all, the name. It’s not a real tart. And it brought about a cultural blind spot in all poor kids, where the first time we saw a real tart… …there was this cognitive dissonance, this disconnect. “Wait a minute. This…” The first time I ever saw it was at an Au Bon Pain. Au Bon Pain! It was a tart. It said tart, but it looked nothing like a Pop-Tart. The, the real tart has nothing in common with the Pop-Tart. Th-The real tart, first of all, it’s three-dimensional. The Pop-Tart is barely dimensional. You, you would have to be living in Flatland to consider that a dimension. Also, the real tart has chunks of fruit. Apples, pears, raspberries, blueberries in it. Whereas the Pop-Tart has a suggestion of a rumor of a whisper of fruit-flavored, artificially colored schmutz. It’s so fraudulent that the Pop-Tart calls itself… a-a tart. I’m gonna use an analogy… to clarify this. The– The tart is to the Pop-Tart, as the Grizzly bear is to the… gummy bear. Just… That’s a really strong analogy. And the irony of me coming up with such an apt analogy… is that… I flunked out of analogy school. And flunking out of analogy school is like… It’s as if… I used to think they called it a Pop-Tart because it popped out of the toaster. No. Pop is short for populist. It’s the poor man’s tart. Welfare saved my family, and I’m not ashamed to have been on it. It just has been demonized for decades, and unnecessarily so. It’s infuriating to me because they’ve been making the same argument. Even since I was a kid, they keep making this same argument, and it, and it goes usually like this. “Well, welfare doesn’t work. “That’s why we wanna, we wanna get rid of it. “We wanna strangle the welfare programs “because it just… Doggone it.” “Dagnabbit.” “It doesn’t work. Oh gosh, how I wish it worked!” “But what happens is the-the welfare recipients, “they lose their initiative, “and they become dependent on welfare for generation after generation.” And I remember even at 7 years old, I could see through that flimsy argument. Th-The one thing I will say about poor kids for us is that we’re much more astute about financial ideas and mechanisms than the average person. The-The rich kids have no idea how much we know about what things really cost. Like, at 7 years old, and I’m not exaggerating, I understood the tax ramifications of the alimony portion of my parent’s divorce decree, okay? Because every April, my mother would be crying on the phone with the IRS because it was taxable. The alimony part was taxable, and she owed. And they would, they would say, “We’re gonna put a lien on your house.” And I didn’t know how to spell that type of lien. No. I knew it wasn’t “lean” on our house. There were tears involved. So, I just, I understood these things at a level that most kids don’t understand because these were like traumatic moments in my life. So that when I heard this argument, “Welfare doesn’t work. “The people lose their initiative. They become dependent for generation after generation,” I couldn’t have put this into words because I didn’t possess the words “breathtakingly” and “disingenuous.” But… I knew they were full of shit. And-And I would’ve said, “Oh, you’re looking out for my, oh, my initiative. Thank you.” “Thank you for looking out for my character. “I, I have to admit, I was being a little bit cynical. I, I thought you just didn’t wanna pay any taxes.” “But you were looking out for my character. “Thank you so much. “Can I just share a little concern I have? “You already have more money than you can spend. You’re just gonna leave it in a trust fund to your children.” A trust fund is this very expensive way to tell your children you don’t believe in them. “You’re gonna leave this money to your children “in a trust fund. And I just… “I worry your children are gonna lose their initiative “and become dependent for generation after generation, which…” “…is the more likely scenario, considering it’s a cliché.” It’s a cliché we’ve been playing for laughs for hundreds of years, so… Do you know how long the average family stays on welfare? Two years. Two years. Two years is not a generation. Unless you’re a bandicoot. That’s not generation after generation. My family, we were off welfare, all of us, by the time we got out of high school. A pittance of an investment in the Gulman boys. We’ve repaid over and over again in our own taxes. I’m doing fine. This is all Banana Republic. Now, full disclosure, I purchased this “ensemble”… …during one of Banana Republic’s thrice-weekly 40% off sales. If you put in any effort at all, if you show any initiative… …you can wear Banana Republic – for the price of Old Navy. – I am not exaggerating. Just wait until the next 40% off sale. Now. They should have to put a sign up when they’re not offering 40% off, and that sign should say, “closed.” “We’ll email you when the next price break comes up.” Then go online, find yourself an additional 20% off promo code. I’ll give you what I used last week. “Summer savings.” Enjoy. Enjoy. Stock up on tees. Whenever I get the promo code, I always think to myself, “I coulda guessed that.” But, the truth is I couldn’t have. It’s always just clever enough. Okay, summer savings? Hm? They spelled summer with a dollar sign. Oh, Banana! You impish scamp! $30 for the shorts. How much for the whimsy? Free whimsy at Banana Republic. Half-off caprice. Capris? The short– No, no, no. Caprice. A synonym for whimsy. Okay, that’s just a little– I always– I pander to my base. Which… Which is librarians. Librarians right now, when they– I had them at O. Henry. And then… We never felt too poor, I will say, and there were, there were three reasons. The reasons were threefold. Imagine. Imagine if I used that suffix “-fold.” It is, without a doubt, the most pretentious suffix… …in the English language. Just say there were three. Threefold? The same type of people who say “threefold” also say, “For lack of a better term.” Whereas working class people like us, instead of saying, for lack of a better term, we go, “Uh…” For lack of a better term. Just think of a better term! The second– The second most pretentious suffix, I would say, is “-esque.” Unless you’re talking about something French, I think you– We’re “-ish” people. I feel comfortable around people who say “-ish.” I think one of the most pretentious things you can say is “Kafkaesque.” That’s just… you’re showing off. We’re working class. Just say “Kafkish.” Which has the benefit of also sounding like a kosher pastry. Can I get a pound of the Kafkish? And a dozen rugelachhh. And a raisin chhhallah. I don’t know if, if Jews are doing this everywhere, but in an attempt to assimilate, I’ve noticed a lot of Jewish people pulling back on the “chhh.” They’re saying challah and rugelah. And I say no. Embrace the “chhh.” Embrace it! What are they gonna do? Hate us? Alright, so the reasons are threefold. There are three reasons… …why we didn’t feel poor. One. For a poor family, we had pretty good electronics. We frequently had a good television set. Sometimes, we even had a good stereo. And this was all thanks to my Uncle Norman’s job. My mother’s twin brother, Uncle Norman. His job, he was… a burglar. What did I tell you about Jewish people? We have a version of every profession. Uncle Norman was a burglar. And you’re like, “Yeah, but he got out of it and moved on.” No, no, no, he died a burglar. He was, actually, a fence. He would receive stolen merchandise and then resell it. The man never made an honest dollar in his life, but… he got us incredible electronics. Poor people, you have to understand, we’re not very picky about warranties and… …serial numbers and receipts. We just wanna watch color TV. So, Uncle Norman would get us these things, and sometimes, he would store things in our house until the heat was off. Wh-Which took on this other meaning for the heat was off, ’cause sometimes, the heat was off in our house. But we’d have a pinball machine in our kitchen. We were warming our hands on The Who’s “Tommy.” So, that was the first reason we didn’t feel poor. The second reason we didn’t feel poor was that the income inequality was not as vast, as significant, in the ’70s. And up until 1983-ish… …it wasn’t as bad as it, as it is now. What we’re living in now, I would categorize it as “Tale of Two Cities-esque.” In fact, it’s-it’s worse than 18th-century France, In 18th-century France, according to “Tale of Two Cities,” and I’ll just do a little bit of the preamble. The overlapping is-is astonishing. “It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.” Check. “It was the age of wisdom. It was the age of foolishness.” Big check. “It was the epoch of belief. It was the epoch of incredulity.” But I could keep going. But, at no point did Dickens say, “Also, three or four times a week, there was a show called ‘Shark Tank.'” Even the 18th-century French aristocrats never made their “entrepreneurs” dance for a small investment in their life’s work. That is a cruelty… …that is just us. I– That show… I hate it! Please, if you have an idea, do not go on “Shark Tank.” There are… places that offer much better terms… …than the “Shark Tank” sharks. I happen to have an accounting and finance degree from Boston College. “It’s no Harvard”… was our motto. It sounds much nicer in Latin. Okay, so here’s a place where you can get better terms than the “Shark Tank” sharks, and this is where you should take it. A bank! They make reasonable investments in small businesses. You know who else offers better terms than the “Shark Tank” sharks? The Devil! He’ll take your soul. He will not take as much of your annual net income as the “Shark Tank” sharks. Also, Mr. Gazzo from “Rocky 1,” the loan shark, he offers better terms than the “Shark Tank” sharks. Do not go on “Shark Tank.” I wanna start a show to counter-program against “Shark Tank,” and I would call it… “Guillotine.” And what would happen on “Guillotine” is billionaires would sit in front of working class folks like ourselves, and they would have to convince us not to chop their heads off on live television. And we– “How much of it are you gonna give away? “Some of it? No, no. That’s not enough. – That’s not enough. – Bring the blade up.” “You’re gonna give all of it away? Okay. Alright. No blade.” The income inequality is just… it’s cartoonish. Even in my business, just the difference between me and– Do you remember the guy who played Jerry on “Seinfeld”? Okay. He’s in the same business, ostensibly, as I am, but he is worth over $1 billion. And now let’s say he’s a, he’s a better comedian, for argument’s sake, but then we’ll come back to this universe. Can you imagine? Is he $999,911,000 better than me? And now, you know my net worth. About $89,000, if you consider my security deposit to be an asset. The accounting is murky on that. I’m probably not gonna get the entire… …security, ’cause I had, had dogs, and so… Here’s the thing. Jerry Seinfeld, okay? He owns a building in Manhattan where he houses his extensive Porsche collection. Okay? My wife and I, we don’t have enough room on our kitchen counter to keep the toaster on display at all times. You’re so generous. You are all picturing a four-slicer. It’s a deuce. My wife and I had to have an apartment-wide meeting… …in which we determined that we-we needed to keep the microwave oven on the counter because you can’t take it out every time you want popcorn. And we had to keep the coffee machine on the counter at all times because I want no delay in getting to the machine that makes the beverage that makes life tolerable. So, she said we should put the blender and the toaster in a cabinet. I’m sorry. The cabinet. And so why am I bitter? Because I can’t imagine that the Seinfelds have to rank their appliances. That’s why I’m jealous. The third reason. The third-fold… …why we never felt poor was my dad. Phil Gulman was what we call a mensch. He was a kind, thoughtful, generous man. A complete failure in terms of capitalism. He never made a great living, but he left us with such strong values. No valuables. I got– I’m not exaggerating. I got his copy of “Gone Girl.” But the values. I remember– This is why we didn’t feel poor. Because he had this policy. He would say, “If there’s something you really want, “just ask me. Don’t steal. Don’t go to Uncle Norman.” “Come to me. I’ll try to find the money.” And then sometimes, he would come through with the money. I remember for my 11th birthday, he got me all the books for “Dungeons and Dragons” and the expert playing set, which came with, like, nine different types of dice. But, unfortunately, and nobody could have foreseen this, it didn’t come with any friends. So he got me that. But then one year, I think it was, like, 1978, let’s say. I wanted to play– I wanted to keep playing hockey. But hockey, the price for a season of playing hockey was $50 in ’77. And then in 1978, they raised it to $500 because of a new tax policy in Massachusetts, where I grew up. It was called “Prop two-and-a-half.” And people would save 2.5% on their property taxes, and all they had to give up was children’s art, music, gym, afterschool sports, and tutoring. It sounded like a tax policy designed by a Roald Dahl villain. But I wanted to keep playing hockey, so I said to my dad, “I really wanna play hockey.” He said, “If you really wanna play hockey, “I’ll try to find the money “for you to play this sport you’ve shown no potential in.” “Not only have you shown no potential in hockey, but Jews…” “…have acquitted themselves with very little distinction, “to be honest with you, Gary. “Son, go grab the Sports Almanac. “We’re gonna look at the Hockey Hall of Fame. We will count the Jewish players in the Hockey Hall of Fame.” And we open up the book. He said, “Okay, ready? Done.” This was 1978. There were zero Jewish players in the Hockey Hall of Fame in 1978. Now, there are zero Jewish players in the Hockey Hall of Fame. My dad said, “Just for a point of comparison, son, “more Jews have been… the Messiah.” “Do you– “Do you understand that, Gary? That you… “are more likely to walk on water “than you are to skate on it, holding the Stanley Cup?” “But if you really wanna play, we’ll find the money. Yeah, we’ll find the money, Jesus.” One benefit, and I’m sure there are a number of benefits, to growing up poor, for one, it-it humbles you, but also, it makes you more compassionate, more empathetic. I think empathy is, is one of the most valuable things we can teach our kids and-and grow up with. It’s just– It’s almost automatic for poor people because we’ve struggled, and we feel bad seeing other people struggle or-or suffer. Now, that’s not 100% of poor people. Some people get money, and all of a sudden, they wanna pull up the ladder behind them and lock the door. But, for most of us, we really go out of our way to try and help people and also be more thoughtful and-and kind to people. You’ll notice that people who have worked fast food jobs are much more polite to the fast food people. People who have waited tables and bartended are the best tippers you will ever be around because we know how much those tips mean to people. And, and we go into fast food restaurants, and we’re much more patient with the people. I think one of the best examples of the rudeness that people treat fast food workers and workers of-of that category is at any of these restaurants where you direct the assembly of your meal. Your Chipotles, your Subways, your Just Salads, your Chop-t. Like, going to Chipotle, you may not have noticed this before tonight, but I assure you you will never not notice it after tonight. The people in front of you at Chipotle, as they direct the assembly of their burrito– Uh, sorry. Or their bowl. I try to be inclusive because– Because people, they feel hurt, and then you get the message the next day. “I was at Gary Gulman’s early show “in Toronto, where he ignored those of us who opt for the bowl.” “Who eschew…” “…the tortilla… “in favor of the bowl for dietary, religious, or political reasons.” Alright. As you’re directing the assembly of the burrito, or the bowl, the people in front of you, notice this. They’ll… Corn. Corn. Corn. Corn. Black beans. Brown rice. You’re like, “What, they point?” Nah, pointing is, is bad, but forgivable. They wag their fingers… …at other humans. That is staggeringly condescending. Also completely unnecessary. They know where the corn is. You found it. You don’t even work here. How would they not know where the corn is by this point in their shift? Just people who’ve worked in this job, we would never, because we’ve had fingers wagged at us. We would always give the Chipotle worker the benefit of the doubt. We would say “corn.” And then, if they looked baffled… …we would subtly… …before we ever got to that point! I wouldn’t last a shift at Chipotle. I’m so sensitive. Like, earlier tonight, I didn’t say anything ’cause we’re taping a special, but earlier tonight, when I said “Jewish poor,” I felt like most of you laughed in the right way. But, some of you, I felt, um… I mean, I might be being overly sensitive, but did you feel a little bit of a Holocaust denial? Like-Like, there was a laugh, it was like, “ha ha ha ha.” And you, you just heard, “ha ha ha ha.” I heard, “The numbers were exaggerated!” But I’m overly sensitive. So, what I’m saying is… I would not last six seconds at Chipotle. Somebody would come in. “Corn.” And I would… Brenda, I found the corn! It was with the other toppings! Isn’t, isn’t it always the last place you look? She’s– – I sent her into the walk-in. – She must be freezing, and it was here all along. Thank you so much. Where is the brown rice? But make sure to jam your finger into the sneeze guard so I have something to Windex at the end of my shift. Just something to look forward to… …before I go home. How can you be that mean to people? Just that… dismissive of people who probably aren’t being paid a living wage. Might have health insurance. Definitely don’t have dental. I-I love my dentist, but I have… I have a history with dentists in that, I don’t know if you know this about poor people, but most people go to a dentist for their teeth. But poor people, my mother specifically, would go to a local university that had a dental school, and these hungover 23-year-olds would take their midterms in my mother’s mouth, basically, just– And fail again and again and again. Just these mediocre students, just mucking around in my mother’s incisors and bicuspids. And it just built in me kind of this-this antipathy towards dentistry because– I love my dentist, but dentistry, it’s organized crime. First of all, the hygienist does 99.985% of the work. It shouldn’t be called, “going to the dentist.” It should be called, “going to the hygienist featuring the dentist.” Like, the dentist shows up, has this Stan Lee-ish cameo. One line, which is always, “Oh, we don’t take any insurance.” Did you think you had insurance? You don’t have insurance. You have a free cleaning, which is like the loss leader of dentistry. It’s like the cheap grapes at the front of the grocery store. You’re– “We brought you in here “to find $8,000 worth of work we can do in your mouth. So, no, you don’t have, you don’t have insurance.” You know how you know you don’t have dental insurance? You need dental insurance. That’s how you know you don’t have it. Every other doctor takes insurance. Dr. Dre takes my insurance. Doctors Who, Seuss, Dolittle, Strange, and Doom all take my insurance. They take my insurance in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. “Doctor, doctor, give me the news.” “I’ve got a bad case of loving you.” He… …takes my insurance. It’s unfathomable. A heart surgeon will open up your chest, replace a valve, put in four stents, save and extend your life, $45 co-pay. A… dentist mostly fills miniature potholes. Cash only today. We’ll work out a payment plan like any other strip mall retailer, but you’re gonna pay. And what’s so surprising is that dentists have all come together to deny my insurance. And yet, they are a profession notorious for not being able to reach a consensus on even the simplest of propositions. In a study… …a very serious, important, groundbreaking study, only four out of five dentists… …felt comfortable recommending Trident… …to their patients who chew gum! Now, you-you have to be around my age or older to understand why I stress “chew” gum. There was this commercial in which the narrator would say, “Four out of five dentists recommend Trident to their patients who ‘chew’ gum.” And I remember as a kid, I would say to my mother, “Why are they saying it like that?” “Why are they saying ‘chew’ gum? It should be chew gum.” And my mother by this point had developed Stockholm syndrome. And so, she would side with the dentists. And a lot of poor people, we have this pathology where we convey wisdom on rich people that they just don’t have. So, I would say to my mother, I said, “Why would they say their patients who ‘chew’ gum?” And my mother, always defending the rich, “I think they know what they’re doing, Gar.” Not in this case! By saying they’re patients who “chew” gum, they’re making it sound like there are alternatives… …to how we ingest gum. Oh, you recommend Trident to your patients who “chew” gum? What do you recommend to your patients who… snort gum? What do you recommend to your IV gum users? What do you recommend they…? Fruit Stripe gum? Okay, yeah. ‘Cause it starts off very strong, and then it, it doesn’t linger. What do you recommend to your patients who absorb gum through a semi-permeable membrane using a process known as osmosis? In other words, what do you tell your amoeba patients? Sorry, or your paramecium. I just don’t wanna get that… “I’m a paramecia. “A zillion of us came to Gary Gulman’s early show, “and we were so disappointed “that he acknowledged the amoebas, “but ignored almost half of the unicellular organism community.” “This was a slight I felt deep in my ribosome…” “…and mitochondria. My husband was literally pulling his cilia out.” Many of you sat in science class in eighth grade and thought, “When are we gonna need this?” June 22nd… 2020… I’m gonna dub in whatever year it is. Every year, I’m gonna… “Four,” so it’ll be, “This guy, he’s unbelievable.” ’24. But I have, I have a strong empathy. It might be– Sometimes, it gets in the way of enjoying things, and I, I think, “Well, I can’t enjoy certain things.” Like, I don’t– I’ve been upgraded to first class sometimes because I have all these miles from traveling, and I just don’t enjoy a moment of it because I feel like kind of a traitor to my class. And I’m-I’m incredibly insecure, and I’ve spent so much time walking through first class and just judging and, and making up stories in my head. And I don’t mean to distance myself from you, but I fly Comfort Plus. It’s just, it’s a, it’s a trade-off. For an extra $135, usually, I can get the legroom that prevents me from having my legs amputated because of blood clots. I cannot sit in-in the coach class. It just doesn’t work for me. So, I’m going to my Comfort Plus seat. I get so anxious and embittered. I always say, “Honey, don’t be impressed with these people. “If they had their shit together, they’d be in a private jet right now.” “They all have bosses. They all have bosses. “Don’t be dazzled by their Tommy Bahama polo shirts. These are not people to be impressed with.” The sad part is I’m almost always traveling alone when I do that. I can’t because of the empathy. I’m always boycotting things because I feel bad for enjoying things because of what they represent. I-I won’t drive a Mercedes-Benz. Even if I could afford one, I would not drive a Mercedes-Benz. Just so we’re all on the same page, Mercedes-Benz was not neutral during the Holocaust. They chose a side, and I, and I’m not going to– If you’re a Jew and you drive a Mercedes-Benz, please just tell me you won it in a raffle. I cannot… abide… Jews driving Mercedes-Benzes. I’m always boycotting things. I used to watch the NFL every Sunday from between four and 14 hours and… And then, they banned Colin Kaepernick from making a very reasonable protest by taking a knee. And I said, well, I’m done with that group. And the thing that’s aggravating is my boycotts never work. They’re having another Super Bowl. It’s already been given a date. I became vegan after seeing this documentary called “Food, Inc.” I saw how they were treating the chickens, and I said, “Well, that’s the end of that.” And I– Oh, man, I loved, I loved those foods. But then, I said, “I can’t. I can’t be a part of that.” Then, I saw a picture of a sea turtle in “National Geographic,” and it had a plastic straw stuck in its, in its cute little nostril, and they had to use a pliers to take it out. And I thought, “Oh, that could have been my plastic straw from a…” Right? It could’ve been any of our… …plastic straws. And I made a vow that day. I say, “From here on out, it will not be one of my plastic straws.” And people, when I told them I’m off plastic straws, they go, “What do you do about smoothies?” And I said, “Well, I-I put a moratorium on smoothies until I– until I could figure it out.” And what I figured out was that this, this stainless steel straw is the answer. It’s a a really good suck. By the way, I have no dog in the sea turtle fight. None of my ancestors are sea turtles. But the empathy, oy. So, I use this, and I-I love it. For $14.99, I got four of these, and it comes with a free pipe cleaner which answers your question, “How do you keep it clean?” Free pipe cleaner. So, look at me. I’m not only saving the majestic sea turtle, but also the near defunct… …the moribund pipe cleaner industry. The– The pipe cleaner industry was on its last legs. And here’s what’s so precious about the pipe cleaner industry’s last legs. It’s made out of a pipe cleaner. It’s made out of a pipe cleaner. And what they did was they took the points, and they, they folded it up so it looks like feet. Empathy. The thing with empathy is that… certain things, they hit you so hard, you feel it, and it can limit you. Like, because of my empathy, I can’t watch… close-up magic anymore. Which sounds like a non-sequitur, but it’s a sequitur. Okay, I have been a fan of magic as long as I’ve been… coherent, and I used to be a-a magician when I was a kid. Like a lotta kids, I had tricks, and I had a magic set, and I would make tricks from books and things like that, and I would practice all the time. And then one Passover, on, I think, night two at a seder, I asked my dad if I could put on a little magic show after the– Of course, I would do my job. I would ask the four questions, but then after the seder, after Dayenu say… “Gulman got really Jewy.” “I thought his base was librarians.” “It’s middle-aged Jews.” I asked my father if I could do a magic show, and he said, “I, I don’t know, son. It might be a sacrilege to do magic on Passover.” And my argument was, I said, “Dad, “what was Moses’ splitting of the Red Sea but the greatest ta-da…” “…in Jewish history?” And he, and he laughed, and he said, “Keep it tight.” Okay, so I was doing the magic tricks, and my brothers were sitting there and just calling out every single trick. “What’s in your other hand? Roll up your sleeve. What did you just drop?” And I was 7. You’re picturing them being 10 or 11, which is obnoxious, but forgivable. They were 20 and 23. The gift you have given me tonight, that I can be myself. Like, you enjoy my jokes, but you also enjoy me, which is just– I don’t know if you know what goes on… I don’t know if you know what goes on before the show, but I, I say a little prayer of gratitude. I still loved magic all my years. And I-I remember the last time I went to a magic show. I was so moved. I went to this show at the Magic Castle in Hollywood. And the young man did this trick. And it sounds basic, but it was very complicated, and I knew how much effort must have gone into perfecting it. So, he does this thing. He says, “Pick a card, any card.” I pick the queen of diamonds. And then he handed me the queen of diamonds and a Sharpie and asked me to sign the back of the card. And so, I did that. Then he took the card with my signature and the Sharpie, put it into the deck, and did a series of elaborate shuffles, culminating in the cascading bridge. The… My sound effects are so poor. Cascading bridge, which I can’t do and makes me less of a man. Sometimes, people will ask me, they’ll say, “Gary, do you wanna play poker with us?” And I’ll say, “Oh, I don’t, I don’t gamble.” But the truth is I don’t shuffle. But, this guy, his cascading bridge, it was just perfection. So, he takes the deck, and then he put it into the pocket. This pocket in his blazer. From this pocket, he removed an orange. And I screamed, “How?!” “I just saw you put the deck into this pocket. I watched every moment of it from here to here. Now, you’re implying it’s in the middle of that orange?” When I told my mom this story, she said, “Gar, honey, how’d you know the card was in the orange?” And I said, “Oh, that’s because I– I’ve seen magic before, you dingbat.” He didn’t pull out the orange ’cause he was concerned I had scurvy. “Bullocks to Gulman, who so blithely mentioned scurvy.” “A vitamin C deficiency that ravaged the British Royal Navy “in the 17th and 18th centuries. “First, he went after ‘Seinfeld,’ and I said nothin’.” “‘Cause I weren’t ‘Seinfeld.’ “Then, he went after dentists, and I said nothin’ ’cause I don’t care for them blokes neither. And he says, “Inspect it, make sure it hasn’t been doctored or manipulated in any way.” I said, “What can I prove?” “Without… “Without an MRI, “I got nothing. All I can say is bravo. “This is the greatest trick I’ve seen from this distance in my life. You are incredible.” And so, I handed him back the orange. He peeled it. Sure enough, in the center, queen of diamonds. My signature. Some pulp. “He’s self-referential!” And then he said, and this, to me, was the most impressive part of the trick. He said, “Is this your card?” That blew me away, right? The humility. I don’t possess that. It’s, it’s insecurity. I gloat. I boast. It’s– I know it sounds counterintuitive, but when you don’t believe in yourself, you’re so shocked when you come through, you’re like, “Yeah, in your face!” Like, I’ve been obnoxious about that. Like, when I was in high school, if I– uh, playing basketball, if I made a shot over you, and I, I would have… …and your coach called timeout to staunch the bleeding… …I wouldn’t go over to my huddle. I would go over to your huddle, stick my beak in, and say, “I’d bring in someone who can guard me.” And sometimes, the referee would come over and say, “Son, you pull that again, I’m gonna tee you up.” And I would say, “Pull what? Offer sage defensive counsel?” Sometimes, I’d go to the free throw line, I’d make the first one, and then, I’d turn to whoever fouled me and say, “Regrets?” “We could all be playing basketball right now if you’d shown a little self-control.” “I’m gonna make this next one, “even though your fans and cheerleaders are screaming, “Miss!” Lemme tell you something, kids. While you were all at prom and semi-formal and the Enchantment Under the Sea dance, I was keeping my elbow in… …and following through. I’m not gonna miss. You know what I consider a miss? If it hits any part of the rim before falling through the net. That’s my miss. It has to be esthetically pleasing as well as go through the points. If it hits, if it goes “g-g-g-g-g, I’ll cover my ears and scream, “Too loud!” Now, that’s high school basketball. The stakes are very low. Look familiar, fuckface? How did I do it? I’m magic! Now, you’re wondering where, where does the empathy come in? He said, “Is this your card?” And I felt it. I, I wanted to say, “Not only is that my card, “this is the greatest trick I’ve ever seen in my life. “You are… “a perfect athlete, “a deft magician. “I am… I am in awe of you, sir. I am blown away.” But, because of the empathy, my jubilance was suppressed, and all I could muster was, “I cannot fathom… how lonely your childhood was.” The isolation must have been excruciating. You said, “Is this your card?” I heard, “Mommy, look! Mommy!” “Mommy! Mommy!” So, I’m, I’m gonna start this special, but what I’ve noticed with some of the-the specials I’ve seen of, of comedians that I really admire, they-they kinda start in medias res. So you don’t even hear the-the, the– In ninth grade, I learned in medias res. I think it means in the middle of things, but sounds much nicer. Anyhow, a lot of comedians are starting that way, and I think it’s, I think it’s kinda jazzy. So, like, the special might start with me going, “It’s kinda jazzy.” And then, there’s like mystery of the people who weren’t here, thinking, “I wonder– I wonder what I missed?”  Into tomorrows and   Take it as it goes…"}
{"Title": "The Special Special Special!", "Artist": "Maria Bamford", "Intro": "Spend an intimate evening with Maria Bamford in her cozy 'shot-at-home' comedy special. Gleeful, thrilling, and oh so awkward Maria gets snug with her two person audience consisting of only her parents.", "context": "", "Text": "The reason I decided to do the special here uh, was because it is free to perform in your own home. We are at the Maria Bamford special! Are you guys psyched? Are we all psyched? I’ve been in a few seconds of certain movies, but the people I’m really creating things for are Joel and Marilyn Bamford, my parents. I do know their names, Joel… And Marilyn Bamford. It’s Maria Bamford, performing live in her own living room in Eagle Rock, California. It’s gonna be a special, special special. My curling iron’s pretty hot. These curls are gonna be tight. All right, and we’re ready. Let’s hear you laugh. Let’s hear you laugh. That’s right. We’re ready to begin. Wayne, let’s get some music going, get maria out here. You know her from birth. You’ve known her for a long time, since the very beginning. Whoa! Boom! Yeah. Yeah, eagle rock! Thanks so much for coming, mom and dad. I don’t know about you, but I’m really pretty concerned about celebrity chef Paula Deen, because now her recipes really read like a suicide note. [Southern accent] you know, we gonna be making some sweet creams, little balls of butter churned in Crisco, fatback cracklings, blubber, margarine, mayonnaise, each day I wake to a fresh nightmare. The pain is too great. Roll that in some granulated sugar, powdered sugar, candy, candy coat, gummy snacks, melba toast, cupcakes… [Grunting] some nerds. Don’t look for me. I’ve made a plan, and I will follow through with it. Dress that in some fudge. Heavy cream, whipped cream, sour cream, ice cream, cake batter, peanut butter, french-fried stuff, marshmallow fluff, waffle. [Grunting] an egg. Bon apetit, and goodbye.” [Normal voice] She’ll be fine. I’m trying to learn to cook. Everybody always says how easy it is to cook, but it is not any easier than not cooking. Oh, just get a really good virgin olive oil. Uh, girl scout cookie wrapped in meat? Oh, no, just slice up a couple of vegetables, squeezy cheese on finger, can of wine. [Grunting] No, just… Preheat the oven to– aah! Hot power bar from glove compartment. Ooh, doodly-doo, doodly-doo, doodly-doo. [Laughs] Fresh from the oven. [Laughter] so, um… I wish they’d provide recipes for food that you can get at the gas station. Have you ever had a gas station tuna fish sandwich? Oh, my gosh. So good, ’cause there’s no tuna it. It’s just a scrumptious fishy nougat. Or a gas station muffin– [gasps] you’d have to start with the color yellow. Those beautiful golden giants, how do they make them seem so real? I always want to call up one of those public-radio cooking shows, and ask, “hi, my husband and I– we love the show. “Guests are coming in at 6:00. “I’m gonna pick up the slurpees at 5:45. “The corn-dog taquito rollers– in order to keep them warm, do I just sit on them?” “I’ll take my answer off the air.” [Laughs] I have some friends who are health-oriented, and they say things like, “you know, you love carrot cake. All you need to do is just put a carrot in a cake pan.” Oh, you mean instead of having something that I really like, have a lot of something that I really hate? In that vein, I have, uh… Exchanged my afternoon M&M snack with a long walk through the tunnels of the L.A. River, and I listen to myself making this noise. [Breathing shakily] [laughter] it’s almost a little too rich. [Laughing] a little too sweet. I would like to be a vegetarian, because I would like to think that I’d be an oskar schindler in the face of a systematic genocide, but apparently, first, they came for the cheeseburgers, and I said nothing ’cause I was not a cheeseburger. [Laughing goofily] [smoke detector beeping] okay. Not cool. Not cool. Okay. Ah, ha ha! Cookies. Cookies! That’s what makes it so special. [Humming] Hey, right? Anybody? [Jaunty music] Ooh, ah. Cookies, here you go. Here you go. Please. Wow. Please take one or– just one? Well, yeah– well, okay, you can have two. We got to make sure there’s enough for everybody in the crew. Got to make sure. Would you like a cookie? Yes.   Yes. Oh, sound friend? We’ll have to keep… Here, I’ll take the tray. Oh, okay. Oh, great, great. Thank you so much. Okay. [Music stops] very nice. Very nice. I myself have not had a lot of confidence. I have not had the gift of, “yeah, we both met, and we both just kind of knew.” Oh, oh, so you guys never fight about anything? “Oh… [Laughs] he doesn’t like onions.” Oh, so you never had any issues you had to work through with, like, a fucking workbook? “You know, if were you, I’d just watch out for red flags.” Oh, okay. But what if I’m, like, a flag factory that only manufactures giant red flags. [Imitates flag flapping] “Maybe you need to learn to be the one before you meet the one.” Oh, is that Bob Dylan? [Laughs] he’s so funny. “Hey, good luck.” Yeah, good luck with whatever you’re doing, Merlin, the magician with your book of spells and potions. Uh… I heard a d.j. Say on the rah-dio, “Yeah, if a woman’s over 40 and she’s never been married, there’s something wrong with her.” [Gasps] oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! [High-pitched voice] Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! [Grunting] [laughing] “you’re doing a great job.” Oh, who’s that? “Your self-esteem.” Awesome. [Laughter] Yeah, certainly, um, there’s the possibility of dying alone, uh, but I’m fun. [Chuckles strangely] Pretty soon they’re gonna wheel your wheelchair into a wall and forget about you for five hours. “Miss Bamford, we’d wondered where you’d gone.” [Elderly voice] Oh, I was just working out this puzzle in the air. I finished the old mill, and now I’m finding pieces of sky. [Normal voice] “You gonna spend time with Mr. Peterson later this afternoon?” [Elderly voice] Oh, no, we’re just keeping it casual. [Laughter] [normal voice] If you, um… Ever get in a terrible relationship– sometimes that can happen. You make a mistake. My last boyfriend–he said, “Sometimes I get arrested ’cause I don’t like ice in my drinks.” And I said, “oh, my god, that’s great, “because I cry at everything. Let’s help each other.” Also, if your sweet pea says something like, “Hey, babe, I just want to let you know, I would never hit you.” Ooh, you’re gonna be getting a beatdown, yep, right quick. Brace for impact. [Deep voice] Papa’s coming home. [Normal voice] and I know the signs of domestic violence, because I’ve been in an off-and-on, potentially volatile relationship with myself. Um, I know I seem really charming when we’re together, but I’ll keep it down, ’cause I have a bit of a temper. Whenever it’s just me, all of a sudden– I can’t predict it– for no reason at all, I’ll start yelling at myself. Why don’t you go to the gym, and have a baby? [Shuddering] But then I can be so sweet. I mean, later, I’ll make it up to myself, and I’ll buy myself a hermit crab and paint the shell my favorite NFL team colors– purple people-eaters. If you could only see that side of me. I’m so sweet, so sweet. Yeah, the great thing about getting older is I stopped lying to get into relationships. You know when somebody asks you, “Have you seen that movie?” Yes. It’s goo–not. I haven’t– I haven’t seen it. I just want to connect. I want us to keep being together. On the, uh– I was on eHarmony, as well as attach. Glom, and… Those ones were, uh… I cast a wide net. I said I was a little more active and flexible than I truly am, you know. Hey, guys, I can pull on a sparkly gown and go to the steak house, or I can… Strap us both to a boxcar and ride the rails. No, I work hard. I play harder. I’ll rest when I’m dead, and I’m never gonna die. Got your passport? Let’s go parasail-climb-biking. My current ad reads, “I can wear the same outfit for five days, “or I can crouch naked in the shower and get real small.” [Laughter] I sleep hard. I dream harder. I’m on a roller coaster with my dogs and Beyonce. I will wake up when it’s time. [Laughing strangely] got your library card? Let’s go pay off some of my fines, ’cause I do not borrow books. I lease. I like there to be a public record of me stealing something. [Laughter] Mom, dad, I hate to stop the show, but I have to give Burt his eye meds. It’s okay, honey. Aw, it’s okay. Okay, you guys are great. Yeah, yeah, my bud. We need to put a little bit in here. It’s so important to put in the moisturizers, ’cause when you’re a hardworking pug, things can get dry. It’s the same for people as well. And Burt’s basically a person. He designs menswear. He’s not gay, but, you know, he’s open to– he loves being a man. Okay, Burt, let’s go do the show. [Groaning] You’re the most beautiful guy in the world.   Okay.   I started mentoring kids in my neighborhood without telling anyone. [High-pitched voice] “You’re weird.” [Deep voice] You’re weird. [High-pitched voice] “My mom’s gonna kill you.” [Deep voice] My mom gonna kill you. [High-pitched voice] “I’m gonna tell my mom you’ve been swearing in front of us.” [Deep voice] Oh, god damn you. I already fucking told my mom, some of the shit you said to me. [High-pitched voice] “You’re the only white person on our block.” [Normal voice] I know! [High-pitched voice] “Why did you move here?” [Mumbling incoherently] “’cause it’s Mexican– I’m a Mexican.” [Normal voice] Okay, that’s racis-cis-cista. [High-pitched voice] “No, I can say I’m Mexican because I’m Mexican. [Grunting softly] [normal voice] La maestra becomes el estudiante. Oh. [Laughter] [high-pitched voice] “My dad said you’re a comedian.” [Normal voice] Yeah. [High-pitched voice] “Tell me a joke.” [Normal voice] It’s not like that. [High-pitched voice] “How can you be a comedian if you don’t have any jokes?” [Normal voice] Okay, okay, okay. Call my manager. He’ll explain everything. Uh… I’m not saving all the love in my heart anymore for romance, you know? Why not put all that poor boundaries and high expectations towards everyone in my life? I started calling my parents. “Dad, what happened?” “What?” “You said you’d call.” [Laughs] “I thought it was just yesterday.” “You know what? It’s over.” “Okay, I’ll get your mother.” [Laughter] I’ve started to listen to the emotions behind the words of my liquor-store clerk. [Foreign accent] “Just the diet Coke?” [Normal voice] Yeah. You sound frustrated. [Foreign accent] “No, I’m fine.” [Normal voice] Okay, just– I would never want to upset you. You’d let me know if you felt– felt angry at me. [Foreign accent] “Did you just want the diet Coke?” [Normal voice] Well, I just– you mean a lot to me. Where else am I gonna get freezer-burnt haagen dazs for $9, soap that doesn’t work, directly across the street at four identical liquor stores? I don’t know if these men’s slippers that I bought here will carry me that far. [Foreign accent] “You’re trying to fix it. I just need a witness to my experience.” [Normal voice] I’m trying to learn, uh… Some of the languages around my neighborhood. I’ve learned a little pretend spanish. Oh, oh. [Imitating guttural utterances] [trilling tongue, chuckles] [trilling tongue] turns out, I’m quite proficient at pretend languages. Of course, I have some pretend swahili I’m working on. [Clicking tongue] trying to lose my accent. Pretty much a native speaker in Pretend Tiger. [Roaring weakly] Oh, you guys didn’t understand it? Sorry. ‘Cause it’s in fucking tiger. [Laughter] I have a hard time opening up, connecting in my neighborhood, saying “hi” to people, and, um… I do have a gift, though, for… Seeming awkward, and I’m a little shy, so, uh… Sometimes i, uh, don’t say much. And, uh… That happened the other night when I was with my friend and her friends. They didn’t know me. All I said the whole night was, “I’m wearing my rooster dress,” which I was, uh… But they thought that I might be developmentally disabled. Then I read that people who are mentally retarded often bring entire communities together because they lack the social awareness that makes loneliness possible. [Laughing] They’re so stupid. So I’m taking a page from that book of mostly pictures, going to my local cafe, and really being more myself. Hi! Hi. What’s your name? You didn’t hear me, hipster. You got your ear buds in! What’s your name? “Uh, my name’s Steve.” Hi, Dave! What are you doing on your lab-pop? “Just working on something for my band.” Dave’s in a band, everybody! Dave plays music. Dave… Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, I’m writing a book about hawks. It’s called Hawk Book, can I go pour myself a grande of free half-and-half? Because it is free. And people begin to connect. “Oh, you know, Maria– she’s so sweet. “We, uh– your name’s Dave? “I’m in music too. Yeah, that’s cool. Maria, do you want the crumbs from the bakery case?” Yes, I do, Carmen! [Laughter] weaving together a strong social network is the dumb-dumb. Okay, there are now 37 pot clinics on my block. Uh, went inside the hummingbird collective, and I said, “Would you mind if I opened a pot clinic, “like, inside of a pot clinic? “Like, a little tiny, tiny, “like, inside of a tiny, super-tiny pot clinic, but inside of, like, this pot clinic?” [Laughs] ’cause I don’t need a prescription to have fun. Oh, there’s a new building in my neighborhood, and, um… Have you ever had that happen, where you don’t know what it is? And it says “vineyard outreach” or “oasis” or my neighborhood, it was called “the rock,” and there’s a guy handing out some flyers. “You coming on down to the rock this weekend? We got live music, food, drinks, stuff for the kids.” Uh… That sounds like church. “No, it’s a teen center “with community-based health initiatives and a pregnancy counseling– yeah, it’s church.” I wouldn’t get mad, but they have genuinely tried to trick me. “Want to come to a show?” Yeah, where’s it at? “Cool new coffee shop.” Oh, yeah, what’s it called? “Crossroads.” No! Stop lurking behind your Jimi Hendrix font. If you want to get the numbers in, do the switcheroo. Just call it something everybody wants to go to. “You coming on down to sex hole?” Yes! You don’t even have to advertise sex hole. Everybody wants to go to sex ho-o-o-le. What’s going on inside? “Well, you got to come on in to find out.” Oh! That– [laughs] mm. That sounds like church. I will not be attending. Hey, are you guys okay? Do you have to, you know, go to the–the pod, the powder room? My dad, um… Had prostate surgery, and, um… So now, um, he has a bag. [Upbeat fun music]   Yeah. Yeah. Uh, I hope nobody here is deeply religious. If you are, please just rest in the glory that I am wrong. Uh, I am trying to be more spiritual– I mean more self-righteous. [Laughs strangely] I get those confused. I-i wish that science– if there is a science– would come up with a brain ride, where you could take a ride in someone’s brain and see all their thoughts and their memories and their feelings and why they do the things they do and why they feel the way they do. And I know there’s a low-tech version just called “listening,” but I want a ride! [Whispering creepily] I want a ride. Um… I would like to believe in something. I’ve heard it is supposed to feel good. This is what I imagine it feels like to believe in god. You know when you’re in a third-world shantytown at midnight and you’re terrified, but then off in the distance, you see the glowing logo of an international conglomerate, and you just feel like… [Gasping happily] Everything’s gonna be okay! Oh, someone’s looking out for me. Maybe it’s time I seek the Exxon within. My mom, uh, says, uh, “Honey, whatever you think about all the time, that is what you worship.” Oh. [Imitating televangelist] If that’s the case, I’d like everyone to pop open their diet Coke cans, surround themselves with obese house pets, turn to page 37 in their people magazines. This holy scripture–we read the parable of Miss Kirstie Alley. Once on television, then lost from pop culture. Now welcome back into the zeitgeist again, and the worst dressed shall be the best dressed, and the best dressed shall be the worst dressed. [Normal voice] I feel bad about that, that I worship celebrities, but their moods create weather. Of course, I’m a tiny, frightened animal. I’m gonna look towards the most powerful- and fertile-appearing of our species for information on how to survive. Need to find out what that Jennifer Aniston is doing. She’s a strong, sexy monkey. She’s gonna tell us where all the bananas are located. [Light laughter] She was quoted as saying, “I always say, ‘Don’t make plans, make options.'” So you don’t make plans. You make, like, a shitload of plans, and then you don’t– anyways, that is a pretty big piece of philosophical fruit. I am going to be gnawing on that rind of tongewitted poetry for at least a couple of years. Or maybe I shouldn’t be looking towards professional actors for guidance. Hey, um… So, uh, yeah, my mom believes that you should always pray for people, ’cause maybe god will do something for them. My sister believes that you should never blast someone with energy, unless they know they’re being blasted, because what if they want to die slowly of lou gehrig’s disease? And you’re gonna screw that all up. I believe that it’s all a cognitive behavioral distortion that helps compartmentalize chaos. Anyway, it’s gonna be a great Christmas. [Laughter] um… Yeah, uh, a lot of my friends do have religious beliefs, and I will question them. Hey, why’d that horrible thing happen? “Oh, it was god’s will.” Why’d that awesome thing happen? “It’s god’s will.” You can’t just answer the same answer to every question. It just shows you didn’t study. “Or maybe that’s god’s will.” The one answer they always say is, “We can’t understand it. It’s a mystery. “God’s just so much smarter than us. Yes, we can’t figure it out. It’s a mystery.” Well, that makes sense, ’cause all of god’s mysteries start with a horrendous murder with no discernible motive. It was Muhammad in Manhattan with a hammer. I long for the contentment and peace of mind that religious and spiritual people have, but without all the hocus pocus, so I’ve created a new god. Uh, he’s about the size of this room. He’s sort of undulating reptilian flesh, and he just has a mouth. [Mumbling] I can’t understand what he’s saying, but it’s really working. [Laughter] My sister, Sarah, who you know, is a life coach, and I’ve been trying to do my best to challenge her with my negative thoughts. “Hmm. Maria, you got one for me?” Sure, I’m worried I’m too old to be in show business. “Betty White, Dame Judi Dench, Joan Rivers. You’re not old enough. Hit me.” Fear I’ll never be in a loving, committed relationship. “Oof. I don’t know. Pass. Pass. I’ll go back. I’ll go back.” Okay, fear of this scenario. You lose everything, including your mind, except the part of your mind that knows that you lost everything. Somehow you end up in the Philippines walking the streets of Manila in a bunch of itchy, filthy sweater remnants, plucking a one-string banjo. [Imitates plucking banjo string] “mm. “No baggage. Hitting bottom is a jumping-off point. What a gift.” [Chuckles] “Hey, Maria, why don’t you tell a joke about being happy, huh? “Why don’t you challenge yourself, okay? “You have a house. You have friends. “You live in southern California. Why don’t you try to tell a joke about being happy?” Um… So you know when you’re filled with a deep contentment and waves of joy keep crashing into you and you don’t think it can get any better, but your self-esteem is so high that you’re just fucking buoyed? I do. I totally do. I used to be like you. I used to know the difference between right and wrong, but then I moved to Los Angeles, and I lost ten pounds, ’cause they take away the food before you’re done. “You’re done.” I had the stomach flu for a month, and a dozen people came up to me and said, “you look amazing.” I know. Have you ever thought about how thin we’ll be when we’re dead? I was at my grandma’s funeral, and I was like, “Thank goodness it’s open casket, “’cause you got this, girl. You finally got this.” Uh… I, uh… My manager suggested it might be time for me to get some Botox. I said… [Groaning strangely] “I’m kind of still exploring my face. [Grunting strangely] “is–is [grunting sharply] is this no longer relevant?” Uh… Um, yeah, but you know how it goes. I used to be like you, living in a hippie cooperative, going to sleep to the click-clackety-clack of a loom operated by a man named Ocean… [Laughter] making an ill-fitting wool hat later to be sold for fair-trade prices. I have protested every war. Gulf War–I put what I thought were peace signs on my face. Turned out to be a Mercedes-Benz logo. A foreshadowing. [Laughter] I’ve busked for change on the street while playing a musical instrument poorly. [Imitates off-key music] “Oh, do you play any Tchaikovsky?” You got a dollar? “Sure” [imitates off-key music] “That doesn’t sound like Tchaikovsky.” Well, I’m not the one who’s trying to buy their classical music on the street! You know how it goes. Um… You, uh–you need health benefits, you know, so you start working for the man. You know, I was just typing out what he had to say, you know. I felt like I was taking back the night from inside the machine, ’cause it makes a difference to this starfish. And… Then, uh… You know, you get a promotion. And my ego says, “I want to be on TV,” and it turns out the man owns that, and he just wants to make you do a couple changes to your jokes, so as not to upset his buddies/corporate entities. And I made those changes, and then the man said, “I’ll give you a big bag of money if you just say exactly what I want you to say.” And I took that big bag of money, and I said exactly what he wanted me to say. Now I’m redecorating my house in shades of gray… [Laughing] not the popular book, the actual ethical conundrum. [Doorbell rings] Oh, oh, pizza! Pizza! Pizza? Yes. Let’s get the pizza. I love pizza. [Upbeat fun music] [humming]   Oh, thank you so much. All right, thank you. Pizza! Can I give you a slice? If you continue being good, you can have a second piece. Oh, yeah.   Okay. Okay. [Music ends] perfect. This is good, because we’re about to get dark. Um… I have a lot of anxiety. I don’t know what yours feels like. Here’s what mine feels like. You’re at a party, and it’s just a regular fun party, and then someone shows up in a really pretty frighteningly realistic gorilla costume, except you can see their eyeballs inside, and you know it’s just fucking Steve Benaquist, and everyone says, “oh, yeah, Steve Benaquist.” But he won’t say he’s Steve Benaquist, and then he starts chasing you. That’s what I feel like all the time. [Laughter] My mom has anxiety. She could not find me in the house. An object at rest stays at rest. I’m in a corner curled with my bristles to the outside. I’m asleep somewhere. She called my sister in a panic and said, “Maria has disappeared, “and I’m worried she’s killed herself, and I have a hair appointment in town.” Much like our nation’s airports, my mom is always at level orange and cannot discern between a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo and an explosive device. “Well, Sarah, “I would dredge the shallows for your sister’s body, “but we’re out of ginger snaps, “and your father loves ginger snaps, “but he would never tell you girls. Oh, he would never tell you girls.” Uh, is anyone thinking of suicide? Oh, don’t do it. Don’t do it. People will be so mad at you if you do that. They will be so mad at you. It’s not the season for it. Early spring. Early spring. Most people don’t think of suicide during their lifetime, just in terms of, “Oh, the stewardess won’t give me the whole can. [Imitates whining] “Oh, turbulence. I want to live.” I get very passionate about this topic, ’cause over 7,000 U.S. veterans die of suicide every year, which is funny, ’cause you’d think they die over there, but they come home, right? Everyone’s always, like, worried we got to protect them when they’re over there, but then, like, nobody… That must be funny, ’cause no one was taking it that seriously. The reason people don’t go for help is because there’s still stigma, ’cause people don’t talk about mental illnesses the way they do other illnesses. [Whispering] Well, apparently Steve has cancer. It’s like, fuck off. We all have cancer, right? I have cancer pretty bad right now, but I go to chemotherapy. I get it taken care of. I get back to work. [Laughter] [deep voice] Yeah, I was dating this chick all this time. Apparently, she let me know she’s been wearing contact lenses. I said, “Whoa. “You know, do what you need to do, “but I don’t believe in all that western-medicine shit. “You know, if you want to see like other people, “it’s all about attitude. You got to want it.” [Crying] You think you would be able to stop vomiting for me and the kids. [Normal voice] Um, anyways, I myself went through a terrible time, and I started having some plans, some repetitively shit ideas, ’cause things were unbearable. “Oh, I should kill myself. Oh, I should kill myself. Oh, I should–” Then I realized, “Wait a minute. I’ve had a lot of repetitively shit ideas.” I’ve often thought it’d be a great idea to buy day-old raisin bread in bulk and then freeze it. I’m not gonna follow through on that! I’ve also thought many times it’d be a great idea to go on vacation with my family. They are my mortal enemies. I will fight them to the very last. “Honey, we’re going to Michigan. It’s gonna be fun.” Get thee behind me. “Sweetie, it’s with your cousins. We’re going camping.” I will not be dashed upon the rocks by your siren song! [Laughter] Uh, you know, but you’re feeling bad, so you start thinking, “oh, what a waste of space, and I’m a burden.” You forget that also describes the Grand Canyon. Watch how friends and family take pictures of you from a safe distance. Revel in your majestic profile. Oh, but I owe people a lot of money, and everybody hates me. Hello, Europe. Oh, but I killed someone. So, onion rings, firecrackers. Who gives a shit? Oh, but I’ve done some other horrible, unforgivable, unspeakable thing. There’s 79 billion of us now. Uh, google it. Someone has done exactly what you have done or worse and is currently on a book tour. You’re never alone! And as evidence of that, I killed my best friend by accident– blossom the awesome pug. She would’ve forgiven me. “Listen, I had a great life. [Laughing] “I died as I lived– “nude, you know, sunbathing with a light harness. “I grew up in Berlin in the ’30s. “You know, we could piss and shit “on each other with impunity. “It was no big deal. [Laughs] “Now you go to a dog park, you lift a leg, “everybody’s up in arms, you know. “But, you know, “had I shot you with my lady beretta, “you know, if the safety had been off or something, “just know that within six to eight hours, “and it’s been documented about pugs, I would’ve eaten you.” [Laughter] uh… So, anyways, but I typed in “I killed my loved one” into an internet search engine, and up came a chat room where a woman talked to me for an hour who had left her baby in a hot car. “We’re all doing the best we can, and sometimes it is not that good.” This is a homeopathic remedy for depression. If you’re ever feeling terrible and you don’t have insurance, here’s what you do. You take a blue or black pen. You draw a rabbit’s face atop your own face. Make some rabbit ears out of paper plates, cotton balls. I don’t know what you have. You make some fudge, which is very easy to make, from what I have read. You go out on your front porch. You open up your window, and you start yelling at people. Hey, jackass! Want some fudge? [Chuckles awkwardly] Hey, hey, pretty lady! Is that–oh, it’s a guy. Sorry, sorry. [Grunting] Want some fudge? Hi. How you doing? [Chuckles awkwardly] Want some fudge? It gets you out and about in your community, and it shows everyone that you need help. Oh, it’s cool. I’ll be back. What is this? There’s too much happening. [Upbeat fun music] Oh. [Humming] you can’t have the air conditioner on when you have other things on. If you stay alive for no reason at all, please, do it for spite. [Laughter] There is a trend of people blaming others when they’re ill. Oh, I have a bit of a– I think I have a bit of a cold. “Oh, that’s interesting. “You know, whenever I’m stuffed up, “it’s because I’m not letting go of stuff. “You know, there’s a lot of stuff that I’m not dealing with. “You know, or I’m sick. If I’m sick, it’s like I’m sick of something in my life.” Oh, right, that makes sense, ’cause as soon as we started talking, I started to get this dull ache in my tailbone. It’s you. You’re a pain in my ass. If you’re feeling bad and you have a plan, do what I did. Wrap a little blanket burrito around your meats and cheeses. Put a little feed bag of microwave popcorn around your neck, ’cause it’s gonna be a 12-hour wait at the e.r., And have the coast guard take you to “lost at sea” hospital, because you are lost at sea, and there you’ll walk for 72 hours with a schizophrenic man with no teeth and no pants, keeps saying stuff like… [Deep, weak voice] “it gets better.” [Normal voice] I do not believe you, but you’re very sweet. And you’ll be alive. And, uh… But I did have a friend come visit me in the hoosegow, in a psych ward, which is a great thing. That is amazing for somebody to come visit. Very grateful. But they gave me a real talking-to. “You know, I just feel like… [Sighs] “This place is so negative. It’s got a lot of negative energy.” I know. My brain is kind of going off like an untethered jackhammer, but I think I know what you mean, in terms of that guy screaming into the wall. I don’t know. He seems to make sense sometimes too. “You know what you need to do? Is get out into nature. You know, get out in the woods.” That’s what I said. Like, I can get myself on a tree, you know, hang myself there. Like, you know, like, get into a cold body of water and just, like, float away, right? But they took away my shoelaces. “I just talked to my spiritual adviser, “and he said that people who commit suicide– “sometimes it’s time for them to go, “that they just need to move to the next dimension, “and I just– I want to give you permission. I let you go.” Okay, uh, you’re horrible, and please come visit me tomorrow, and you’re horrible, and please come visit. If you could me bring me a 20-ounce diet coke, because they won’t let us have cans. Hey, why don’t you bring that little ray of sunshine over to the children’s hospital? “You wouldn’t have to make a wish if you believed.” [Laughter] Oh, you know there’s still stigma against mentals, because people use it as a way to make fun of somebody. They go–like, have you ever made something sublime? Like, you make a– it just comes out of you. You make a hat of your mother’s hair, or you make a painting of the seaside all in black, ’cause that’s how you fucking see it, man, and somebody makes fun of you. They go, “oh, cuckoo, cuckoo.” That’s a very vague diagnosis, by the way. Hopefully, that will be added to the d.s.m., Along with “I’m afraid your son is a psycho motherfucker with elements of, ‘hey, stop that.'” I was on a radio estacion in Cleveland, o, and the deej said in response to the promotion of my wares, “Well, I don’t get it. “Apparently she’s supposed to be funny. I just think she’s schizophrenic.” Well, clearly, that is not my mental illness. Schizophrenia is, of course, hearing voices, not doing voices. I am bipolar ii, which is the new gladiator sandal. I am trying to educate people with a new animated series. [Silly voice] “I’m sid, the schizophrenic squid. “Say hello. “Well, I might say hi back, “if I wasn’t distracted by the cacophony “of sensory hallucinations that bombard me at every turn. Oh, shut up, Charlton Heston, my feet are on fire!” [Normal voice] It’s a hilarious disease. [Chuckles] [laughter] and, uh… I always want to go back and tell that guy, “Like, it takes tenacity and courage to use a glue gun, “You know, it’s about the easiest thing in the world to criticize stuff.” Click. Don’t like. Boo. You know, if I had the courage… And I don’t, I’d go back and tell that guy, “hey, coward… “If somebody sings out their Batman poetry “to a largely hostile Barnes & Noble crowd “or if you crank out a raw, unedited skull “out of a granny smith apple, “pop that on a Bratz doll torso, “upload that to Etsy, price it high. “If you think of doing a nude clown opera, “you write it, you cast it, you actually fucking do it, “that doesn’t show your insane. “It shows the symptoms of being hardworking “and a huge sixth sense. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to la Quinta, because I have faces to make in the bathroom mirror.” [Silly grunting] little bit I’m working on. So I wanted to teach you guys how to play a new game– something me and my family play. Oh, wait a minute. You are my family. Uh, I, uh… And probably other people play it, but we call it “joy whack-a-mole.” What happens is that somebody brings up something that they’re really happy about, and then the other person tries to slam it down before they ever feel too good about what’s going on in their lives. I played with my dad recently. Dad, check out this new jacket. “Ooh, that’s very nice.” Yeah, guess how much. [Clears throat] “I don’t know. 100 Bucks.” No, ten. “Oh! Jeez, that’s a good deal.” Yeah, you got that right. It’s like, ten bucks– how do they do it? “Oh, I was reading about that. “Slavery. “Yeah… [Clears throat] “They put the manufacturing out of these people. “There’s no labor laws, “human-rights violations, and no environmental protection, and then they pass the savings on to you.” [Laughter] It’s a pretty sweet jacket, though, dad. My sister and I play occasionally. Sarah, I think I met somebody. “Mm. That’s great. Good for you. Awesome.” Yeah, I mean, I don’t know. We’ll see what happens. “That’s great. [Chuckles] “Are you sure you haven’t projected a fantasy “on a trisexual stranger “you met on petfinder.uk? [Laughing] You like ’em gay and out of town.” That happened, like, twice. That’s not even a pattern. My mom is the king of this game, though. Mom, Amy had her baby. “Oh, that is great news, honey. “I mean, it’s not the greatest news “for the 600,000 kids in foster care, “but if she wants a fresh one… “Oh, jeez. Everybody wants one that looks like them. It’s so selfish.” Mom, I’m doing a show tonight. “Sweetie, I got a joke for you. “A friend of mine– she’s so funny. “She said you could use it. She– “Coincidentally, she was in foster care. “She had been airlifted out of the Sudan in the late ’90s, “’cause she had been be-armed, and be-legged “by the janjaweed– the horseback militia. “She’d love to do stand-up, “but she can’t… [Grunts] “and it’s really a hospice situation. “It’s just a matter of time. “But the priest comes in, and he asks her, “‘Would you like us to light a candle for you in the chapel?’ “She says, sassy as you please, “teletyping through her eyelids, “‘Well, how many candles you got?’ “Because so many horrible things have happened to her “and keep happening. “Sweetie, have a good show tonight. Thanks, everybody. Thanks, Eagle Rock. All right! Thanks, guys! Thanks, guys! Great job. I’m happy! Happy! Okay. [Laughing] That was a great show. Thanks. Yeah. And you did that just for us. I did. Oh, I love doing it in the house. I mean, I have to say, other than a party, I’ve never seen so many people in Maria’s house, I thought that was a great show. That was great. Yeah. The Paula Deen routine, I think, is just hysterical, but then I sort of begin to feel codependently sad for Paula Deen, because I think, “Oh, poor, Paula Deen. “She’s lost 25 pounds now, I just read in People magazine, “and I think she’s changed a little bit. Maria should give her credit.” I like to see myself in the routines. We love the show, and we love Maria. She’s the best. And we love all her, you know, ability, the thoughtfulness that she has and kindness she has to other people and to her parents. She’s been good to her parents. Indeed. Thank you, guys."}
{"Title": "Where Was I", "Artist": "Trevor Noah", "Intro": "Trevor Noah recounts his amusing travels around the world, from foreign national anthems to different cultural norms", "context": "", "Text": "Oh! How you doing tonight, everybody? How you doing? Welcome to the show. Thank you so much for coming out. Look at this. What a night. What a feeling. Here we are. Detroit, Michigan. We made it. I’m enjoying everywhere, honestly. I’m having more fun in my life now than I think I’ve ever had. I’m enjoying America more now than I’ve ever, ever enjoyed it. Every day. I don’t even know what it is. I think it’s… You enjoy a place differently when it might be ending, you know? It just has a… It has a different feeling to it, like… “Mmm, what is that taste?” “The final season? Mmm-mmm-mmm” ‘Cause you never know with America. You really never know. Every day is the best day, and possibly the last day. I’m having an amazing time, I truly am. This year was such a blessing, because… I got to travel around the world, doing shows in places I had never performed before. Places I’ve always wanted to do comedy, I’ve always wanted to try it out. I did shows in Berlin, Germany, for the first time ever. That was really amazing. I won’t lie, people freaked me out before I went there. Similar to Detroit, where people are like, “Oh, watch out, Detroit.” People were like that with Germany as well. Like, when I was going to Berlin, people were like, “Dude, Germany?” “Do they even laugh?” I’m like, “What do you mean? They’re human beings.” “I don’t know, man. Do they laugh?” People got to me. Ja, ja, uh-huh.” “That was a comedy show.” [normally] But they don’t. They laugh. I had an amazing time in Berlin. It’s a city that sneaks up on you, because it’s… It’s so culturally diverse. You know? It has a burgeoning art scene. Fantastic music. The history… The history in Berlin is truly deep and rich. I love traveling and seeing places whenever I’m in certain cities and in Berlin, I went out with a tour group and I had a great time. But I wish someone had warned me how painful a lot of Berlin’s history is. ‘Cause that was basically the headquarters of the Nazi Party. So everything ties back to Hitler. I didn’t know this. I thought we’re going on a cute little tour. I ask a lot of questions. I’m curious. This brought the mood down. We’re out and about. The tour guide was doing his schtick. He was happy as well. [in German accent] “Here, behind me, you can see, this is one of the largest airports that was ever built in the world.” “Ja, it is a world famous airport here in Berlin, and it is so large that we were able…” “They filmed the Hollywood movie The Hunger Games inside this airport.” “Ja, any questions?” [normally] I said, “Yeah. Wow. How old is this thing?” [in German accent] “This is almost 100 years old.” [normally] And I’m like, “Damn! Who built it?” [in German accent] “Yeah. That is the unfortunate part of the… of the story here.” “This airport was built by, uh, Hitler.” [in normal voice] I could see I’d messed things up. I tried to bring the mood up. I was like, “Which Hitler?” He says, [in German accent] “Which Hitler?” “Which other Hitler is there?” I was like, “Could be Henry Hitler.” “Henry Hitler?” “Who the hell is Henry Hitler?” I was like, “You don’t know Henry Hitler?” It didn’t work. Like, “Yo, man.” It was tense, but it was good. And what I mean by good… It was nice to be in a place where people don’t bury their history. There are monuments scattered throughout the city. Prominent monuments. They are memorializing what Germany did to millions of Jewish people and other people around the world. You see it, you understand it, they talk about it. They teach their kids about it. They teach children in school. They’re like, “Hey, this is what Germany did.” They make sure they know. But they don’t make them feel guilty about it. Which is an amazing balance for them to strike. They’ll say to the kids, they’re like, “Hey, kids. They know it’s painful. They know that it’s a terrible blight on who they are, but they don’t hide from it. When I saw them doing this, I went, “Man, I wish America did this with history.” You know? ‘Cause you… You ever see how awkward it is, speaking about history in America? It gets tense. Doesn’t matter what history it is. It gets tense. Columbus Day is one of those days. Every year in New York, there’s a fight. Here in Detroit, there was a fight. There was a bust of Christopher Columbus, was around for 110 years. At a point, half of Detroit was like, “We need to get rid of it.” The other half said, “Don’t get rid of it.” It was a huge fight. New York, same thing, every year. Columbus Day, Indigenous Peoples’ Day. Columbus Day, Indigenous Peoples’ Day. There was an interview on the news I saw once. [chuckles] It wasn’t supposed to be funny, but I found it funny. The reporter went to a guy and asked, “What will you be doing for Indigenous Peoples’ Day?” He was like, [Italian-American accent] “It’s Columbus Day, I’m sick and tired of people coming in and changing the name.” “We’re proud of that day.” “It’s Christopher Columbus. Columbus Day. It’s not gonna change.” “In fact, how would you feel if somebody came along, took something that’s been around for a long time, and just decided to switch it and call it something else?” “Huh? How would you feel?” [in normal voice] I was like, “But, sir, isn’t that the spirit of Columbus Day?” I’ll be honest. I’m not a big fan of Indigenous Peoples’ Day. The title, I don’t like… I think it’s a cop-out. I don’t think it’s specific enough. It’s lazy. “Indigenous Peoples’ Day.” Which Indigenous people? Where? How? Give me something. You know what I liked about Columbus Day? It’s that it was specific. Yeah. It was a specific, inspiring story of a man by the name Christopher Columbus who believed, against all odds, that he could sail the wrong way around the world and get to India from the other side. Nobody believed in him. Yeah. He said, “I’m gonna do this.” They said, “You can’t do it, Chris.” He was like, “I will.” They’re like, “You can’t do it!” He said, “I will!” They said, “You can’t!” And he raised money, he fought for years, he finally got the ships. And he sailed the wrong way around the world and he didn’t do it. Not only did he not land on the other side of India, he found himself in a place called the Caribbean. And he was like, “This is India.” And the people went, [in Caribbean accent] “I don’t know if you’ve been eating some of the herb we’ve been leaving about, but this is totally not India.” He was like, “This is India and you guys are Indians.” They’re like, “Brother, we are not Indians.” He’s like, “I know Indians when I don’t see them.” “You’re Indians, just on the far side.” “So you’re West Indians.” And he stuck with it. Christopher Columbus stuck with it his entire life. Other explorers would come to him like, “Yo, Chris.” “I don’t think you made it to India.” He’s like, “It’s India.” They’re like, “I don’t think it’s India.” He’s like, “It’s India.” He died refusing to acknowledge the possibility that he never made it to India. Not only that, my friends, he never set foot in America, ever. Ever. And yet, he had a public holiday named after him in America. That, my friends, is the inspiring story of how white men can fail up. Do you know how much confidence you have to have to pull that off? Nobody else. That is white man confidence. Nobody else possesses that level of confidence. Go the wrong way. End up in the wrong place. Call the wrong people the wrong name and be like, “I’m right.” “Give me a holiday.” No one else can do that. That is the level of confidence we should all aspire to, is white man levels of confidence. Women couldn’t pull that off. If a woman said, “I’ll sail the wrong way around the Earth.” They’ll be like, “Burn her. She’s a witch!” You think people of color could pull that off? You think Black people could? Wow, really? Like he was gonna sail around the world the wrong way around. Get to the place they’re not supposed to be. Probably get arrested for trespassing. Like, “What are you doing here?” [in African-American accent] “My bad, I thought I was getting to India.” “Man, I don’t know what I was thinking.” “We should’ve never messed with ships. It never turns out good.” “I apologize. I apologize, man.” “This won’t happen again.” Why would you wanna bury your history? There’s so much joy and so much to learn. You know? It feels like America is moving in that direction. It wants less and less of its history, less and less context. You look what’s happening with textbooks. Places like Florida, they wanna ban textbooks or cut out the parts of the textbooks that have slavery in the books. And now parents are fighting. They’re like, “No, no, take the slavery out. It’s making the kids feel bad.” Other parents are like, “Keep the slavery in.” “It teaches children.” And they’re fighting back and forth. I’m like, “Why?” You don’t need to be fighting about… No one should be fighting about this. Kids don’t read textbooks. They watch TikTok. If you wanna get to the kids, that’s where you gotta be.  There was slavery   Ships came   Yeah…  I’ll be honest. I don’t think that textbook thing is like a real issue. I feel like it’s one of those manufactured issues that often happens in America that gets people riled up and gets them fired up, fighting about something that was never an issue to begin with. I say this because that’s honestly what I believe. I feel like in America, politicians have done a really good job of tricking Americans into fighting about issues that were never an issue to begin with, so that you don’t pay attention to the issues that actually are. You know? If you’re fighting about what’s in a textbook, you don’t pay attention to the fact that inflation is out of control. You don’t pay attention that rents are out of control. People cannot afford to live anywhere. Salaries have never kept up with inflation. Corporations steal billions and billions of dollars from their employees with no ramifications. You don’t pay attention to any of that. You pay attention to what’s catchy, what’s easy to keep up with. It keeps you going, you know? “Ooh, can trans people use public bathrooms?” “Ooh!” It’s manufactured. Who was dealing with this issue? Honestly. Who was actually dealing with this issue? You know what they did? Some politician figured out, they go, “Here’s a small story affecting a few people in a random place.” “I’ll make it seem like a nationwide issue, then everyone starts fighting.” But who was dealing with it? Who has ever been in a situation where you were in a bathroom, and all of a sudden a skirmish broke out and people go, “Excuse me, is this the gender that you were born with?” “Does it coincide with the sign on the door?” “Is your genitalia matching this?” “Can I see it?” Who’s ever seen that? Nobody. Nobody. But they make us fight about it because it’s catchy. “Who can use which bathroom.” Who cares? Who cares? I mean it, who cares? I know some would be like, “Trans people care.” They wanna know if they can use a public bathroom. Yeah, use whichever bathroom you want. Who’s gonna stop you? No, seriously, it’s a public toilet. Who is going to stop you? You tell me who’s gonna enforce that law? We can’t even enforce the idea that people should shit into the toilet. But you think magically they’re gonna figure out if you were born this way. Use whichever one you want. Why are we wasting our time? Other people are like, “We’ll fight because you gotta know who’s…” Let me tell you something. If you are spending enough time to know the genitalia of the other people in a public bathroom, you’re the creep. I’m worried about you. There is a simple rule to every public toilet around the world. And that rule is, you get in, pay no attention to anyone else, hold your breath and you get out. Quit standing around staring at other people. Every man in this room knows when we use the toilet, we get in, public toilet, you stare dead ahead, you pee, do your thing. Do not look to either side. If you’re fidgety, look up, look down. You do not look at anyone else. The guy next to you can start choking. You don’t turn your head. You don’t shake, you don’t move. You hear him, like… [mimics choking] You be like, “Hey, man, hey. Hey.” “Hey, you all right? Yo, yo.” “Hey, man, you okay?” “Yo, yo. You want me to call… Hey, man, are you okay?” [mimics choking] “You wanna call… “”Don’t look at me!” What are we doing? What are we fighting about? Public bathrooms. If you know your history, you know this happens all the time in America. It happens over and over and over again. There was a time when women had to fight to use public bathrooms in America. Imagine that. There was literally a time when women weren’t allowed to use public bathrooms all across America and they had to fight. And there were men who were angry. They were like, “This is crazy.” “You’re gonna have women in public bathrooms? That’s insane!” “How does it work, huh?” “What, they’re gonna come in there while we’re peeing?” “And then what? They’re gonna look at our wieners?” “And they’re gonna laugh, huh?” Think about this, ladies. There was a time when women were first allowed to step into the workplace, where there were no public bathrooms they could use. So, ladies, if you were out and about back then, you needed to pee, you needed to poo, you had to go home. Yeah. And I say poo theoretically, I don’t know if you actually do. No, I don’t think any guy does. Let’s be honest. We don’t. We assume this on a biological level, but I don’t know for certain that any woman actually… In fact, any man in here, think of any woman in your life. Do you know the last time she pooed? I don’t think you know. I don’t think you know. There is no forensic evidence to back up that claim. There is no smell. There is no stain. There is no nothing. Ladies, I don’t know who does your bathroom PR, but they are doing a stellar job. Stellar job. Women go to the bathroom, smells better when they come out of it. How? You never know when a lady is pooing. Never. Because also, women keep the same amount of time. That’s the most impressive thing. You give nothing away. Yeah, a woman’s gonna go pee, it takes ten minutes. She goes to the bathroom. All right. Gets there, tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, comes out, washes her hand, powders her face, texts on the phone, comes back to the table. You have no clue. Yeah. She’s gonna go poo, same thing, ten minutes. Goes to the bathroom, pellets, pellets, pellets, comes back out. Wash her hands, powder the nose, text her friends. Get back out there. You have no clue. With men, you know exactly what we’re doing. Discretion is not our forte. You know when every single man is gonna go pee. Why? Two minutes. Off to the bathroom, we’re in there. Quickest thing ever. It’s like a NASCAR pit stop. Yeah, we get in, we pee, we come back out, act like we’re washing our hands and we’re back. How do you know when we take a dump? ‘Cause it’s obvious. We go to the bathroom, never come back. That’s the last time you’ll ever see us. Your family’s putting up wanted posters in the restaurant. “Have you seen this man?” Imagine, people were fighting about bathrooms every time in America. Every time. There was a time when Black people had to fight to use public bathrooms. Huh. Same thing. Black people were like, “Why can we not use public bathrooms?” And again, people were angry. “This is crazy.” “You’re gonna have Black people in this in a public bathroom?” “How does that even work, huh?” “So what? They’re gonna be standing there while I pee, huh?” “They’re gonna be looking at my wiener? Huh?” “And they’re gonna laugh? Huh?” I’m old enough to remember when there was a discussion in America about whether gay people could use public bathrooms. This was an actual topic of discussion. I remember people on the news being interviewed. “Do you think gay men should be allowed into the same bathrooms as straight men?” They’ll be like, “I don’t mind what they do, if they keep it to themselves, that’s fine.” “But just answer me this. Answer me this. How is it gonna work?” “So what? You’re in the bathroom with them and then what?” “He’s gay and I’m just standing there and I’m peeing, huh?” “And he’s looking at my wiener? Huh?” “And then he grabs it, huh?” “And he starts yanking on it, huh?” “He just starts tugging away and I get hard and I’m enjoying it, huh?” “And then this is one of the best experiences I’ve ever had, huh?” “And then I start coming back weekly hoping I’ll bump into him and I do, huh?” “And then at some point we agree to meet outside, a nice little restaurant that’s cozy and get to know each other, huh?” “And then a few years later, we get married and our families are joined and we live happily ever after?” “Is that what you want?” Wow. Public bathrooms. It’s why you shouldn’t bury your history. If you know what’s happened, you know what to predict. You understand why it happened in the first place. Germany does that in a truly astounding way. It will never be perfect. But Germany is one of the only countries in the world that has actively paid reparations for what they did. One of the only countries in the world that has actively apologized and one of the only countries in the world that’s set about changing how they see themselves and how the world sees them. After World War II, Germany changed a bunch of laws. They changed the iconography of the country. What you could hang, where you could hang it. They changed their national anthem. Yeah, imagine that, they changed the national anthem. They felt that the national anthem was a nationalist song that the Nazis used to inspire people to think the wrong things. They changed it. The original song was called “Deutschland, Deutschland über alles.” You’ve probably heard it in old movies or whatever. The song went like… [singing in German] And translated into English, it means…  Germany, Germany over everything   Over everything in the world  And clearly they meant it. Yeah, where most anthems are theoretical, the Germans are precise. But after World War II, they were like, “We can’t have that same attitude.” And so they changed the anthem. And new lyrics. The new lyrics are… [singing in German] Which translated into English is…  Unity and rights and freedom   For all the people who live in Germany  Which… Which is adorable. It’s adorable. They may as well have made the song…  Sorry, sorry We’re so, so sorry   Sorry, sorry, sorry for what we did  I appreciate that they did it, but I wouldn’t have gone that far. I won’t lie. I wouldn’t have gone that far. I think über alles is terrible. That’s not a good way to think. But you still gotta have a bit of kick in your anthem. You still gotta have a… I would’ve found a middle ground. Mine would have been… [in German]  Germany Germany, somewhere…  [in English]…in the top five. [in German]  Not over everything in the world  [in English]  Because we are definitely In the top five   When you think about it   America’s number one   And then you have Great Britain And then you have France and Spain   And then we are at number five…  Actually, Spain is not better than us.  So we are number four   Number four in the…  Yeah, but France, their economy is not that strong.  So, maybe we are number three In the world   Then you have England above…  Oh, wait, oh, Brexit was not a smart idea.  So maybe if we are number two And America is number…  Oh, the elections are not that stable. So… Then maybe we are über alles of the world! [chuckles] [in normal accent] It’s one of the biggest things they did, and nobody knows that they did it. I was chatting to a German guy. And he was perplexed by this. Absolutely perplexed. He said… [in German accent] “In Germany we’ve done so many things.” “The national anthem was a big change for us.” “I’m sure the whole world talks about this.” [in normal accent] I said, “Nope.” [sighs] He was like, “What do you mean?” “What do you mean? Who doesn’t talk about it?” I was like, “Nobody. Nobody talks about it.” “Who’s nobody?” I was like, “Nobody. No one.” “No one outside of Germany even knows this.” “How can they not know?” I was like, “What do you mean?” “It’s German. No one speaks German outside Germany.” “How would anyone know?” “Also, you guys did something weird.” “You changed the lyrics, but you kept the beat.” It’s a strange move. [in German accent] You’re like, “This song is terrible, and we’re changing it.” “Ja. What about the beat?” “No, we are keeping that ’cause I’ve learned all the moves. Ja.” [normally] That’s probably why most people don’t know it changed. You’ve kept the beat. Most people don’t know the lyrics. We just know the beat. No one knew Michael Jackson was saying, “You’re a vegetable.” None of us knew that. Some of you are like, “When did he say ‘vegetable’?” Been singing it your whole life…  You’re a vegetable  No one knows lyrics. We just know the beat. That’s what Germany did. It’s weird. It’s weird to not change the music. ‘Cause the music comes with emotion. I was trying to explain this to him. He didn’t get it. And I realized, you know what it’s like. What Germany did, it would be like if in Star Wars, right? You know Star Wars. All right, let’s say, Darth Vader. Whenever Darth Vader came into a scene, whenever he landed on one of those planets, you always knew something was about to go down, something bad, because he had his music. All right? The music told you what was gonna happen. The ship would land… [imitates whooshing] Door would open… [imitates electric hum] And he’d be standing there. [imitates strained breathing] But he would never… He would never come into the game without his song playing. Never. He’ll be there, DJ on the side, like, [mimics Darth Vader] “DJ, play my jam.” [imitates record scratching] [mimics “The Imperial March”] “That’s right.” “Uh-huh.” And then you knew it was about to go down. Get down there… [mimics Darth Vader] “Kneel before me, Jedi.” [in high-pitched voice] “We’ll never kneel before you.” [mimics lightsabers whooshing] “You cannot defeat me.” “He’s so strong. I don’t know if we’re gonna win.” [mimics Yoda] “Defeat him, we shall.” [continues mimicking lightsabers] “Use the Force, we will.” [mimicking Darth Vader] “Ahh, you have defeated me!” “We did it, Master Yoda! We did it! “We defeated Darth Vader!” [mimics Yoda] “Indeed, we have.” “What do we do now?” “Free the Empire, we shall.” “Travel around, the good news we shall spread.” “Let’s do it.” “Yes, a new song we shall play.” [mimics “The Imperial March”] “You’re free.” [mimics “The Imperial March”] [in normal voice] It’s weird. It’s still impressive, though. Still impressive. Changing your national anthem is no small thing. It truly isn’t. Changing anything. We were having this conversation. And afterwards, he said something interesting, he’s like, [in German accent] “Because we saw how Germany had to change how it saw itself in order to change what it did, it’s why we changed the anthem.” I was like, “That’s powerful.” He’s like, “Do you think America would ever change…” I was like, “Don’t even finish that sentence.” “You don’t even finish that sentence.” If there’s one thing I’ve learned, America hates change. Whoo! America does not like change. You wanna change the things Germany changed? The money, the flags, the anthem. Are you kidding me? Remember when they tried to change the $20 bill? Remember that? They said they’d put Harriet Tubman on the bill. People got so angry, they postponed it indefinitely. People were furious. “What are you doing?” “We’re putting Harriet…” “How dare you?” “How dare you take an American president off the $20?” “How dare you take…” “Who’s on the $20?” “How dare you take Andrew Jackson off the $20 bill?” “They’re just putting Harriet Tubman on the front, and Andrew Jackson will be on the back.” “You’re putting an American president on the back? On the back?” “That’s disrespectful!” It’s not, really. If you know your history, you would know, Andrew Jackson would love to be on the back side of a Black woman, so I don’t know why you’re so stressed. I feel like everybody wins. People were furious, though. And now you’re gonna suggest changing the flag? Suggest changing the anthem? Whoo! There’s two things I’ve learned, living in America. It’s you respect the flag and you respect the anthem. I don’t know what it means. But I follow the rules. I say I don’t know what it means is because it’s confusing. You’ll meet people like, “You respect the flag!” and I get it. But then I’ll see those same people on July 4th, and they’ll be wearing the flag as underwear. Does that count? And you looked up and you were like, “That flag, these balls.” I would never suggest changing any of it. The anthem? Oh, no, never the anthem. Even though it could. Maybe it could do with a little change. It is a very violent anthem. And America struggles with violence, Maybe like a softer… It’s a violent anthem. It’s the only anthem I’ve ever heard that has bombs blowing up in it. Yeah. There are bombs and rockets in your national anthem. It’s like a Michael Bay movie in a song. Everything blowing up in slow motion. [imitates explosions] It’s almost like you’re threatening other countries as well. It’s like, “Yeah, bombs bursting and rockets were flaring.” “Try us.” It’s like a gangster rap, to be honest. It really is. The American anthem is like a gangster rap. It has all the same elements. It has the violence, it has the threats. You know how it’s similar to a gangster rap? The American anthem is the only anthem where you can put the word “bitch” at the end of any line and the song still makes sense.  Gave proof through the night   That our flag was still there   Bitch  I love the American national anthem, I won’t lie. It’s exciting, and I know all the words. I didn’t try, but I know them. It’s one of those songs that you hear so much that you know it. Sort of like  Nationwide is on your side  Same… Same thing. Don’t wanna know that. Don’t need to know that. Wish I could reclaim the space in my brain, but it’s there. America’s national anthem is like that, ’cause you hear it so much in America. Now, this is the only country I’ve ever ever lived in where you play the national anthem when there is no other country in attendance. It would be like basketball games, football games, beer pong games, national anthem. Which I know is normal if you’ve lived in America all your life. “What other way is there, Trevor?” I’ll tell you… I’ll tell you as somebody who comes from the rest of the world, that’s not a thing. It’s not. Most places in the world, you play the national anthem maybe once a year, on a national event, or when you’re competing against another country. Then you play it. ‘Cause the other country is there and you have to prove to your country that you’re loyal. That’s why you sing the song. ‘Cause countries are very insecure. You have to reassure them. Constantly reassuring. They should go to therapy, deal with their attachment issues, but they don’t. You only realize how insecure countries are when you leave your country. Have you ever left and come back? Have you seen the questions your country asks you? So insecure, so jealous. Just like, “Where have you been, huh?” “Where have you been? Which countries?” “So what? You have another country now?” “Is that what you’re doing, huh? Huh?” “Which stamps are these? Let’s see who’s been stamping your passport.” You’re like, “Damn, country. Let me get my privacy.” That’s why you only sing the anthem when there’s another country attending. The only time you do it. That’s what it’s for, to make your country feel good. All right? You know what national anthems are? National anthems are the geopolitical equivalent of that thing women do to us men. Like, ladies, you know that trick you have for that man in your life? Like, whenever his ego is bruised, and you have to you try and heal it. Every woman in this room has a trick that works on every man. And right now, I know a lot of the women are like, “Shut up, Trevor!” “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” It’s a beautiful, subtle technique. Yeah, you’ll be out having lunch or something, and some guy will come up to the table. He’s buff, works out, you know, looks really good. He’s like, “Oh, my God, Michelle? Michelle?” Like, “Oh, Justin? Oh, my God.” “Wow. How are you?” And you’re like, “Who the hell is Justin? What’s going on?” He’s like, “This is crazy. Twice in two weeks?” And you go like, “Twice? When was once? Who is this?” “I know. Oh, my God. How are you?” “I’m doing good. We gotta catch up. We gotta talk about college.” “I was thinking about it. We were so crazy in college.” “You remember that night?” “You went to college? What’s going on?” She can feel your ego slowly withering like a raisin in the sun. And she won’t look at you. She won’t make it a big thing. She’ll continue the conversation. But they’ll gently just put their hand on your thigh. And then just start rubbing it. She’ll carry on like nothing’s happening. “I know, those were crazy. I was a cheerleader. What are you gonna do?” “It’s just one of those.” And the hand is going, “Shh. Shh, shh, shh.” “Shh. It’s okay. It’s okay.” “It’s okay, you’re a big man. Big man.” “Strong man. That’s right.” “There’s no other man in the world. Just you. Look at you. Wow.” “What a big man. Yeah.” “Who, this guy? I don’t even know who he is.” “Yeah, no, with his muscles.” “Oh, I don’t like muscles, no.” “I hate muscles. They’re disgusting.” “Look at him, all working out and everything’s in shape and bulging.” “No, it’s disgusting.” “What, six-packs? No, I don’t want a six-pack.” “I don’t like six-packs. That’s why I like you.” Boop! That’s what a national anthem is. You reassuring your country. The American anthem is such an interesting one. You know? Everything that represents America is the anthem. America has the most fun anthem rules in the world. Only country in the world where you’re allowed to sing the anthem however you want. However you want. You can’t do that anywhere else. Everywhere else, the anthem is the way it is written. It’s boring, and that’s the point. You can’t just change it. In America, you can do whatever you please. I noticed it the first time. The first time I noticed it was at a basketball game. It was the New York Knicks against the Toronto Raptors, right? And because the Raptors are from Canada, they had to play two national anthems before the game, which is rare. And so we’re in the arena and then the voice comes on. “Ladies and gentlemen, please stand for the Canadian national anthem.” And everybody stood, and then they just played, like, a tape somewhere. [chuckles] You could tell they didn’t care. And it was the song, the Canadian song. It’s always the same.  O Canada…  [humming gibberish]  And something, something Brings us back to…  [singing “Do-Re-Mi”]  Do-do-do-do…  [chuckles] You know the song, man. I don’t have time for that. Whatever. They sang the Canadian anthem. They were done. Yeah, the lights will go dark. Someone walks to the middle of the arena. It’s always so intense, complete silence. [slowly]  O say   Can you   See   By the dawn’s early light  [vocalizing off-tune] [vocalizing droning]  What so proudly we hail’d…  Why are you trying to make the anthem sexy? What are you doing? I never understand that. Why are you trying to make it a sexy song? You’ll never be in England and see someone like, “Remix!”  God save God save the Queen   God save the Queen I save the Queen with sexy sex   Save the Queen Let’s save the Queen   With sexy sex Come on, save that Queen  Oh, man. So, Germany was fun. And then we headed to Paris, France, to do shows for the first time in my life, I was very excited. I always wanted to perform in Paris. Didn’t know what it would be. But can I tell you? Paris is everything they tell you it is. It is easily one of the most romantic cities I have ever been to in my life. I fell in love 1,000 times. I was by myself. It didn’t matter. Yeah. Every night, it was just me and those bedbugs, baby. I really enjoyed Paris because I got to meet Parisians. In person. Not stereotypes, not things you’re told about. No, actually meet French people, learn about them from them. And I learned some truly amazing things. For instance, the French have a very different relationship with work than the rest of us, all right? In that they don’t give a shit about it. Which, honestly, I found inspiring. Yeah. I feel like a lot of us have become a little too attached to our work, you know? We identify with our work. Ever asked somebody like, “Tell me about yourself”? “I’m an architect…” “Tell me about yourself.” “I own a hair salon and…” “Tell me about yourself.” “I’m a teacher…” “Tell me about yourself,” and people will tell you about what they do. You know, it’s become the thing that people focus on. The French don’t do that. No. You’ll never meet a French person who does that. You go up to a French person and be like, “Excuse me. What do you do?” Be like, [in French accent] “Oh, me? I go for walks with my friends and, uh… I like to eat good food and…” [in normal voice] You’re like, “No, what do you do for a living?” “For a living? Pardon.” “Okay, for a living.” “Okay, no, I, uh, breathe and, uh…” “You know, I drink water and, uh, you know…” “Of course, I have to make love, you know.” [in normal voice] It’s just a different way to be, man. You know, not being so attached to your work. It was lovely. I learned this because when I flew to Paris, my luggage was lost. All right? Yeah. Landed in the airport, and bags were gone, didn’t arrive. I discovered this at the carousel, which is a shitty thing that airlines do to you. They know your bags are not coming. Yeah, they know where your bag is every single moment. But they don’t tell you. They’ll let you stand there like an idiot with hope in your heart. They could come to your seat before take-off and be like, “It’s not coming.” “Spoiler alert.” But they don’t. [chuckles] They let you take off with all that joy like an idiot. Whee! I landed in Paris. Thought it was the beginning of a great trip. I was skipping around. I had my full-luggage swag, “I’m going get my bags, go into Paris, start exploring.” Got to the carousel. I was like, “Mmm-mmm, full luggage swag.” “That’s right. Let me get my luggage, everybody.” I was like, “Excuse me.” “Make space, please.” “I would like to lean over the carousel.” “Makes the bags come quicker.” “Come on, lucky bag.” I had full luggage swag. Bags started coming out and I was standing there, judging them. “Ha-ha! Who still uses Samsonite?” [laughs] “Ah! Where’s my bag?” Bags going around, going around, and then new bags stopped coming out. I started worrying. Then there were fewer and fewer bags. And I was like, “Oh, my bag…” “My bag’s not coming.” And I realized my bag hadn’t arrived. It was terrible. I had the same feeling, the same feeling I had as a child when my mom would forget me at school. Exactly the same. Standing at the carousel, felt like I was ten years old again, like… [exaggeratedly imitates a child crying] [sobbing] “No, Mr. Wilkinson, it’s fine, you can go.” “My mom’s going to come. Don’t worry, you can go home.” “She’s coming. She wouldn’t forget me.” “No… She’s…” “She’s probably dead somewhere right now.” “She’s probably in a ditch lying dead.” [in normal voice] She forgot me. She’d forget me occasionally. And then I’d have to walk home. It was like an hour walk. [laughs] And I’d get home, and she’d always have the same reaction when I walked in, ’cause she worked from home. She’d have a little computer where she’d be typing away, and I’d walk into the house and I’ll close the door like… Always the same reaction, she’ll be like… [gasps] “No, no, no, no, no, baby, no! No, no, no, no! Oh!” “What time is it?” And I’ll be like, “It’s too late.” I’m not going to lie. I hated being forgotten at school, but I savored those moments. ‘Cause it wasn’t any sweat, to be honest. I liked walking. It’s not like I was stressed on the walk. I’d be kicking stones, singing on the way back. I’d get to the house and be like, “No, wait a minute. Hmm.” I loved it ’cause that was the one moment when I was allowed to give my mom unlimited attitude with no repercussions. None. ‘Cause when I was a kid, you couldn’t give attitude to your parents. I wasn’t a white child. You know what I mean? You couldn’t… I had to watch myself. But when she messed up, ooh, I loved it. She’d be like, “Can you forgive me, baby?” I’ll be like, “I’ll think about it.” Now I had to find somebody to help me. I look around, there’s an older French gentleman standing on the side, gray hair, rosy cheeks, short little guy with glasses. So I walked over to him. And he was wearing a red vest. And in French, it read “Information,” and then underneath in English said, “Information.” I was like, “Phew!” “Ah. Bonjour. Hello. Hi.” He’s like, “Hello. Bonjour.” I said, “English, French?” Said, “English, yeah, oui.” I said, “Could you help me, please?” “Um… My, um… My luggage didn’t arrive.” “Um, I would like to know, what do I need to do?” He’s like, “There’s your luggage… It didn’t come…” [incoherent English in French accent] [in normal voice] I was like, “Okay.” Um… “All right.” “Let’s try French.” “Let’s, uh, see what happens.” Finally, we figured it out. He sent me off to a special area where you go and make a report. There’s another French guy behind the counter, much younger. He was maybe Algerian or Moroccan of descent. Very French, very French. Cool guy. He’s helping somebody. “Okay, thank you very much. Next, please.” I walk up, “Hey, man.” He’s like, “What’s going on, my brother?” “How are you? What’s up with you?” I was like, “I need your help, please.” “My luggage, um, it didn’t come. It’s, uh, lost.” He’s like, “Oh, no, dude, your luggage didn’t come.” “Oh, man.” “Did you look for it?” I said, “What? Yeah, that’s the first thing I did.” “You think I’m here for company?” “Of course, that’s…” He’s like, “No. Just checking.” “So, the bag is gone? It’s totally…” I’m like, “Yeah.” He’s like, “Oh, man, that sucks, man, I’m so sorry for you, man.” “That’s terrible.” “Yeah. So, what do you want to do now?” “What do I want to do?” I said, “I would like you to do something.” “Can we make a report or something?” “You want to make some paperwork or something?” “It’s for your for your insurance so they can pay you for it?” I said, “No, it’s so that you can find it and bring it to me.” He’s like, “Oh, don’t worry, man.” “We are not going to find it.” “No, man.” “Don’t worry about that.” “No. You know, it’s Paris, man.” “When the bags are gone, they’re probably gone.” “They don’t ever pop up. Sometimes, if you’re lucky.” “But if it is not here by now, it’s probably gone.” “It’s Friday. There are some strikes. Just…” “You can leave. Don’t stress yourself. You can go.” It’s like, “Don’t even stress…” “Yo, It’s my luggage.” “That’s all my clothes.” He’s like, “But you are in Paris.” “You need clothes? This is Paris, man.” “Come on, Paris, go and buy some clothes.” “What’s wrong with you, man? Chill.” He was so confident, he made me feel like I was wrong. Like, I doubted myself. I walked away and I was like, “Am I wrong?” “Am I too attached to my luggage?” He wasn’t lying. Paris has a great selection of clothing. I had to go and buy clothes because I had nothing for my shows, for anything. And if you ever do go to Paris, take some extra money for the clothes shopping. It’s amazing. And try and also pack an extra pair of self-esteem. Yeah, you’ll need it when you shop with the French. ‘Cause they’re not your friends. Yeah. I’ve never been to a country where you are truly on your own when you’re shopping. You walk into a store, nobody helps you. Nothing. You don’t know who works there, who’s doing anything. Literally, it’s like Undercover Employee. Just walking around. [chuckles] It was 20 minutes, nobody helped me. Finally I started picking my own clothes, and I heard an annoyed voice behind me. “Can I help you?” I was like, “Hi. Yes. I need to get clothes, please.” “My luggage was lost.” And then, Detroit, I got roasted more than I’ve ever been roasted in my life. Ever. Ever. Everything I chose came with a scathing review. I was like, “Yeah, could I please, um, get this in a medium?” He was like, “Medium? No, you mean large or extra-large, no?” “Yeah, no, this one is medium for your body?” “I don’t think so, no?” I was like, “I’m sorry, what?” He’s like, “I think you’re a large. I can bring that one for you.” “Medium is too much for the shirt, okay?” [chuckling] I’m like, “What?” Yo, everything, everything. There was a jacket I wanted to buy. “Could I get this?” He’s like, “No, this one for your skin tone is not great.” “No, You have to think about what is complementary for the colors inside the fabric and also inside your face, okay?” “This one is not the best.” I was like, “Yo, I already own something like this.” He’s like, “Ah, and you’re wearing it?” “Well, not anymore.” “No, you can wear it if you want.” “C’est tranquille. Go ahead.” “No, you threatened me now.” You know what? It’s just different. A friend said to me, “Dude, the French are assholes, right?” I was like, “I don’t think that they’re assholes.” “I think they’re just very honest.” All right? It’s hard to tell the difference between the two. ‘Cause one day I was speaking to a French woman and I worked up the courage to ask her, I said, “Hey, um…” “Why are the French… like this?” And she said, “What do you mean?” I said, “When you’re in a store, they seem very mean.” “No, they’re not being mean. They’re just being themselves, no?” “Maybe because you are used to coming in a country where people, they are so afraid that you’re not going to tip them, that they are all on top of you.” “‘Can I help you? Can I help you?'” “But in France, we make sure that everybody is getting a good salary.” “A good wage.” “So we are not, you know, so stressed about that.” “In America, it’s like, ‘The customer is king.'” “But in France, you know what we do to kings.” “So, you know…” “It’s not the same here.” The French don’t play that game. You’ve been so much fun tonight, Detroit. Thank you. Proved me right. This is why you go to Detroit. For real. Beautiful, diverse. And the city’s been cool, too. We’ve been seeing a few things here and there. I had a fight with my friend Dave. He directs these specials and he said to me one day, “Yo, what are you doing during the day?” And I was, “Might go eat, do something.” He’s like, “Dude, why don’t we go check out all the museums in Detroit?” I was like, “Maybe like one.” He said, “What do you mean, one?” I was like, “Yeah, not all. What do you mean, all?” He’s like, “Dude, have you been here before?” “You know how many amazing museums they got?” “Yes, but it’s still a museum.” “I’ll do like one, and that’s it.” “I don’t have that much stamina. I can’t do as many as you.” “What do you mean you can’t do as many as me?” “Dude, because you’re white, like, you enjoy doing that.” And I was just joking. I was just teasing him. Just teasing him. He got so offended so quickly, right? [laughs] He’s like, “What did you say?” “Because you’re…” He’s like, “Dude, white people don’t love museums.” “What are you even talking about?” “Like, museums aren’t even in the top five things white people love, okay?” He said it with such confidence. and with such conviction, I was like, “What is the top five?” ‘Cause what a strange… “That’s not even in the top five.” Like, in his bedroom, he has a list on the wall of the top ten things. [laughing] It was amazing. I thought about it. I was like, “No, it is.” “I stick with my decision.” Museums would be. ‘Cause, no, it’s not even a bad thing. White people love museums. A lot of people enjoy museums, but white people love museums. Love museums. There’s not a single place on Earth where white people have settled and not built a museum. It doesn’t matter. White people love museums. You ever seen white people in a museum? Walking around smiling with their hands behind their back? “Yep, that was us.” “That was us, too.” “It’s been a good run.” White people love museums. I wouldn’t put it at number one, but it’d be in the top five. I thought about it. If there were top five things white people love, I’d put museums at number five. At number four, I’d put swimming. All right? ‘Cause white people love swimming. Nothing wrong with that. Have you seen white people swim? You look stunning. Stunning. When white people swim, you do that thing with your hair. You come out of the water, like… [imitates whooshing] Just go perfectly back like a duck. I would love swimming, too. White people love swimming. White people love swimming so much, that they made it that you can win more medals at the Olympics, swimming, than any other discipline. Yeah, that’s how much white people love swimming. I realized this one day. There was an argument going on about who the greatest Olympian of all time is. And the final two was Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt. And then one of the arguments was, “Well, Michael Phelps is better because he has more medals.” And I was like, “Yeah, because he cheated.” “He won them swimming.” I’m not saying Michael Phelps is not great. I’m saying you can’t count the medals in the argument. Because in swimming it’s the only discipline where you win more medals for doing the same thing in a slightly less efficient manner. It makes no sense. Think about it. It’s like, “100-meter freestyle.” [imitates beep] [panting] Done. Gold medal. Yeah. And now this. Another medal. Yeah. And this one? Another medal. But what about this one? Another medal. That’s some bullshit. I don’t care what anyone says. You can’t win more medals. Usain Bolt doesn’t have that luxury. When Usain Bolt runs, it’s the 100-meter and it’s done. “On your marks, set…” Run, run, run, run. Get to the end, win, gold medal. That’s it. He can’t turn around like, “Amazing race. And now I’m going to do it butterfly style.” It’s not a thing. I mean, it should be, but it’s not. White people love swimming, so they made up the rule. I get it. It would have to be, yeah. Of my top five things, I’d go museums at number five, swimming at number four. Number three, being flabbergasted. White people love being flabbergasted. Come on. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Have you ever seen when a white person’s having a bad day, something’s gone wrong, they do that thing with their face, get flabbergasted like… White people love being flabbergasted. You’ll see it in supermarkets all the time. There’s like a long line. All right? But only one cashier is open. [chuckles] Everyone’s standing patiently. There’s always one white person who pops out like… “Why don’t they open the other…” “Are you serious?” “What are they… Are you…” The only thing white people love more is finding another white person to flabbergast with. Have you seen that? Yo, whenever that happens, magic. It is absolute magic. A white person will be flabbergasting. They’ll make eye contact with another white person, and then they’ll flabbergast together. It’s like they Voltron their flabbergasting into a super flabbergast. You see them look over. “You see this?” “I know.” [sighing] That’s one of the keys to flabbergasting. You have to exhale. Let it all out. Life is so hard that the air has to leave your body. You can no longer even breathe. [sighing heavily] That’s why there’s so many tornadoes in the Midwest. It’s just white people flabbergasting… [sighing vigorously] White people love being flabbergasted. Has to be. Has to be top five. That would be my list. Top five things white people love. I’ve got museums at number five. All right, swimming at number four. Being flabbergasted, number three. Number two, being white. It’s a sweet gig. I don’t blame you. And then there’s number one. And look, this is my personal list. I’m not dictating anything. If you don’t agree, make your own, right? It’s a personal preference. But there is one thing, and one thing alone, that white people love more than anything on this planet. “Sweet Caroline.” Let me tell you something, Detroit. There is nothing that brings more joy to the soul of a white person than the sounds of that Neil Diamond song. I don’t care where it is. I’ve been on every continent, in many countries. When that song plays, you see white people’s eyes light up… like sleeper agents who’ve just been activated. It happens every time, without fail. Every single time. It’s not about music, other songs will be playing. They’ll be at a cookout or a baseball game, a company event. All the other songs are in the background. They pay them no heed. But when that song kicks in, it taps into the very DNA of whiteness. I don’t know what it is. But it interrupts everything else. You’ll see white people hanging out. They’ll be like, “Yeah, business, mergers and acquisitions.” “It’s one of those things.” “I know, we should circle back.” “Let’s put a pin in it.” [blabbering] And that song comes in, and every single time… You think it won’t happen. It always creeps in. It always seems like it won’t happen. I didn’t say, “All together now.” Or, “On the count of three.” That was just your whiteness coming out. Did you feel that? Huh? That was just you. You were like, “This is it!” “This is our moment!”  Oh, oh, oh   I’m white, white, white, white   White, white  Look at you right now. You’re beaming! Look at your face. Look at you. Look at that joy. Ten minutes ago, “I don’t know about this guy.” Now you’re like, “Best comedian ever!” Don’t ever lose that joy. None of you white people. You hold on to it. It is a treasure. It is the most adorable thing in the world. Nothing makes white people happier than that song. Nothing. That song is pure, uncut Caucasian joy. That’s what that song is. White people cannot resist it. Yeah, forget 23andMe. If you want to know how much white you have in you, play that song. The louder you respond, the whiter you are. I just saved you some money. There’s no white person I’ve seen… It is the Marco to your Polo. That’s what that song is. I’ll tell you, if there was ever, like, a giant earthquake, God forbid, and people were trapped beneath the rubble, I’d volunteer to find all the white people. I’ll be like, “You guys find everybody else.” “I got this. I got this!”  “Sweet Caroline”  “I found another one!” “You okay, man?” [coughs to the beat of “Sweet Caroline”] Right now some of you are like, “Trevor, we like that song, but it’s not the most important to us.” Yeah? Then how come you didn’t help me sing the anthem? Detroit, you have been amazing. Thank you so much. I had such a great time with all of you. I appreciate you. Good night. [“Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond playing]  Where it began   I can’t begin to know when   But then I know it’s growing strong  Was in the spring…  [music stops] [sighs in relief] [man] How’d we do? It works every time, Neil Diamond. [chuckling] All right. It works every time. [chuckles]  Sweet Caroline Pum, pum, pum   Good times never seemed so good  I’ve been inclined   To believe they never would   But now I look at the night   And it don’t seem so lonely   We fill it up with only two  And when I hurt   Hurtin’ runs off my shoulders…  Thank you so much. That was fantastic. Thank you so much.  Sweet Caroline…"}
{"Title": "Girl Daddy", "Artist": "Beth Stelling", "Intro": "", "context": "  Beth Stelling’s stand-up comedy special, “Girl Daddy,” was released on HBO Max on August 20, 2020. The show was recorded at the Varsity Theater in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Beth Stelling is a comedian who has been in the industry for over a decade. Her comedy style is known for being artfully hilarious and thought-provoking. In “Girl Daddy,” Stelling talks about her family, society, and the exes who have shaped her. She shares her experiences with sex, drugs, and babies in a way that is both relatable and entertaining. In this special, Stelling talks about how she has been called a “female comic” so many times that if she ever has kids, they might as well call her “girl daddy”. She also shares her thoughts on the societal expectations placed on women and how she has navigated them throughout her life.", "Text": "So I started to speak freely   Figured it would lead me to war or a peace treaty   And knew no matter what, end up with a deep sleep   And the habits of a soul who knows what it’s seeking   You’re thinking it’s a joke, but it’s not folks   It’s all in the delivery  Thank you. Thank you guys. Thank you for coming out. It is good to be here in Minneapolis, thank you. Whenever I’m on tour, I have to prepare to be gone for awhile. And so I was at the pharmacy, I was picking up my prescription for acne. I love my acne, keeps me young. I’m on antibiotics, they’re working. I’ve been on them for seven years, which I heard is good for you. Before that, I was on spironolactone, any spiro heads here? Are you really on it? Did it make you pee a lot? Yes, and it made me faint. What? Did it thin your hair at all? No. Okay, we can, we’ll talk more later. It did, it made me pee a lot, it thinned my hair out, it made my boobs hurt really bad. I grew very alarmed and I chose to do nothing. I just waited for the follow-up appointment with the doctor and he said, “Oh yeah, I should have told you, “it’s going to make your boobs,” he actually said titties, he was like, “It’s going to make your titties more sensitive.” I thought, that would have been nice to know. I’ve been slowly saying goodbye to my family. So I’m at the pharmacy, you can’t help, but pick up other things, they designed it that way. And Easter is my favorite season of candy. Now, thankfully they have Peeps pretty much year-round. So I picked up some, who knows, Flag Day peeps. I don’t look at the shape before, I barely taste when I eat. And I also picked up a bunch of condoms ’cause I’m the breadwinner of most of my relationships. And I’m also not on birth control because sometimes birth control is like, I know you’re hungry, but what if you cried? So I don’t do that. And as I’m checking out the man at the pharmacy, he slides my prescription and I sign for it. He slides the Peeps and then he goes to slide the condoms and for some reason out loud to him, I say, “These aren’t for me.” I’m a grown woman in my sixties, like I’m very open about sex, all of a sudden a man, I don’t know, touches a box of condoms, and I’m like these, I would never, I got back to my car and I turned inward. I was like, what happened back there, man? You got weird. I don’t know, I guess if you’re a dude buying condoms, maybe you feel cool. ‘Cause like you’re gonna get laid or whatever. I don’t know how you feel. Do you, or, he’s like I don’t wear condoms, because I don’t get pregnant. That always cracks me up, wen the dude chimes in with like, she trapped me with a baby. Impossible. You have the missing ingredient and we love to bake. if I had all the ingredients for a cake except for the sugar, and then you, what’s your name? Jeremy. Jeremy brought over the sugar, we’d be like this cake wouldn’t be possible without Jeremy. thank you so much for this cake, Jeremy. Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy. That’s right. What I’m saying is men are garbage, but But, women are the can, okay. So we’re in it together. Sometimes you have to flip us over and shake us for us to let go of garbage. But I think what it boils down to in my personal opinion, I think dudes, you’re just, you’re more in touch with your personal pleasure from a very early age. Late elementary, early junior high, the boys I grew up with in Ohio were just constantly talking about jerking off or jerking off or doing this motion, which I added to my vocabulary far too soon. I had no clue what it meant. I would just be like, okay, mom, take a gamble. I was punished. It’s so high. What are we doing with it up here? Everybody knows, it’s like… vi-vi-vi-vi… Like who are you jerking off that’s shoulder height. That’s question one from me. Then sex ed happened in junior high. I remember our health teacher saying I taught my sons how to masturbate. I was like, is that legal? I thought we were hiding it. But young girls have sex organs, too. Even though some of us don’t look down until we’re 23. But as a kid, I was secretly humping all kinds of stuff around the house. I was humping the couch, I was humping the bannister, with a pillow after this splinter incident. I was humping the edge of the bathtub. I remember one year my mom wanted to move and I said, we can’t. My girlfriends live here. Can you imagine if we taught our daughters to masturbate? My mom could’ve kept decorative pillows about, instead it took like the strength of three of my closest girlfriends when we turned 18 to even go to a sex store. Meanwhile, I feel like into adulthood, dudes, you can just hop in your car, drive somewhere, get fully jerked off. I was a little vague. In my head, I was thinking like a rub and tug scenario or a happy ending situation. You know what I’m talking about? He was like, yes, that’s how we met. Have any women here been offered a happy ending? Just an angry silence. It’s more of a man’s game, the happy ending. I guess it’s what we look at as like your complete and total relaxation, either that or we look at your semen as poison and we’re like, get it out of them so they don’t hurt anybody. I think it’s a positive thing, as long as nobody’s freaking trapped in a room. And of course whether you know it or not, there’s tons of sex workers all around us. The problem is whenever I get a massage, I just assume that the massage therapist is falling in love with me. Do you do that, I’m like we’re not talking, but I’m pretty sure he’s impressed with my back. And maybe my shoulders would drop two inches if somebody just offered to like, just a little bit. But no, for a lot of reasons, a lot of liabilities, the main one being that massage therapists are not sex workers. That’s the big one. It got conflated along the way. I don’t know why, maybe because people were already naked. I feel like if somebody started offering hand jobs at the pool, lifeguards would probably suffer the same plight. They’re just like trying to save somebody and the person’s like, yeah, choke me. And I’m like, what the fuck? I don’t think that the female orgasm is as equated with relaxation and release. I think it’s because everyone assumes women relax by like curling up on a couch at night, underneath a quilt that we made, just warming ourselves by a fire, while we pet our cat, and sip Celestial Seasonings tea like mmm, mmm, mmm. I’ve never orgasmed that way. Not once, it would take so much from the cat and its little paw. And then after an hour I’d be like, get off of me. I’ll do it myself. I have a good amount of guy friends that genuinely believe that they like sex more than women. And I love orgasming. There’s not a woman in here who doesn’t love orgasming. It’s the sex that’s the problem. Now, look, I assume every man in here tonight is just so good at fucking, so I’m not talking about anybody in here. The problem is outside and we just have to take what we talk about here tonight and help them. I try to have healthy conversations about these things. I did a podcast recently in exchange for some tap water and two new fans. The podcast, it was hosted by a male comedian and he wanted to talk about the Me Too movement because you gotta if you have a lady on the pod. And his hot take was sort of the Me Too movement, well, what are we supposed to do now? I was like, what were you doing before? I guess keep doing or stop doing that. Now we were doing shows together all weekend and I was the only comic on the shows who agreed to do his podcast. So I decided to take it as an opportunity to confront him about one of his jokes that I didn’t love and this podcast was never released . We don’t like to be challenged. But he had a joke that he was performing that went like I used to fuck chicks all the time after shows. Which is true. When a male comic’s up here, it’s very attractive to women, a sense of humor, and he has an hour window after the show to capitalize on that before the girl finds out like, oh my God, he’s so sad. So his joke was like, I used to fuck chicks all the time after shows. Now, if I want to fuck a chick and she likes it rough, I’m going to need paperwork to fuck. Insinuating that if she were also into rough sex, she would then later lie and use it to accuse him of, what’s it called when somebody wants to have sex with you, but you don’t, and they do it anyway? Rape. Thank you, it’s so much easier when somebody else brings it up. People do not like hearing a woman comic say that word. I guess because the dudes are like, hey, that’s our thing. I think paperwork’s a good idea. I’m for it. I am pro paperwork. Just to be clear, I think it’s interesting he decided to live in a profession that’s been relegated to women for the last hundred years like he’d probably need me to like draw up the paperwork for him. In which case, I could put a clause in there that says not bringing the female to climax is punishable by law. Or something, I don’t know, I’m spitballing. And then maybe a clause in there for him that says like the safe word is stop. Give that a whirl. It just bothered me that night after night, he was performing these jokes for crowds full of people just like you. Well, we were in Vegas, like nothing like you. Just scaring roomfuls of dudes about having post-Me Too sex, when most of you guys are doing it right. There’s probably only like one rapist in here. I don’t know, maybe two, look around, they’re not laughing. Are you sitting here as a heterosexual man, and you don’t know how to touch a woman, like get up here. I’ll show you, I’m just kidding. I feel like, do you know how to pet a cat? How about that? If you’re scared during these times and you’re alone with a woman, just pretend that it’s a cat. That’s my advice for you. Just wait for it to come up to you. It might take a while. Let it smell you before you pet it. And if it’s all curled up sleeping, don’t pick it up. It doesn’t like that. And then if the cat comes up to you and starts rubbing its face on your face, hard, sometimes shockingly hard, then you can ask yourself, like, is this cat trying to fuck? And then yes, go ahead and fuck that cat. You guys seem cool. Maybe I was wrong and I was just overly worried for you guys. I just didn’t like that he would be scaring you, but maybe you’re not scared at all, and it’s just like a handful of celebrities and some very vocal comics that are scared, scared of getting accused of rape. For some reason, it’s easier to hear in a Scottish accent. I don’t know, I don’t know why they’re scared. They’re going to get away with it. If they go through this system is what I’m saying. I was watching a famous colleague of mine yell into a microphone and he was like, so you know there’s no due process, it’s fricking crazy. A woman makes a claim and people just believe her without going through the legal system. I’m like, ah, the legal system, or as I like to call it, the white man’s FUBU… just For Us By Us. It’s their safe space really. It’s why they have a checklist of things they like you to go down after you’ve been raped. Number one: did you go to the cops? It’s like me personally, I would rather talk to Ice T’s character of a cop than a real cop if I got raped, because at least Ice T would listen and then say something like, that’s messed up. And then when he got back to the precinct, he’d probably fire something off like gotta be Mrs. Butterworth in order to make a rape charge stick. Two: they’re always like, did you go to the hospital? It’s like, do you guys remember at the beginning, when I thought I had breast cancer and I just waited it out. If I got raped, I don’t want to run an errand, okay. And three: they really don’t want you to use social media about it, ’cause then other people might come forward and something might get done. So they sort of villainize you and call you like a social justice or a hashtag warrior. And it’s like, do you guys think that Tarana Burke wanted to start the Me Too movement on Twitter? The same website people use to talk about their Taco Bell diarrhea? I’m thinking no, but her options were limited. And then there will always be somebody who says, women make these claims for attention. And I’m just like, who would want that attention? Like, what are the benefits? Are you imagining these women going to job interviews and saying things like, as you can see on my resume, not only have I been raped, I’ve also been doxed. And I think you’ll find that I work best in groups rather than one-on-one. And I’m willing to work 24-7 because frankly, I’m terrified to be alone in my apartment. And that’s just a job interview for Taco Bell. So you can imagine, I just, I can’t think of like a celebrity accuser. The only one that comes to mind, I guess, is Lorena Bobbitt, but she didn’t do that for attention. She just got famous for disarming her assailant. I don’t know, maybe arm is generous. Still, if I could choose a superpower, it would be penis 100%. I’m so jealous of your dicks. I want one to have and to hold, but like also on my person, I feel like it’s easier to pee. You can pee anywhere, shape, line, you can spell your name, Jeremy. Is it a Y there at the end? Really let her rip. I also think it’s easier to receive pleasure from a stranger. Like anybody can figure it out. It’s like up down. I think it’s cause your penises are outside of you. Right, you know what I mean. He’s like my dick is out right now. But for me, more of an indoor situation, our bodies are like homes. Some of us more an Airbnb, but we can be, we can be entered. We can be entered. That’s why it’s important to knock or bring a gift. Just because you’ve come over once doesn’t mean you get keys, crazy. But dudes, you have like a fun, quick name for pleasure on the go, it’s blowjob. And then sometimes you shorten that to BJ or like beej. But for me it’s like, can I interest you in performing cunnilingus? It sounds scientific. Even our fun word for it, going down, has a negative connotation. It’s like going down to hell. It’s a little hot down there, but hypothetically, any person in here with a penis could just walk back to the bathrooms, get a quick beej to compleesh, but me, I have to walk back to the bathrooms, make sure that there’s a koala care station. Pull it down. Hoist my body up onto it. Get these overalls off. Buckle myself in, in case it’s good. And then fingers crossed that I showered. No, but truly like if you had a long day at work and then you found out you were going to get intimate with somebody and you didn’t feel fresh, you could just slip away to the bathroom and wash your dick off in the sink. And I hope you do. But for me it’s like, have you ever tried to gut a pumpkin? There’s a lot of seeds. Is my hand better or a spoon? We can’t be sure it’s clean until we get a candle in here. You’re not going to find me pants-less on the Koala Care. I promise. Frankly, it won’t hold me. I’m definitely more of a relationship person. Like I’m willing to be unhappy with someone for up to three years. I’ve also never been dumped, I’m undefeated. Thank you, oh thank you so much. I tend to go relationship to relationship. I think a professional would call that codependent. I call it college educated, okay. I don’t quit a job before I have another one lined up. My last relationship was very on again, off again. I would break up with him, but it wouldn’t stick. He would convince me that we were soulmates and then later complained you’re always trying to change me. I’m like, yes, exactly. You won’t let me go, I’m making do with what I have. He did have a big penis, he wanted me to tell you guys that. I’m sure he still has it. Everybody acts like that’s a good thing. It always gave me anxiety, especially before sex. I always felt like I was prepping myself for minor outpatient surgery. Just in the way that he’d always say, now you’re going to feel a little bit of light pressure. And then it was over. He’d be like count back from 100, I never got into the eighties. And then afterwards he’d be standing over me like you lost a lot of fluid. I’m like, that was you. He would always go down on me, which you should all be doing, before sex, but he would just go down on me and then he would drool a lot all over my hoot and then look up and say, whoa, you’re so wet. That would be like if I lit the kitchen on fire and then yelled, dinner’s ready. You cannot unlock a lock by just dousing it in WD-40. There’s a key. Sometimes there’s a code. I’m not saying I’m amazing in bed. Like sure, I’ve gotten my 10,000 hours in and I hate to brag, but I can last forever in bed without coming. Hours, weeks, I’ve gone a year. I didn’t even have to think about dead animals or baseball, like I was trying. So I’ve turned to dating younger men, I’m a bit of a coug. Thank you. I like sleeping with younger men because you can use tactics on them in bed that you know work on younger people. For example, you can be like, let’s see how fast you can do it, I’ll time you. Last one to come’s a rotten egg. I’m kidding, it’s me. All my eggs are rotten, I’m 63. I’ve been dating a guy who’s nine years younger than me. And, when we first started dating, I had like high school feelings for him. And I couldn’t tell whether it was ’cause he was the one or just so recently out of high school. He’s of age, to be clear. I don’t want to creep anybody out. I feel like I’m teaching him a lot about life, love, sober sex. I’m raising a wonderful young man. And he’s teaching me stuff too about memes, it’s mostly memes. I’m haha, he’s more LOL. There’s an age gap. If you are sitting here as a relationship person, you have to be careful because, you know, you end a relationship with this high level of intimacy and when you meet someone new, you have to start over. But it’s very tempting to pick up right where you left off because you can hit it off with a stranger immediately. And you can’t always tell whether it’s passion, or alcoholism, or mental illness. Sometimes it takes a bit for that to roll out. I was once dating this con artist. He would prefer artist. Three months into our relationship, I actually caught him eating one of his boogers. Now, in his defense, there was still like a little bit of cocaine left in it, but it’s a bad sign, you know, when you wish your boyfriend just ate regular boogs. This is sort of when I wish women would talk more, you know, like give each other the review. We keep very separate and that’s where their strength lies. I was warned once, she was just too late, and a woman came up to me after a show and she said, hey, we need to talk. And I thought ruh-roh. She said, I also dated that con artist after you and a little bit during. And she said, he gave me chlamydia. So you might want to go get checked. And then I went and I got checked and I didn’t have it. So I didn’t need to tell you guys any of that. I think my point was I don’t know why I was drawn to this person. Like I barely drink, I’ll have a beer. I’ll take a little toot on the weed horn, absolutely. But hard drugs scare me. Like the closest I’ve come to doing cocaine is just trying to pet a guinea pig in a cage. Have you ever done that? Oh my God, they’re in there, they’re running around, they’re kicking up chips. It’s like, what a rush. Try to get your hand in and out of there without freaking out. Your heart’s gonna race, I guarantee it. Separately, I dated a Russian DJ, naturally, and he had just told me that he was going to stop doing cocaine for me, which meant he was going to stop telling me when he did cocaine. This is one of those like hit it off immediately situations, we’re very into each other and it’s like our fourth date, but I’m trying to keep it light and not latch on too soon. And he looks at me across the table and he says, I haven’t felt this way about a woman in six years. And all I could think was just, who is she? All I need is an Instagram handle, so I can go to her Etsy store and order one of her items and leave a cryptic review I love women. I hate what we do in review sections. I do a lot of online shopping to feel whole and I order many, many items. All of which I send back and I read a ton of reviews ’cause I’m very careful when I waste my time. And I will be on bloomingdales.com, looking at some inordinately expensive T-shirt where a woman has written a review that says I’m five-foot-one, 90 pounds, and swimming in a small. It’s like we get it. You’ve never broken a chair. Just say it runs large, okay. We don’t need your stats, Nina. So after this woman called me fat on the internet, I retaliated and I wrote my own review of the same t-shirt without having purchased it. And my review, I wrote I’m five-foot-nine I graduated magna cum laude. I have a really big one bedroom and I don’t weigh myself, post. 43 people found that helpful. I don’t, I don’t weigh myself. I just ask someone to draw me. And if they reach for a jumbo Sharpie, maybe I dial it back a bit. If I feel like it, I like fluctuating. It keeps it fun, keeps it fresh. I heard it’s good for your heart. I used to weigh myself when I was chubbier, when I was working in the bagel industry. I was in quality control. And when I worked at the bagel shop, I ate too much, too many times, to the point where you could see it on my body. Food is interesting like that, you show your work. I put up some of my best numbers at the bagel shop. It was during a time in my life where I thought that cookies might go extinct. My top score was 198 pounds, which, I’m 5-9 as I mentioned, it’s kind of nothing on my frame. You know, 198 is not a wake-up call. That’s a challenge. You’re going to get two pounds away from 200 and not hit it. Go fuck yourself. I did it the next day. No matter what the scale says, I always feel good about myself. I have like reverse body dysmorphia or something. ‘Cause if you don’t know, regular body dysmorphia, it’s when you think you’re fat, but you’re actually stupid. No, there’s other reasons like mothers and being brainwashed by doctored images of other women. since the time we could see. That one’s a little dark, but I keep it in. I guess I wouldn’t have to make jokes about this stuff if women’s worth, weren’t still based on our looks but for some reason it is. Some people know that and they think the highest compliment that they can pay a woman is like, hey, I noticed that you lost weight and you look amazing. And that just fills us up because we are so hungry. And if you think about it, all you’re really saying is like, hey, I noticed that you take up less space and I like it. And we’re like, thank you. Someday, I hope to not even be here. I wish I didn’t remember every negative thing somebody said to me about my body. But it’s the stuff people say to you about your appearance that you remember. If nobody said anything, I would have been fine. Can’t see how big your ass is when you’re trucking straight ahead. I was dating a guy for a while and we went out to eat and we finished the meal. And then I decided to order a cinnamon roll to go, just to feel safe, and he looked at me and he said, I love you, but I don’t think you need that cinnamon roll. For free, nobody there to him to say it. So when we got back to my apartment, he asked, are you mad at me? And I said, yes. And he explained, I was just worried about your health. Now to give it context, he and I had had discussions about how sometimes people who’ve been through trauma have an emotional attachment to food. And that’s true for me. Sometimes being full feels like a hug from the inside. So while I appreciate his concern, I’d only gain 10 or 15 pounds and you can’t die from a muffin top. Now here’s where he tripped into a light jog out of my life. He decided to add, “It’s just that my therapist told me that I could tell you that I was more attracted to you when you were exercising and eating better.” And I thought, is your therapist your friend Sean? ‘Cause it sounds like Sean, who also called me crazy for making you wash your hands before sex after riding the subway, but I feel like every surgeon has to scrub in, okay. This was all coming from a very thin person and I never asked him to eat more so it didn’t feel like I was trying to snuggle with a jungle gym, or get fucked by a rhombus. That’s a lot of sharp angles coming at me. Whatever, everybody’s health goals are different. Some people’s health goals are just being able to tell what the diarrhea was from. I think we’re finally in a good place where everybody realizes that being fat doesn’t mean you’re unhealthy and being thin doesn’t mean you’re healthy. When I was 200 pounds, I lived with a girl who was a hundred pounds and she would always call herself fat. She was a German shepherd, but like she carried it well. It affects everybody. I know it affects men too. Of course you guys aren’t immune to body image issues, or maybe you have events in mind you’d like to look good for. I remember my sister got married during my bagel years and I made the mistake of comparing myself to one of the other bridesmaids online, which you never want to do, you know it, don’t compare yourself to other people. But I remember thinking I’m going to lose so much weight for this wedding. And then, oh, I didn’t. I just kept being me and I got a last-minute spray tan instead. I just showed up to my sister’s wedding looking insane, just chubby and orange, which at the time was not presidential, okay, this is years prior. Probably started it. I remember one of the other bridesmaids in the party pulled me aside before like the aisle part, and she said, remember Beth, today is about your sister, it’s not about you. I was like, what? I can’t help that I’m pulling focus, okay. I’m orange and I have a dark brown upper lip. It sticks to the fur. Thankfully they got a divorce so those photos have been destroyed. It always amazes me whenever my sister gets married. You could look at it negatively. I think it’s a beautiful thing, I do. Do you know how hard it is to put yourself out there, over and over again, and be vulnerable enough to fall in love. I’m a full coward. I’m very noncommittal. If I’m ever at the altar and the pastor says, do you, Beth, take this person to be your whatever. If so, say I do. I’m just going to be like, eh, it’s not that I don’t. I just feel weird saying it in front of everybody. Good news is I come from a very pro-divorce family and my older sister and I, we never liked our middle sister’s first husband. He had a Samsung Galaxy. But I was praying that his would explode over his penis. Is that how religion works, I just started. I may have tweeted something to that effect, and he found the tweet, which I appreciate the follow, brother. But he got very upset and he showed the tweet to my sister. And he said, your sister’s tweeting about my dick getting blown off, with like the rage of a man who plays softball. And I am going to save it and I’m going to read it to the kids to sabotage their relationship with Beth. And I was like, whoa, I can’t believe I got him to read to his kids. My sister tried everything. I don’t know if you’ve ever planned a second or third wedding, but stuff starts flying off the truck. You find yourself cutting corners, saying things like, maybe we don’t need to walk down the aisle. We could already be down there. Or who needs a reception, we’ll just meet at the bar. And the dresses change over time. Your first wedding, you’re in a beautiful ball gown. And eventually you end up in a white business suit just like, this time I’m serious. Now of course, marriage can be a beautiful thing. I’m thankful I don’t feel the pressure to do it, but I love watching my sisters do it. I don’t love all the traditions they’ve kept. Like I don’t enjoy the bride sweepstakes, the giveaway part where our dad walks ’em down the aisle in a white dress. And he’s like, here are the untouched goods, you take care of it. It just feels weird, I don’t want my dad giving me away, like he never had me. I also feel there’s gotta be somebody better suited for the job. I was thinking about it long and hard, and what I came up with was maybe my ex-boyfriend, Nick, will do it, give me away. We had three wonderful years together. I loved him, he loved me. I actually have his name tattooed on my back, so he kind of owes me on this. And I broke up with him, but he’s married now, so maybe he’d like to hear from me. I don’t know. I found out he was married because of Instagram. I still follow his sister, she hasn’t blocked me yet. And she posted this beautiful photo of him and his wife on their wedding day, which I felt like was really in my face. I think if I asked him to do it, he would. And then Nick could walk me down the aisle and we’d get to my almost-husband, and then maybe like one last kiss and then Nick could lean into him and whisper something like there’s a little bit left, you know, or something. I don’t know, I’m workshopping it. I just want somebody to make an honest woman out of me. And then if his wife hates the idea I could offer to get her name tattooed under his. It’s like his name, her name, any children they have, I’m willing to do pets. I should be arrested. I really do have his name tattooed back there. Do you know how hard it is to get laid with another man’s name on your back? Not hard, it isn’t. Never been an issue. Despite everything I’ve said leading up to this point, I do have a relationship with my father. I just called him back yesterday, ’cause he had called me on Father’s Day and I wanted to get back. My parents divorced when I was young and my dad moved down to Orlando, Florida to be an actor, which is not where you go. He did, he eventually landed a role as Blackbeard at Pirate’s Cove mini putt-putt golf course. And when you know celebrities, there are going to be perks. So my two older sisters and I, we would leave our mom in Ohio and go down to Orlando to visit our dad because it was court-ordered. Free putt-putt, baby. My dad would dress like a pirate from here down. And then Alice, the manager at the time, would give my dad this huge Blackbeard head to put on top of his head that rested on his shoulders. And then he would walk around the mini golf place making people’s time better, question mark. But before my dad’s shift would start and before we ran off, he would pull us aside after we picked out our clubs and he’d gather us around and he’d get very serious and he’d be like, girls, listen up, get over here. Look at me. Listen. When the head goes on, look at me. When the head goes on. I’m not dad anymore. Very method, okay, which from one artist to another, I respected, but I was also the youngest of the three girls. You know when your sisters tell you to shut up? And then two seconds later you’re like, as we go on, we remember, and then they hit you and you’re like, I’m sorry. I forgot, seriously I forgot. So I did, I forgot. And I got a little hole in one and I started yelling for my dad instead of Blackbeard. And he found where the sound was coming from in the head, he was like at a higher hole. And he peeked around this blue waterfall and just looked down at us and shook the whole head, like no. I don’t know if you’ve ever disappointed a parent that has a bigger head on top of their head, but it’s like triple the disappointment. And also a little passive-aggressive, ’cause there’s like a huge smile on the outside of the face, But not on the inside. After that, he could have gone anywhere, Disney, Universal, the mall, but he bucked industry standards and he started his own business that’s called Stars on Call. He describes his work as live roadside commercials or like character directionals. He dresses up in different costumes and he stands in front of businesses that are paying them to get people inside. I’m sure you have people like that here, right? It’s usually like a kid in front of Subway sandwiches with a sign and earbuds and like, fuck my life. My dad blows those assholes out of the water. He’s out there high-kicking. He’s pelvic thrusting. There’s a lot of raising the roof. He’s a leprechaun in front of this Irish pub called the Carry Him In. He’s a gorilla in front of Gold’s Gym. He’s a slice of pizza. Has anyone seen my dad? In the Orlando area? Real question, I like to ask, ’cause one time I think I was in Houston, a guy went, yo, is your dad, the fireman in front of Firehouse Subs. And I was like, yes, that’s my maker. He also does a fairly offensive portrayal of a Mexican in front of this place called Tijuana Flats, but he’s been doing it for 29 years, so at this point it is on them. If you call my dad’s number, he’ll answer and he’ll be like Stars on Call, this is Bert. Yeah, you want Chef Big Butt from three to five? No problem, I’ll send a man out. Always him. Nobody else works for that company. He’s a genius. I guess technically his wife. He found somebody to marry him down in Orlando and sometimes she’ll zip up his morph suit. As kids always felt like on our visits, my dad would like consistently choose our stepmom over me and my sisters, and like, I get it. You know, she gave him head and all we had were questions. But my dad has been in Orlando now for so long his personality is very much Fox news. Like, I mean, he’s so MAGA, he’s stealing jobs from the Mexicans. Growing up, we’d have these weekly calls that you have with your divorced parents and he would spew a fairly feminist rhetoric. He would always say, girls, remember to get the education you need to get the job you need, to get the car and the house you need. Then worry about the husband. And then in high school he started calling us and saying things like, if you ever get pregnant, I’ll take the baby. What? I don’t think he meant steal it, I think he meant take it and raise it. I wish more anti-choice people were like him. Like if you have it, I’ll take it. But they’re not, they just want you to have it. And then you never hear from ’em again. No thank you note, no money, it’s rude. I’m sure you’re wondering how hard it must’ve been for my mom to watch my dad go off and become a big star… on call, none-the-less. She’s fine. She’s currently sleeping with this very handsome, cavalier King Charles spaniel. His name is Nigel. She loves him. I feel like all he does is just try to eat her food and put his dick on our good pillows. I’ve been replaced. She sort of… She likes to update me on what they’re up to if they’re hanging and stuff. One time she sent me a photo of Nigel on the front porch. You know when a dog like splays their back legs out equally. So the hind is like, peuwww, you know what I mean? I better do it. Sorta like, when the dog is like fully flat, just like you know what I mean, it’s like penis to pavement, just like cooling his dick off on the cement. My mom sent me a photo of Nigel like this on the front porch, in the caption she wrote, it’s pretty hot here. I was like, ew. Is this a sext? Is this Nigel? My mom… Can you just imagine the dog, like ticka-ticka-tick… My mom has been out of the game for a while. I took her on a retirement trip and we were out to eat, we must have run out of things to talk about ’cause at the end of the meal I asked my mom, have you ever gotten a dick pic? She goes a nickel? I was like, what? Never mind, I don’t know why I even asked you that. Is anybody here with their mom? Oh you, good, I love it when people come with their mom, especially if I talk about something sexual, it’s so fun to look at you guys, because you’re usually like, I don’t know, are we laughing? Which I chalk up to like a sexual spectrum of mother, how moms raise their kid in regard to sex. ‘Cause on one side of the sexual spectrum, some moms are like, sex does not exist. And then their kids go away to college and they’re like, yes it does. And then there are moms on the opposite side of the sexual spectrum who say things like, hi honey, how was your orgasm? And you’re like, ew. I will not be coming home for Thanksgiving. Thankfully I didn’t have to deal with that. My mom is 100% a virgin. When she does start dating, I’m going to have to ask her like, how was your date? And then she’ll say, I don’t know, we were kissing, and then his penis got sharp. I don’t have to explain it to my mom. My sisters, on the other hand, love to bone. They like to have sex, get fertilized, wait for it to go from embryo, to fetus, to baby. And then they birth the baby. It’s like their thing. Whenever my oldest sister’s pregnant, her husband likes to announce it, and he’ll always say, “We’re pregnant!” Which has historically irked some people because they feel like the woman is doing a lot of the heavy lifting. I, however, have turned a corner and I like it, I do. ‘Cause it did, it took two people to do that thing, which is why I like to practice with all the men in my crowd before we go. I just like to practice saying we’re pregnant on three. So all the men in the crowd on three, we’ll say, “we’re pregnant.” One, two, three. We’re pregnant. Okay, you’re also drunk. Not everybody did it. If that didn’t resonate with you, I guess you could just go home and practice. We’re aborting. That’s honestly where we could use your help the most. For some reason, the stigma of abortion is just fully on a woman, it’s bonkers. Back where I’m from in Ohio, they were talking about putting a woman in prison if she gets an abortion and I’m like, eh, she had an accomplice. We haven’t had a Mary since that first one. And even then you’re telling me that God stopped at one kid. The self-restraint there is admirable. Like God just had Jesus and then we lost him. You think he’d try again. I just feel like mortal men, sometimes it feels like mortal men, you’re more careful pouring a beer than you are with your jizz. Just like, ooh, ooh, not too much head. It is like the only time you say that. And then privately you’re just spreading biomedical hazard, like…gooogggg I don’t blame you. Nobody teaches enough about this stuff. Some people don’t even like hearing the word abortion. But as long as birth control is hard for a lot of people to get and boners are hard to keep in condoms, they’re going to happen. I think we just got to stop looking at abortion like leftovers. Hear me out, keep breathing through the joke. Imagine it like this. Like a couple goes out for a big meal and they over-order, they’re reckless, they’re probably wasted. And at the end of the meal, there’s a bunch of leftovers and the dude says, you take them. And the woman says, oh, I don’t want them, you take them. And the dude says I can’t, I don’t have a fridge. And she asks then why did you put it in the box? You shouldn’t have put it in the box. Now we’re going to have to throw it away. And the dude says, “Okay, do you want me to like walk you to a trash can?” And then for some reason on the way to the trash can, there’s only random people yelling at her, like, “You wasteful bitch!” She’s like, what, he paid for half? I’m just saying abortion is not really the time to go Dutch, maybe treat her. And of course there’s a lot of good men out there. I was living in Bloomington, Indiana, and I saw a man praying in front of the Planned Parenthood. And I imagined that he was just saying like, dear God, please make sure that Brenda came here on Wednesday when she said she would. So there’s some good ones. Whenever my sisters are pregnant at the same time– like that’s happened simultaneously a couple times– people can’t help themselves, they always ask me like, did they plan it? I’m just like what does that look like for you? Do you think one of my sisters called the other and said, hey, what’s up, what are you doing? And the other was like, I don’t know, what are you doing? No. I don’t know what the season is for unprotected sex, but I think it’s always in Ohio. I have so many nieces and nephews running around, I can’t keep track. Sometimes I just have to wait for them to like play in a group, and then I shout out a name like, “Charlotte” and wait for one to turn. Get over here, let’s connect. I don’t even know what I would name kids if I had them. Obviously Jeremy, your parents struggled. I had a friend who actually named their daughter Harbor because she and her husband conceived her in this beautiful hotel in a harbor, which is truly disturbing. If my family did that, we would have so many Alleys and Sofas. Maybe like one The Woods, I’m from Ohio. And then what, they’re just supposed to call me mom? There’s already so many. I didn’t even know my mom had a first name until recently. I’d just been calling her mom for so long. And then she phoned me up and asked why haven’t you followed me back on Instagram? I was like, who’s Diane? I don’t even know if I would respond to mom. I’ve been called a female comic Ss many times I’d respond better to girl daddy. Just imagine my future imaginary son, like the last to get picked up, at probably afternoon kindergarten. And his teacher walks over to him and asks, Van, is your mother coming? And then he’ll be like, no, my girl dad is, she’s just always late. She’s probably picking up my sister, Shallow Grave. You guys have been so great. Thank you for listening. Thank you so much.  So I started to speak freely   Figured it would lead me to a war or peace treaty   And knew no matter what end up with a deep sleep   The habits of a soul who knows what it’s seeking   You’re thinking it’s a joke, but it’s not, folks   It’s all in the delivery   See underneath my smile’s a symphony   I style the epiphany like Tiffany’s   Then pivot and point out the irony   And leave you pitted in the middle of my diary   See everything inspires me   And I know better, I’m no better   I have made mistakes that could ruin or you admire me   And maybe if the stakes were graded, one day it happened   I’d be asked out and pushed packing for my retirement   I practice what I preach and preach what I have practiced   When we’re wrong, ask forgiveness   And takin’ blame entirely   If every lying liar’s pants were on fire in my city   We’d need the whole lake in its entirety, yeah   Hypocrisy is in an apocalyptic prophecy   Destined to pop off and pop with an apostrophe   And what it’s costing me is obvious   This is proudly, it’s preposterous   It’s going for drinks with Bill Cosby-ous   This apocalyptic prophecy, destined to pop off   And pop with an apostrophe.   And what it’s costing me is obvious."}
{"Title": "Making America Great Again!", "Artist": "David Cross", "Intro": "In the special, Cross takes aim at Donald Trump, religious taboos, and American swagger.", "context": "  David Cross: Making America Great Again! is a stand-up comedy special by American comedian and actor David Cross. It was filmed live at the Paramount Theatre in Austin, Texas on June 11, 2016, and premiered on Netflix on August 5, 2016. In the special, Cross takes aim at Donald Trump, religious taboos, and American swagger.", "Text": "Ask me a question. Do you have a dog? Oh, I had to have him removed years ago. It was benign, but it still didn’t prevent it from being adopted. And now it’s in a loving, caring home. How’re you liking Austin? This is where the toaster was invented. That’s a good contribution, right? Where do you get your glasses? Uh… a guy named Klaus Nomi. What subjects will you be talking about tonight? I will be doing a chunk of time on next year’s CMAs. Swiss muesli, what’s all that about? How did they get their own weird… And chain wallets, inner-lip tattoos, chlorinated vaginas. How do you maintain your facial hair? Fuck you, dude! That’s fucking rude! That’s so cool. There will be some nudity. So you should know that. Quite a lot of nudity. Some mildly tasteful, some outrageously offensive. Personally, I find the human body a thing of beauty. Um… depending on breast size, I suppose. Uh… and less so for women. How are you? I… I get these a lot. They get sent to my Facebook page. So, in no particular order, uh… What Beatle am I? Ringo. Friends, I’m Ross. Uh… what apostle? I’m Luke.  Shut up Now listen to David Cross   There’s so much you could learn But you don’t want to know   And now I got some good news for you   It’s about time for the show  Uh, what percent milk? I’m 2% milk. What Jonestown massacre victim am I? Yenetta McCree. What’s the meaning of life? I don’t know. God, I don’t know!  Yes, it’s time for the show   So go get in your seats now   Are you ready to laugh again?   Like it was 2010   It’s time to hear from the messenger   Let’s hear some jokes About America, guns and TV   Turn off your goddamn cell phones now   Or you’ll get punched in the dick  Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome David Cross! Austin, Texas! Rootin’ tootin’, shootin’, scoot bootin’, flutin’. God bless us. All right. Hello. All right, so I got a lot of show. I want to jump into it, but first, I’m gonna tell you a little anecdote of… so many of the things that have occurred on this long tour I’ve done all across this great land of ours. One of the best things I’ve seen so far… I was in Santa Rosa, California. No. Absolutely not. Absolutely… I don’t… There’s two of you. There’s a dude up there and a woman here. When was the last time you were in Santa Rosa? It’s been a while. It’s been a while. Yeah, yeah. It’s… Trust me, I don’t know what’s so great about Santa… I mean, if you… do you collect dirt and boarded-up windows? Then… then, yes, it’s great. So you might know of this place. There is a tattoo parlor there called Tattoos, and, you know, written in this beautiful, golden calligraphy on the front door, big, beautiful letters, “home of the Get What You Get tattoo.” “The Get What You Get tattoo.” I can’t think of a worse slogan for a tattoo parlor. And, I mean, how does that work? “Hi, yes… I’m a little nervous. I’ve never gotten a tattoo before. But… this is a photo of my daughter Angel. She would have been six today. I’m wonderin’ if you could tattoo her likeness, and then, above it, a ribbon that says, ‘Rest in peace.’ You know the famous painting of the cherubs looking down from heaven? Can they be holding the ribbon? Underneath, it would say, ‘Bye-bye, sweetheart. Mommy misses you very much.’ And if I could get that, and… Well, is it gonna hurt? I don’t know. Should I take a shot? Okay, just do it.” You know, and then… and then cut to three hours later. “All right, all done. Take a look.” “Oh, my God! What is this? This isn’t what I asked for. This is a naked female devil with big tits that’s spreading her legs and flipping the bird. It says, ‘Yo, nigga, where my paper be at?’ What? That’s not what I asked for at all.” “Hey, you get what you get. That’s why I put it on the door, lady. Sign’s on the door. Free to walk in. Don’t tell me you didn’t see it, all right? I’m an artist. Okay? I wasn’t feeling your dead kid thing. It was bumming me out, to be honest.” And they… This is for real. After I did that set, the tattoo parlor found out that I had talked about them. I mentioned it in the set that night. No idea what the context was. And they got in touch with me on my Facebook page, and they’re like, “Heard you mentioned the shop. I don’t know if you’re in town, but if you wanna come and get a Get-What-You-Get tattoo, we’ll waive the $40 fee.” Like, “No! Thank you. I don’t roll the dice on a tattoo. All right? If I get a burrito at a food truck, sure, but not a… not a tattoo.” “All right, let’s see what we got! I hope it’s a good one! Ah, fuck! An Iron Cross. God damn it! That’s… not what I wanted at all.” The thing is, there is a tattoo I want to get. There’s a specific tattoo I want to get, and… I have a couple tattoos. The first tattoo I ever got is on my stomach, and it says, “Do not see Memento.” But there is a tattoo I’ve been meaning to get for years, and I keep pussying out. And I do want to get it eventually, but I want to get a tattoo of Muhammad. You know, not just Muhammad. That’d be inflammatory. You know, I… I would put him… on the back of a milk carton, right? And then it would say, “Have you seen me?” See? So, it’s a clever way to do it. I would do that, but you just don’t want to be in the position where, as the blade was cutting into the jugular, and going, “But you see the irony? Because you wouldn’t…” All right, yeah. True. It’s not gonna work. So I was… I was home fairly recently, back in Atlanta, where I’m from, for Thanksgiving… which is our big family holiday that’s… I don’t know why and when it became our big holiday, but it did over the years. I guess we’re not a religious family. Well, I’m not, I’m an atheist, but my… That’s pretty weak, guys. Yeah, even weaker. That’s even sadder. Yeah. Okay, the seven of us will meet afterwards and talk about stuff. That’d be the worst rally in history. No, but yeah, I’m an atheist. I don’t care what anybody else is. I truly don’t, but… the rest of my family are… Just… they’re… They’re Jews. They’re Jews. They’re dirty Jews. And… they just sit in my sister’s condo, and just manipulate the world’s banks and media in their underground bunker at the condo and… It’s hard maintaining that stereotype. It takes work. So anyway, but yeah, Thanksgiving is our… That’s the one where it’s mandated we all gotta come together and hang out. I guess, you know, we do… As a family, we like to observe and celebrate what’s considered the first day of the near genocide of an entire race of peoples. It’s… it’s important to us as Holocaust survivors, you know… to be able to gather for a big feast and go, “Hey, look who we’re doing better than. All right, okay. Pass the potatoes. Yeah. It was touch and go there for a minute, a little iffy. But we pulled through. We persevered.” But… here’s the thing, my family, like I imagine a lot of people in this room, is fairly dysfunctional. We do not get along that great, and there are dysfunctional elements within it that take the human form, is probably the politest way I can put that, and we… There’s always drama. There always is. There’s always arguments. And it happened again this year, and… And, when you’re arguing with your family, it’s never about the thing you’re arguing about. That has nothing to do with the situation. You’re just using that argument as a way to facilitate the tiniest little release on the pressure that’s built up, 50-plus years of anger and bitter recriminations and severe disappointment, and petty jealousies, and that’s what it is. And so… we got in this really bad argument. It’s the whole point of this story, and… My mom… It was… It was about the dumbest thing. It was the most inane, innocuous… The argument wasn’t… It wasn’t the best way to set up the Roku. Yeah. Yep. It was the best way to find out how to set up the Roku. That’s what the fucking argument was. That’s how it started. It was nothing. And then it so quickly got out of hand. It was crazy. And it was so quickly not about that, and my mom and I were arguing. We’re a very demonstrative, argumentative, loud family. We cuss and everything. And my mom and I start getting into it… And there’s other people, too. It’s not just my family. There’s other guests there. It’s super awkward. And my mom and I are going at it. We are arguing, back and forth, pointing. It’s getting heated. When you are arguing like that, especially with a family member, and there’s no editor. There’s no filter. You’re saying stuff back and forth. It’s all emotional. And occasionally, in those moments, you will learn something about the other person that you never knew before. And when you find that thing out, it changes the dynamic in your relationship forever. That’s what happened. My mom and I are going at it. It’s getting heated. Yelling, screaming… It’s loud and it’s really awkward. And in the middle of this, we find out that my mom… cannot take a punch. Yeah. True story. True story. But this is, uh… When I was back in Atlanta, at the airport… And this is totally for real. When I was there, I saw that they have a luggage store, a Tumi, T-U-M-I, luggage store inside the airport. It’s… it’s inside… the airport. I mean, ostensibly, the last place you would ever need to purchase luggage, you know? It’d make a bit more sense if it was by the curbside check-in or maybe by the ticket counter or maybe by the security gate there, you know, on the off chance that there are enough people to support a business who are waking up late, going, “Oh, no, I overslept and I gotta get to the airport. Better not take two minutes to throw all this in a suitcase. I’ll just gather it in my hands, and get my lotions, Claritin, nasal spray and gluten-free nuts, and Us Weeklys, and iPod, and belt, inflatable neck pillow and… Taxi! Going to the airport! Yeah, okay, hi. All right. Just throw all that on. Sorry. Run it through. I dropped some of that stuff. I think… Sorry, that’s my belt. What? ‘Cause I’m gonna get a suitcase on the inside. Yeah, all good. Yeah. ‘Cause they sell them on the inside, asshole. What the fuck is with this guy? Fucking attitude.” No, you don’t get to do that. You’re not allowed to do that. You know… So, I guess that there are… enough people who are, you know, checked in, and they’re heading to their gate, and they’re like… “What? What? Oh, my God. That is the most amazing suitcase I’ve ever seen in my life. I’ve got to have that right now. I’ve gotta… Just go on without me! I… Sir, yes, I wanna get that suitcase there, the… No, not the carry-on. I can get that anywhere. The large suitcase. Yes… um… How’s this gonna work? ‘Cause I’m already… I’m checked in, and… So I guess I’ll buy it and then I’ll go back out, and I’ll ask them to hold the plane, pull my luggage, and I could change it… No, I have to buy another ticket and I’ll meet those guys… No, this isn’t gonna work. Come on. There is a way. I know I can figure it out. Come on, David. Think. Oh, I know what! I’m going to be back here in two weeks on my way home. So, let me pay for it now. Here’s my card. There’s probably a 300% markup, and there’s at least half a dozen places to get a suitcase within a mile of my apartment, but this way, I’ll get it, and then I’ll have it, and then… Oh, my God. Yeah, all right. Yeah. Good. Good stuff.” All right. And now, here’s a question. Um… You know all those vape stores and vape lounges? What do you think they’re gonna be when they go out of business next year? Hmm… Hoverboard shops? Probably Hoverboard shops. Those will last, yeah. And I really don’t get the appeal of that e-tobacco shit, ’cause I smoked for years and years and I don’t ever recall going… “Yeah, that’s okay. But… I wish it tasted like a Cinnabon. Oh, well. I guess, until technology catches up with my desires… I’ll just have to keep dipping it in Air Wick and… rolling it in Pillsbury frosting to… get my vape on.” So, here’s a little New York anecdote for you. I was actually out, working on this material for this set, and I was hitting a bunch of clubs. And I was coming out of this club in the East Village in New York, and I was gonna head to the subway, go home, and, right as I exit… right as I open the door and come out on the street, a guy goes barreling past me. He’s going, “Motherfucking piece of shit, fucking cocksucker, motherfucking cunt, fucking bitch, piece of shit,” which is not an uncommon thing in New York. But what was interesting was, right away, I could see that, visually, he wasn’t the typical homeless guy or mentally-ill homeless guy you attribute that behavior to. I mean, he looked… He was dressed nicely, I guess, is what I’m saying. Which I know is relative, ’cause, you know, I think I’m doing pretty good right now, but… But he was in a suit is what I’m saying. He was in a suit and he had electronics, and he looked like a businessman guy, and he was definitely not on the phone. We’re walking in the same direction. And, you know, he’s a white guy. “Motherfuckin’ piece of shit, cocksuckin’ son of a bitch. Fuck it, yeah. Okay. Hi, Hitler! Hi, Hitler!” And… I was like… “Did he say, ‘Hi, Hitler’?” And… he crossed the street, so… I crossed the street to follow him. “Motherfuckin’, cocksuckin’ son of a bitch, fuckin’ cunt, fuckin’ stupid bitch, yeah. Okay. Hi, Hitler! Hi, Hitler!” And he is, in fact, saying, “Hi, Hitler.” That is what he was saying. Which means one of two things. Either… He was… He clearly had this upsetting experience and he’s venting, and, in the middle of venting, he sees Hitler down the street… so he stops to say hi… be a nice neighbor. Either that, or… this grown man… has lived his entire life… thinking the phrase is “Hi, Hitler.” That the German people… who speak fluent German, FYI, they… Yeah. The German people chose one word of English to use… and that word was a salutation. And that, with all the available archival news reels, and film footage, and fictionalized versions of Hitler’s life, and all the footage of him giving speeches to the hundreds of thousands of people, the citizens and the soldiers, the Luftwaffe, the SS, that in the greatest example of the collective unconscious ever recorded, that all these people would… simultaneously… without consulting one another… suddenly say, “Hi, Hitler!” “Hi, Hitler! It’s me, Joseph, from Hamburg. We met at the patisserie. I don’t… Sorry, guys, I’m trying to say hi. Hi… What? Everybody’s doing it. What is happening? Can you guys give me… Hi, Hitler… What is happening with you people? I’m just… Hi… What is happening?” I’ll take it. So, I was jerking off this morning… Oh. Usually gets a standing ovation, but all right. Whatever. It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. To the Statue of Liberty. And… Because I love America. Oh, I love America, y’all. Whenever I see the Statue of Liberty or think of the Statue of Liberty, I immediately get a hard-on, and I got to rub one out… as a way to show my patriotism… or patriot-jism. – No. No. No. No. Absolutely not. That does not leave this room. We’re gonna cut it out of the special. Never happened. Never occurred. I will fucking deny it. You never… No, but I was thinking about the poem on the base of the Statue of Liberty, which reads, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse from your teeming shores. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me: I lift my lamp beside the golden door.” And you know what I was thinking? What a beautiful, optimistic… humane ideal to have. And… one that’s quite literally the opposite of what Republicans believe. Literally… the opposite of what their candidate’s platform is. And I can’t… How… What is the cognitive dissonance for those people? I mean, how did the two things… You know, the Statue of Liberty is easily the most iconic symbol of freedom in the entire world, and it’s exactly the opposite of what they… Their heads must explode. I don’t know how they deal with it. And, you know, it’s gonna be awkward for whoever the Republican candidate is. Trump, please. Please. Please. Please. Because, you know… they’re gonna have to take that photo op in front of the poem, and it’s gonna be awkward for them, and… I do have some empathy for them. And I know it’s a little unfair to have empathy for a person who, that’s literally the one trait they lack. And… Because, well… But that’s what’s… Let’s be honest. That’s what makes America weak, is empathy. When we care about those less fortunate than ourselves, that’s what’s bringing us down. It’s that kind of… altruistic attitude that weakens us as a nation. Sure. Sure. Ask Ayn Rand. She’ll tell you. Ask Ayn Rand. I believe you can still find her ghost haunting the same public housing she died in while on Social Security and Medicare. Public housing, on Social Security and Medicare. Oh! That is what we call in the business, a real hypocritical cunt. That’s what we call it. That’s what that is. But regardless… it is going to be awkward for them to do that photo op in front of the poem, and… You know what it is? You know what? I bet they don’t even know about the poem, you know… ’cause it’s a poem… and poems are for fags. What? That liberal arts, feminist women’s studies… No, thank you. But it’s gonna be weird. They’re gonna find out on the way there. “What? No kidding. I had no idea. Where is it? Over here? Is it a limerick? Oh, I love limericks. Right. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Oh, look at that. Huh? Wait, what? ‘Wretched refuse’? What? Nobody likes wretched refuse. Is this a joke? Who put this here? Was it Carter? It was probably Carter, right? Yeah. All right. Yeah. Go build another house for a homeless family, loser. Give me the etching acid and we’ll get this back up to speed. Know what? This is gonna take too long. Just add ‘non-brown’ in parenthesis before everything. That’ll get us back up to speed on where we are in 2016. Yeah.” These are exciting times. They’re exciting times. And, you know, it’s so interesting to me how faux mystified everybody is at Donald Trump‘s rise, his ascension. And it’s no mystery to me. This is no mystery at all, you know. I mean, at least 25% of this country has always been ignorant, racist xenophobes who are easily appealed to on an emotional level. That’s it. That’s always been the case. That’s it. They didn’t just pop up once Obama was elected. All this bullshit American exceptionalism just didn’t turn sour like Siggi’s. And it’s great to watch, entertaining, too, to watch the Republican Party and the right-wing media try to retroactively undo what they have been creating for the last 35 years. You know, but it’s too late. It’s too late. That’s America’s id. It’s out of the bottle. They’re trying to tamp it back in, like, “Get that thing… ” But it’s out there and it’s fucking rampaging all over America. And, you know, you can’t spend every single day for seven and a half fucking years telling these people that your president is a Communist Muslim from Kenya who hates America and wants to destroy it, and not expect this result. What the fuck? Of course people are pissed off. Yeah. And everybody’s like, “What’s his appeal? I don’t get it.” Well, look, I… The reason I think so many people like to go to Donald Trump gatherings is because it allows them the opportunity to finally go to a white-power rally without all the guilt, you know? And you can say what you want about Donald Trump. Personally, I think he’s Klan-tastic. I really do. And… “‘Cause he’s just tellin’ it like it is. That’s what I love about Donald Trump, son. He’s a man who’s up there tellin’ it like it is, okay? All right? He… All that stuff we supposed to say behind closed doors, he’s sayin’ it out loud. Now we can, too! Yeah. He ain’t gonna put up with this PC nonsense, okay? He’s gonna stand up to them PC bullies, all right? ‘Cause this PC, it’s gotten out of control. It is really crazy. I can’t say certain things without hurtin’ somebody’s feelings, okay? And have my First Amendment rights trampled all over, okay? This PC nonsense has gotten out of hand. It’s crazy that, in the year 2016, I can’t call a thug a nigger without being called a racist. What? What happened? Come on. And those people callin’ me racist are hateful and intolerant. They’re intolerant of my intolerance and that makes them the hypocrites. Yeah. He’s tellin’ it like it is ’cause he wants to take us back, he wants to make America great again. Take us back, Donald. Back to when America was great. Back before a black man could become president. Even further, back to when it was great before the Civil Rights Act. That’s when everything went off the rails. Look what happens now. You got Beyoncé puttin’ a beret on her vagina, marchin’ up and down the Super Bowl, the holiest day of the American year. Good Lord! Yeah. He’s just like me. That’s what I love about Donald Trump. He’s just like me. Born and raised in New York City. Inherited $200 million the day I was born. Yep, he’s just like me in every way possible except in any way possible. Yep.” And, here’s the thing, Donald Trump… Donald Trump said that he loves the poorly educated because he appeals to the poorly educated. His words, not mine. Although, they’re mine also. They are mine as well. But… of course he does. Who else… How else can an ostentatious billionaire who fucking writes his name in gold over everything he owns, who brags constantly about how much money he has… He has billions of dollars. Who else could get people who are struggling financially to give him money happily? That is fucking genius. That’s… That is a genius we haven’t seen in a long time. And they’re happy to do it. They love it. Here’s the thing, he’s playing these people for suckers. He doesn’t give a shit about them. He is openly contemptuous of these people. He would walk over them in front of Trump Plaza. They’re not getting within five miles of Mar-a-Iago or any of his golf courses, unless they’re bringing the dessert cart. They’re not… I mean, can you imagine the size of the Purell bottle on his private jet that he fucking wallows in after meeting people? He doesn’t like those people. He’s about himself. He’s about his brand. When you listen to his words… ‘Cause he has nothing of substance. You go to his policy page. I’ve been on it. It’s fantasy. It’s garbage. It’ll never work. There’s nothing there. It’s impractical. It’ll never happen. It’s fantasy. Donald Trump, if you listen to his words, sounds like a character in a war movie who is comforting his buddy who… doesn’t understand that the bottom half of him has been exploded off, and he’s only got seconds to die. He’s like, “Everything’s gonna be all right?” “It’s gonna be great, phenomenal. You’re gonna love it. It’s gonna be fantastic. Oh, my God. It’s gonna get… “ “And we’re gonna win, right?” “So hard, it’s gonna make their head spin. Believe me. I know a guy who can make it work. You got nothing to worry about. Just trust me on this.” “And we’ll keep the Mexicans out, right?” “Yeah. I’m gonna build a wall. It’s gonna be 30-feet high, a huge wall. You’re gonna love it. Just for you. Don’t worry how. Nobody builds walls like me. I mean, I’m the best wall-builder.” And here’s the thing, you know the guy who is dying in Donald’s arms? That’s the American intellect. But! But, but, maybe it’s not Donald J. Trump. Maybe it’s Ted Cruz. One of your boys, huh? Yeah, he’s one of your guys. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Ted Cruz is a whole other kettle of shitty fish. Ted Cruz is a man who thinks that God only made one mistake, and that is when he created the clitoris. “What… What’s it there for? Makes no sense. I don’t get it. That thing’s just causing me nothing but trouble. Don’t want it.” This is what I imagine has happened behind Ted Cruz’s back, almost on a weekly basis, starting from the age of five up until maybe last week, is this conversation, “Oh, no.” “What’s wrong, buddy?” “Man, Ted Cruz found out about the party.” “Oh, fuck! No! That guy? Ugh! What do we do? Do we cancel? I think we gotta cancel. Nobody wants that smug asshole around. Yeah.” No. But I… I was jerking off this morning… to the latest gun deaths. ‘Cause I love America. I already said it, I love America. And whenever I read about yet another random, senseless, yet completely avoidable gun death, you know, it gets me hard. ‘Cause I’m a patriot, you know. Is there anything more American than standing firm and resolute in the face of rational thought? I think not. That is American exceptionalism. We do it better than any country. And let me preface… let me preface this next chunk by qualifying what I’m about to say, and that is that I’m pro-gun-control. I’m pro-sensible-safety-measures, okay? I’m not one of these I-wanna-take-all-your-guns-away people. You know why? Because those people don’t exist. Nobody’s fucking saying that. Nobody is saying that. That’s a specious, red herring, bullshit argument the NRA props up. No! Fuck. You wanna hunt? Go hunt. Great. You wanna take your handguns down to the gun range and shoot pretend paper Muslims? Knock yourselves out. That’s great. I don’t give a shit. Good on you. That’s great. I’ve shot guns before, a bunch of times. It’s fucking fun. It’s a fun feeling. I do like it. It’s fun. I’m just talking about sensible… what, to me, are just obvious measures. Like an ID, your thumbprint ID unlocks your gun. That’s a safety measure. The same kind of safety measure we use to unlock our fucking cell phones, maybe we can apply to an instrument of death. How does that impinge on your Second Amendment rights? It doesn’t. Shut the fuck up. It does not. Seriously, why can’t we have that? ‘Cause if we did, maybe we wouldn’t have to read about yet another 12-year-old boy who accidentally shot his eight-year-old son. Come on, Texas, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You know what I’m talking about. Seriously, things that make sense to me, like trying, at least, to close the gun show loophole. You shouldn’t be able to buy a modded-out assault rifle from the trunk of a car from behind a Denny’s from a guy who got it off Craigslist from a guy who walked into Walmart and got it. That doesn’t make any sense. You shouldn’t… We should just make it a little bit more difficult for people with known violent tendencies to be able to get a gun. And I’m not talking about the cops. No. Not talking about the cops. I’m… I’m saying, let’s make it a little bit more difficult for mentally unstable people with known violent tendencies to be able to get a… And again, I’m not talking about the cops. If you can go on their Facebook page and see that this guy is a virulent racist, right? Make it a little more difficult for virulent racists, who are mentally unstable with known violent tendencies, to be able to get… And again, I’m not talking about the cops. Or am I? Hmm. No. I think we can all agree that blue lives murder. – Now… Not all of them, not most of them, but a bunch of ’em murder. They’re murdering us. Well, not us. We’re white, but… You know who doesn’t like that bit? Cops. They don’t like it. They don’t like it. And I think it’s important… I’m being sincere. I think it’s important that we acknowledge, all of us, that there are plenty of good, decent, ethical, very brave cops, who put their lives on the line every day, and they don’t appreciate… Sure. And though… They don’t appreciate being painted with this broad brush as being violent predators just because of the actions of a minority of their brothers. They don’t like being stereotyped so that when you see blue, you just think, “Oh, violent thug.” They don’t appreciate it. I think I made my point. And after every mass shooting… There was another one today in Ohio. Eight people. Same thing always happens. Always. News media will trot out the victims’ relatives on TV, and whoever it is, the mother, the father, the grieving son or daughter, husband and wife, sister, brother, whoever, same thing always happens. They start crying, and they all say the same thing “How many more innocent people have to be shot to death before we do something in this country?” And, you know, it’s a valid question, and it deserves an answer. So, I crunched the numbers… and it turns out… 1,776 more people have to die before we do something about it. But there’s a caveat. It’s not cumulative. Has to be all at once. Has to be all at once. This is America. Go big or go home, right? That’s how we do. All right? Yeah. What, Sandy Hook? Twenty kids and six teachers? Didn’t do anything. Fuck that. Had the reverse effect. No, no, no, it’s gotta be big, big, big. And if you’re like-minded, you wanna see gun safety enacted, then what I suggest is we hire somebody to shoot 1,776 people, but we justify it the same way we justified dropping an atomic bomb on Hiroshima and then, three days later, dropping another one on Nagasaki. Yes, we killed 130,000 innocent people. Civilians, not soldiers, yes. But we did it for the greater good, ’cause by doing that, perhaps we got the war to end sooner. And maybe we saved 200,000 lives, half a million lives, a million lives. See? It was for the greater good. So that’s what I’m saying. We pay somebody to go to the next big event. Uh… Kentucky Derby? Kentucky Derby. Let’s say Kentucky Derby. No great loss, really. Maybe some cool hats, but outside of that… We pay somebody to go in Bane-style and take them all. Preferably a white guy. It’s gotta be or it’s gonna set the whole cause back, like, 40 years. And here’s the thing. If we didn’t do anything as a country after Sandy Hook… Twenty kids and six teachers? Had the reverse effect. Donations to the NRA tripled. Gun sales tripled after that. Then we’re fucked. We are fucked, all right? And after Sandy Hook, Wayne LaPierre, the Executive Vice President of the NRA, went on television and had a press conference, and he said the solution was to arm the teachers. That’s what he… Well, see, I get that a lot. You’re thinking emotionally. You’re not thinking intellectually. ‘Cause if you think intellectually, it makes more sense when you think about the temperament and the personality that makes up the kind of person who willfully takes the most thankless job in America for very little money, where the sole satisfaction is to create a good, decent, creative, inquisitive, ethical, moral person and put him out in the world, and potentially shoot them later. Because… that’s what teachers love to do. There are two things teachers love. They love to teach and they love to shoot. Oh, they love shooting. Oh, don’t let them fool you. They love shooting. “All right, class, so when we last left off, we were talking about homonyms, and a homonym, and… Forgive me, this isn’t my normal writing hand. But… All right. A homonym is a word that sounds the same, but it’s spelled differently… Cody? Cody, open up your mouth. Is that gum in your mouth? Is it? Mmm, it is, isn’t it? Yeah. And did you bring enough for the entire class? Did you bring enough for the entire class? Now, get up here! Get up here! Get up here! That’s right. I want that gum, Cody. Uh-uh. No, no. Don’t spit it out in your hand. I want you to put it on the barrel of the gun… with your mouth. Use your mouth. And then I want… Aw. shit. All right. Go to the principal’s office and have him call your mom, bring you a change of pants.All right. Ah, best teacher’s aide ever.” No, that doesn’t make any sense. “Arm the teachers.” That’s not gonna do anything. There were armed guards at Columbine. No, you wanna ensure safety and security, you have to arm the students, all right? Every student gets a gun. Every student gets a gun in my America. I know what you’re thinking. “David, at Sandy Hook, they were first graders. They were five, six years old. They can’t handle a Bushmaster. The recoil will take their arm off.” Right. That’s why we give them those Smith & Wesson lady guns. Those little fun guns for ladies. Maybe they wing the shooter, buy some time. That’s when the second and third graders are the ones who come and go, “Freeze, motherfuck… “ You know, that’s how… that’s how it’ll work. Yeah. And, you know, currently… there are only 282 Congressmen and 33 governors and, of course, some state legislators who are beholden to the NRA. You know, they’re venal, craven people and they won’t even allow a bill to come to the floor. They knock it down each time. That’s not a lot of people for a country of over 320 million people. They won’t even allow the bill to come to the floor for a vote. No. No. No. NRA says, “No, not gonna happen.” I wonder what would happen if… Say whoever the NRA’s highest-rated Congressman was… You know, 100% rating, five golden smiley bullets, whatever the fuck it is… What would happen if they were at work, and it was Take Your Daughter to Work Day, and some crazy motherfucker came in, Kevlar vest, armed to the teeth, modded-out AK-47, Bushmasters, Glocks, magazines that had steel-jacketed, hollow-point, armor-piercing bullets, came in, all stuff he got off of the Internet three days ago, and came in, took out security, got on the floor, took out nine, ten, 11, 12 people before he was shot to death, and one of them… was the Congressman’s daughter? And I wonder what would happen or what he would think as he’s sitting there, cradling his dying daughter in his hands and her body is riddled with bullets, her spine is pierced, and her… She’s drowning in her own fluid ’cause her lung is pierced, and he could see all the bullet holes and the deep, dark, sticky blood that’s pulsing out. It’s spurting up, but it’s getting weaker and weaker with each breath. And this beautiful girl… well, beautiful on the inside, I guess, but beautiful girl… is looking up and she’s trying to say, “Daddy, what happened? What happened?” But she can’t ’cause her larynx is sliced, so all that’s coming out is a wet gurgle-y wheeze, and he can literally see the light leaving her eyes as she dies in his arms. And I wonder if he would think, “Oh, God. Small price to pay. Freedom isn’t free, honey. Freedom isn’t free. Put the body on the pile, and get that pile out of here. It’s making us look really bad right now. Wait, who’s on the phone? Oh, Jesus. Yes, hello. Hello, Mr. LaPierre. Yeah… No. No, sir. No, it will not happen again. She was my only child. Okay. You know where to wire the money. Okay, thank you.” Maybe. Maybe he might think that. Or… maybe he might think, “Oh, wow! Now that this tragedy has affected me personally, I can see how awful and wrong it was.” I don’t know. One of the two. One of the two things… Tough to tell. Tough to tell. Who knows? And another thing people often say is, “You know, why do we… In this country, why do we allow so many of our innocent kids to be shot to death? Why do we allow that as a country?” Why do… Well, not “us.” God. “Why does God… ” We have no control over the situation. It’s in God’s hands. “Why does God… allow so many of our innocent kids to be shot to death and… You know, they’d… I mean… I know he has mysterious ways, y’all, but how do… What is he thinking? What are you thinking, God? Taking all… And I’m not questioning you ’cause I know you have your mysterious ways and you’re omnipotent and all-wise, but it seems like you’re taking an awful lot of our children. What is the thinking behind it? I just… “ It… it is… That’s something that a lot of people ask. Why is God… allowing so many of our innocent kids to be shot to death? And… I have a possible answer… and you’re not going to like it. But maybe… Maybe God is allowing so many of our kids to be shot to death so that they can go to heaven where they then service the ISIS terrorists and suicide bombers as part of the 72 virgins they’re rewarded with. It’s a possibility. I’m an atheist. I don’t believe in any of that stuff, but I’m sure there’s some Muslims here, some Christians. Y’all argue amongst yourselves. Figure it out. I mean, keep arguing amongst yourselves, for another 1,400 years or so. You’ll be able to get it, I’m sure. Soon. Any minute now. For those of you still here… It’s… This happens… I’ve been doing this a lot. This is the, I don’t know, 65th show? I have no idea. And people get upset and leave every single show and… I don’t know… I think what happens is… It’s so weird to me, you know, that in… in 2016, at this point, I have, literally, eight-plus hours of my stand-up – available to peruse, check out… Maybe see if we’re on the same page about what subject matters I might broach. Seriously. I think there are a lot of people like, “Oh, hey, Tobias is in town. I didn’t know he told jokes. What’s he gonna do? Just fucking dress up in blue and fall down on the stage? Say some spoonerisms, some malaprops for an hour?” “I didn’t come down there to listen to my God being made fun of. Okay. And my God is a frail God, and is very thin-skinned and sensitive. I feel like I have to defend him. Some atheist Jew up there talking about… I’m sorry, you can’t be an atheist. If you a Jew, you a Jew, okay? Making fun of my God.” And look, let me say that I know that religion can do wonderful things, is responsible for wonderful, magnanimous, charitable deeds, can lift people from the gutter, from these horrible lives, and give them purpose and meaning. I know that. I see it all around me. But I also know, unarguably, that religion is responsible for awful, heinous, vile, vicious, murderous things, as well. I know that. And I know that hundreds of millions of people have died over the years because the selective interpretations of the fever dream of scientifically-ignorant illiterates who were told by their god, lord, messiah or prophet to go kill this guy ’cause he has a different god, lord, messiah, prophet or saw “a sign” from God because a pigeon landed on a fucking pig’s carcass, and he was like, “What does that mean? What? Pigeon, what are you trying to tell me? I should kill the Jews? Kill all the Jews? Or is it the Muslims? They both… Which is it? Pigeon, don’t fly away. There’s millions of lives at stake. Pigeon! Who do I kill? Kill them all. Let God sort them out. Got it, got it. Understood.” But, you know, as an atheist, I would love to see peace on Earth, world peace, via religions. I’d love to see the religions of the world come together and do the thing that they purport to truly want to do. We keep hearing about it all the time, right around Christmas, Ramadan, Hanukkah… “Oh, they want world peace.” Well, make it happen. Jesus. And… Here is an idea. I’ve had an idea for how to maybe make it happen. What we do is we get all the world’s religious leaders all together, right? We get the pope and all of his archbishops, and the people who in-fight in the Catholic Church, get the Roman Orthodox and the Greek Orthodox and the Church of England, and get them together with the rebbes and rabbis from the different sects in Judaism or ultra-Orthodox Judaism and the Haredi, and get them with the Muslim clerics and the imams the Sunni, the Shī’a and the Wahhabis, and get them with Methodist ministers and Baptist preachers, and get them all together for this, like, Davos, G7-style summit, right? Put ’em all in the same room and they can’t leave for five days. They all have to be together, right? And it… You know, we’ll make it fun. We’ll screen The Revenant at eight o’clock. Whatever, it’ll be great. But… they have to sit there. For five days, they can’t leave, and all be with each other, and then maybe they can start to see each other… as human beings and, maybe instead of focusing on their differences, they can focus on what makes them the same. Their shared values… raping children. And then maybe they’ll come together and they’ll see each other as brothers, kindred spirits, and offer tips on how to best rape children, cover up the crimes and then shame the victims. And then… Maybe then we’ll have peace on Earth. Yeah, all right. Great. Great. Fantastic. But maybe we’ll have a little bit less of that kind of behavior in the Catholic Church… now that we got a cool pope, right? We got a cool pope. The pope is cool. Yeah! He’s a cool pope! He tweets. The pope has a Twitter account. He’s a cool pope. I can’t turn on the news without hearing about how cool this pope is. Rolling Stone magazine, “The coolest pope of all time.” Yeah, he’s a cool pope. He’s totally cool. He’s still… He’s a badass. He’s a real badass, cool guy. He’s a cool pope.  Cool pope Cool pope!  He’s a cool pope. He’s a cool pope. Well, let me remind you, uh… Let me just remind you that the bar for being a cool pope… could not be lower… if it were lying at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. Keep that in mind, madam. Yeah. All you have to do to be a cool pope is just be a little bit less of an unrepentant, sexist, homophobe hypocrite. That’s all. Little bit less. Um… I’m sorry. I have really digressed here. Seriously. I apologize. I was talking about gun control. Yes. I want to get back to that idea of that kind of staunch obstinance I referred to earlier. The… It’s a very American thing. I’m not just talking about the Second Amendment. It’s anything, and I think it’s something that we all share. I’m not being facetious here. I’m being serious. Especially as I travel abroad. And I think it’s that thing that we all share that personality. It’s woven into the fabric of this country and has been since its inception. And it’s that feeling… What it means to be American at its core, which is the idea, when it comes to government, of “Leave me alone.” All right? I mean, fuck it, this is Texas, for fuck’s sake. I mean, you guys are the kings of “leave me alone.” Jesus Christ, you threaten to secede when you fucking don’t get a minor bill passed. Of all the states… “We don’t want to give poor people health care. Fuck you. We’re gonna be our own country.” Yeah. “Leave me alone. Don’t tell me what to do. I don’t want the government to tell me what to do. Okay, I don’t want liberals to tell me what to do. I don’t want the Republican establishment to tell me what to do. I don’t want mass media to tell me what to do. I don’t want the banks to tell me what to do. I don’t want the IRS to tell me what to do. I don’t want the FBI to tell me what to do. I don’t want the ATF to tell me what to do. I don’t want the DEA to tell me what to do. Okay? I don’t want Washington insiders to tell me what to do. I don’t want New York elites to tell me what to do. I don’t want Hollywood to tell me what to do. I don’t want f*ggots to tell me what to do. I don’t want Hollywood f*ggots from New York to tell me what to do. I don’t want blacks to try to tell me what to do. I don’t want Jews to tell me what to do. I don’t want atheist hippies to tell me what to do. I don’t want children to tell me what to do. I don’t want the Internet to tell me what to do. I don’t want Neighborhood Watch programs to tell me what to do. I don’t want nutritional information labels to tell me what to do. I don’t want instructions on fancy Japanese urinals I can’t figure out how to operate to tell me what to do. I don’t want Area 51 guards to tell me what to do. I don’t want my hallucinations to tell me what to do. No, sir. Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm. There’s only… There’s only one group of people… There’s only one group of people… Come on now. Come on. There’s only one group of people… Come on. There’s only one group of people that can tell me what to do. Okay, only one group of people I’ll listen to. And that’s the Founding Fathers. They’s the only group. And I’m… I’m so sorry. My heart is so heavy, y’all. When I think about what we done to this country, and what the Founding Fathers would think of us, I kneel in shame. I’m so sorry, Founding Fathers. Y’all must be up in heaven, spinning in y’all’s graves. I know it. I know it. I’m so sorry. What we… They’d be so upset. They’d be so upset with us. The Founding Fathers would be so upset with us.” That is my all-time favorite inane, hypothetical, waste-of-time argument that people actually engage in. They actually… On TV, they get paid, the left and the right, have a serious debate about what the Founding Fathers would think about whatever the thing is. “I think the Founding Fathers would be furious.” “I disagree. I think they’d be proud.” I was like, “What a waste of fucking time that is.” It was 240 years ago. These people couldn’t conceive of Oregon, all right? What a monumental waste of time. Stupid thing. And even if you could bring ’em back, just for a second… First of all, they’re never gonna stay back. They’d wake up and have a massive coronary on the spot. They’d look around going, “Whoa!” And have a massive coronary. They’d die and we’d go, “Wait,” and bring ’em back. “No, wait, wait a sec.” It’d just be over and over again. It’d be like watching Battlestar Galactica on fast forward. And… even if you could bring ’em back to engage them in this… And they would freak… You know, forget about cell phones and cars and neon lights and electricity and asphalt and space flight and 3D and television. You know, fucking cotton candy would’ve blown their mind. “Hmm… Pray thee, what is this devil’s filament you’ve given me? It’s… sweet to the taste. It disappears instantly. I don’t… And there’s a color that cannot be found in nature. What is this, pray thee?” “Oh, we made it in that machine.” “What’s a machine? What’s a machine? Oh, my God!” What a… what a dumb… Dude, it’s ridiculous. I mean, think of the analogous situation to us. Let’s just imagine we all go to sleep, and we wake up and it’s 240 years later, and whatever the technological advances that have occurred in 240 years. And you wake up… You’re not even aware that you were dead. And the first thing is a bunch of people going, “Can you believe that Madam President bin Laden is talking about giving next gen synths the right to represent their moon pods in the Underwater Congress?” “What the… fuck did you just say? That… made no sense at all.” You know. All right. All right. Listen, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I want… I have a very, very special impression that I’d like to do for you. Okay? I do one every six years. Now’s the time. This is my impression of Matthew McConaughey accepting the Best Actor Oscar in the year 2042. “All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right… all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right…” All right, thank you guys so much. Thank you. I’ll see y’all. Thank you so much. Thank you, guys. “‘The world as we created it is a result of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.’ Clashing with authorities as a child and writing that the spirit of learning and creative thought was lost in strict rote and repetitive teaching, Albert Einstein went on to challenge conventional wisdom and redefine many of the sacred scientific theories developed and embraced. His great intellectual achievements and originality have made the name Einstein synonymous with genius. And that is the philosophy we embraced to imagine our new tableware collection.” “Beginning with a quest to develop the perfect plate. Now… we are not trying to claim that our new tableware collection can be compared to Einstein’s theory of relativity… but we do believe that, like the bending of light, with a change of thinking, one can reimagine almost anything… even a plate. Then again, it’s all relative. Thank you for teaching us that, Albert. Carpe diem.” “Carpe diem.” Are you… “Seize the day… with our new tableware collection. Until you’ve purchased a Restoration Hardware plate, your day is hardly seized, madam.” “Carpe diem. Gary Friedman, Chairman Emeritus, Creator and Curator.” And total tool. Restoration Hardware. All right, thanks, you guys. This was fun. Wait, let me take a… I gotta take a picture. Gotta take a picture. Bring up the lights. Thank you so much, man. Had a great time. Thank you. Sorry for being offensive."}
{"Title": "It’s Great to Be Here", "Artist": "Michelle Wolf", "Intro": "Comedian Michelle Wolf wryly riffs on nude beaches, the gross things men like and the serial killer gender gap in this three-part stand-up special.", "context": "", "Text": "Part 1: New Neighborhood [Michelle] Hi, guys, how are you? You guys, you know you have a good town. I always love being back here. We’re gonna have a good time. Um, I’ve actually been living in Barcelona, which is a very lovely place. Um, it’s a beach city. But it’s also a bit of a gay city. I think that’s why they have the lisp. Uh… “Barthelona.” [chuckles] It’s like, “We get it. You have something in your mouth.” Because it’s a beach city, and it’s a European beach city, a lot of the beaches there are clothing-optional. Which means you end up seeing a lot of penises. Um, and it’s never the best penises, you know? First of all, women never want to see a penis that they don’t want to see. Even the one we do want to see, a lot of times we’re like, “Can you put that away or, like, in something?” “Okay. In me? All right. Fine. ‘Cause…” “As long as the cap’s back on the pen, you know?” Having a penis out at the beach, it’s definitely not a young man’s game. This is an old man’s game. ‘Cause the unwritten rule is that you can have your penis out, but, like, it has to stay floppy. You know, and I imagine that’s just harder for younger guys ’cause there’s, like, boobs and, like, you know, a breeze. But these older guys are quite impressive. They’re there with their hands on their hips, “My penis will stay as soft as the sand I’m standing on.” A lot of them are bigger guys too. They’re a bit older, out-of-shape guys. They’ve got a bit of a belly. I don’t think they’ve seen their penis in a while. I think that’s kind of why they do it, you know, so they can see it reflected in your eyes. Like, “I still got it. Okay, good.” Of course, there’s women there, too, so there’s a lot of boobs out. Anytime I go to the beach, I don’t take off my swimsuit because I’m not trying to get that sunburned. And, uh… But I’ll go with my friend, and she takes off her top and… She recently… She got breast implants, so… and I hadn’t seen them yet, and they were, like, really… they look really good. So I was like, “Oh my gosh, your fake boobs look amazing.” And then she got mad at me ’cause I called them fake boobs. And I was like, “Well, they’re not real.” If your friend got breast implants, would you call them real? Okay, good. So we’re all a little transphobic. You know, if they’re fake on a woman… they’re fake on a woman. Anyway, what I… [chuckles] I know, you all feel like I got you, didn’t you? Well, I did. That’s why. What I’m talking about right now, though, is… I’m describing the regular beach. So in Barcelona, there’s a regular beach, and there’s a gay beach. If you’re one of those people like, “Why can’t the gay beach be the regular beach?” Go to the gay beach. You’ll be like, “That’s not regular.” And, of course, there’s also penises out at the gay beach, but the differences between the penises at the regular beach and the penises at the gay beach are like the difference between a dog parkand a dog show. Like, at the regular beach, they’re like, “We’re all just having a good time!” At the gay beach, they’re like, “Number five,” and he’s like, “Yes, yes.” Of course, you know when I say “gay beach” I mean male gay beach. It’s not a lesbian beach. I wanna go to a lesbian beach. I wanna go to a beach where they’re like, “Volleyball’s at 5:00. Sunscreen’s over there.” “Here’s some boots. The sand’s uneven, we’re working on it.” “We teach CPR on Mondays.” “We do have Taco Tuesdays. It does mean both things.” “You can eat, and then you can eat.” Okay, okay, so… if the regular beach is a dog park, and the gay beach is a dog show, the lesbian beach is a dog rescue. It’s like, “You’re safe here.” And also, they probably literally rescue dogs. I have developed, over the last couple years, a fascination with lesbians. Are there any lesbians here? [scattered whooping] How many gay men are here? [louder scattered whooping] It’s probably about the same number, but this is why I like lesbians. Gay men, you’re very loud. [scattered clapping] Lesbians live in the shadows. Gay men… We always know when gay men are around. You guys aren’t shy at all. Even at the parade, you guys are like above the float, dancing all around. Lesbians are just underneath, making sure stuff works. They’re like, “We’re on the right route. It’s okay, yeah.” Lesbians live in the shadows. You know, lesbians are like bees. If you don’t bother them, they won’t bother you. But also, if they all die, the world ends. [scattered clapping] And you do… Like, lesbians do… You scare me a little bit. I’m intimidated by lesbians. Uh, you’re a bit scary. Uh, I think lesbians are so scary that even AIDS was like, “Let’s stick to less terrifying things like needles and butt holes.” [chuckles] And lesbians definitely leave their mark on the world. It’s just sometimes a little more subtle. Like, lesbians wore khakis so hard that now when men wear khakis, they look like lesbians. Like, any time I see Jim Harbaugh on the sideline, I’m like, “Go get ’em, Coach Lesbian.” Like, any of you gay men who are here, were any of you, like, little gay boys? [distant whooping] Yeah. You… You know the gay boys I’m talking about. We’ve all seen the little gay boys. Like, the kids at the park that are just like, “I don’t want to play.” He’s, like, over twerking by the slide. His dad’s trying to throw the ball with him and it’s like, “Just stop it.” “It’s not going to catch, okay?” We know little gay boys exist, which means little lesbians also exist, but you never see a little lesbian because lesbians live in the shadows. I want to see a little lesbian, you know, just a little girl, like, aggressively eating a muffin. She doesn’t know why she’s doing it. She’s like, “I got to practice.” “I got to really get in there.” And I think women, we really fucked up. We befriended gay men. I don’t think that was the right choice. I think we should’ve befriended lesbians. Even now, sometimes you’ll hear about lesbians… Like, you’ll find out they’re a lesbian after they died. Like, men will be like, “Oh, I thought she was just miserable and alone.” And it’s like, “No, she lived with that lady.” “Yeah, I know, I thought they were miserable and alone together.” ‘Cause I think it’s still hard for straight men to sometimes believe that women can be happy without a man. And I think even straight women, I think even we know that that’s possible. And now we have the luxury to decide if we want to get married or not. That used to not be the case. You used to always have to get married. I’m sure there were some women that, like, during World War II, their husband went off to fight in the war, and then he died. And they were like, “Oh no.” “No, I’m too heartbroken, I can never marry again.” “This bed is big.” [chuckles] And also, for the longest time, I think straight men, they always wanted lesbians to be, like, two hot young women who would maybe, like, invite them to join. And lesbians were like, “No, that’s not who we’re gonna be.” There was always at least one lesbian in a couple who looked like she knew how to, like, build a deck. And that made sense to me. That couple made sense to me because I knew who was doing the work. Now there is the emergence of the young, hot lesbian couple, and it doesn’t make any sense to me, because I have no idea who’s doing any work. Hot women don’t have to work. I can’t figure it out. It just seems like it’s going to be two women lying in bed waiting for something to happen to them. Like, when there’s a burglar, who’s going down? And also, who’s going down? I know the answer for gay men. It’s both of you for both those things. You’re both going down on each other, and you’re both going down to the burglar to see if he wants to come up. Like, “Oh, you brought zip ties? Good. We were already playing hostage.” But my biggest… The reason I’ve been so fascinated with lesbians, I think it actually comes from a jealousy. I’m jealous of the lesbian relationship because you get to be a wife, but you also get a wife. That seems super productive. I want to be a wife, but I don’t… I don’t get a wife. I get a husband. And what’s he going to do? What’s he gonna do in this almost equal society we fought so hard for? What? Protect me? From who? He’s the guy most likely to kill me. [scattered clapping] [distant whooping] And so the fact is, you know, the reason I moved to Barcelona, as a strong independent woman, was for a boy. [chuckles] And being in love and being happy is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. Uh… I was… Before this, I was always single and I was miserable, and it made sense, and I knew why. Now I’m happy, and I’m in love, and it’s terrifying because it could go away at any point. But I actually think this is the key to a successful relationship. Never feel secure. [chuckles] No matter how long you’ve been in a relationship, always think your partner could leave. ‘Cause then you’re never too mean. Like, I treat my guy like an indoor/outdoor cat. I’m like, “You can go, but there’s good food here.” [scattered clapping] And I’ve been learning a lot of terrible things about myself in this relationship. Like, um, I… I learned that, apparently, I’m a nurturer. Like, uh, despite any of my wishes. Uh… I like to do things for him, like cook for him and do his laundry. Which is insane, because I don’t like to do my own laundry. This is everything you need to know about why women aren’t ahead. We’re just willing to do nice stuff for other people because it makes us feel good. I didn’t want this to be my life. I didn’t know cooking and doing laundry for a man would do something like bring me joy. But it does. I love to do it. I love to take care of him. It’s really lovely. I started using fabric softener because of him. I never used fabric softener before because I thought fabric softener was a scheme. I thought it was a scheme by Big Laundry to just get us to use another liquid. And so I’ve never used it before. And one day he comes up to me… And he approached me about this like anyone does who, like, wants something to keep happening, you know. He was like, “Hey, baby, I love you so much.” “Do you ever notice our clothes are a little bit crunchy?” [chuckles] And when I hear crunchy clothes, the first thing I think of is semen, right? But I know that’s not why these clothes are crunchy, ’cause I know where all the semen is going, you know? Guys, don’t be gross. In the trash can. Which is what I call my vagina. [man shouts] [scattered clapping] This is a… This is just a tiny peek into a comedian’s life. I riffed that joke on stage one night, and I liked it so much that I was like, I’d rather keep calling my vagina a trash can than not do that joke. So the clothes are crunchy and it’s not ’cause of the semen, because that’s in old trash can over here. He’s like, “Ever notice our clothes are crunchy?” I was like, “Yeah, I have noticed.” And he was like, “Maybe we could start using fabric softener.” And then I went on my whole “fabric softener is a scheme” rant, and he didn’t leave, you know, so I thought that was pretty good. And so I bought fabric softener, and I started using it. And you know what happens when you put fabric softener onto the clothes that you then put on your body? It makes them softer. It’s a perfectly-named product. I should’ve been using it this whole time. Know what I blame? I blame the marketing. They’re marketing this product wrong. You got to get rid of that gay Snuggie Bear. He’s gay, right? Him and the Pillsbury Doughboy, they’re gay. They’re… They’re just out there touching tummies. You know what fabric softener needs? Know what mascot fabric softener needs? A sturdy lesbian. Just a sturdy lesbian on the cover being like, “It works, okay?” And I’m not used to a lot of the stuff that comes with relationships. He says very romantic and sweet things to me, you know. Like, he’ll say things like, “I could just look into your eyes forever.” “You have the most beautiful eyes.” Which, to be honest, made me feel okay about my body, you know? Like, “Just my eyes? Okay.” Uh… Then I do the very girly thing that we sometimes do. I’d be like, “Well, what happens when I get old and, uh…” “Like, my…” I hopefully age terribly, you know, and… “…you know, everything starts falling apart?” He’s like, “I don’t care. I could look into your eyes forever.” “They’re so beautiful. I absolutely love staring into your eyes.” Which is like a really sweet thing to say. But then I thought of one more question I wanted to ask him. But I didn’t ask it because there’s only one right answer, and I knew if he didn’t say the right answer, I’d have to leave. The question I wanted to ask was, “Okay, so what if someone plucked out my eyes… and I just had two sockets?” “Then what would you do?” I didn’t ask that question ’cause there’s only one right answer. And the right answer is, “Walk away quietly.” [scattered clapping] ‘Cause that’s the funniest way to leave a newly blind person, is… “Are you still there?” “I feel your energy.” And it is, you know, like… Oh, I should mention, the guy I’m in a relationship with, he’s a Black man, and the only reason I’m telling you that is so you know I’m a good person. Uh… It’s really relevant for the next couple jokes. They don’t work as well if he’s not Black. Uh… There was one night I got home, and he was asleep on the couch, and the TV was on. And I don’t know what he fell asleep to, but when I came in, there was a video playing about white privilege. I was like, “This is the most passive-aggressive thing I’ve ever seen.” Like, I’m the white woman in this relationship. I’m the passive-aggressive one. How are you supposed to… How dare you try to out-white-woman me? So I did the whitest-woman thing I could think of. I called the police. And now he’s dead, so… I’m kidding, we live in Spain. They don’t do that there. They just give you an olive and make you take a nap. But, you know, it’s been really great and… Actually, not just this relationship, but everything over the past couple years, it’s really taught me we should always lead with love and kindness. No matter what. The relationship you’re in, your friends, your family, strangers, especially strangers. We should always lead with love and kindness. And of course we’re gonna argue, of course we’re gonna disagree. And hopefully those arguments never get too bad, but no matter what happens, you should always try to be the first person. Always try to be the first person to say, “Why are you yelling?” ‘Cause if you say that, you’ve won. And that’s what it’s really all about. [upbeat music playing]  If you want it   I’ve got it   If you need it   I’ve got it  Part 2: All Struggles Matter + Me Too [Michelle] Hi, guys, how are you? [laughter] I always like being here in Philadelphia. You guys, you know you have a good town. I love being back here. We’re gonna have a good time. And I think that’s good for comedy. So… [chuckles] Guys, I’m about to talk about my struggles. I thought, you know, I could use my platform, here, to talk about how I struggle and how I identify. You remember, like, 15 years ago, this commercial would come on that would be like, “Do you have the urge to move your legs at night?” “Do you get a creepy crawly feeling in your legs?” “You might have restless leg syndrome.” Well, it turns out, I have restless leg syndrome. And you know how I got diagnosed with restless leg syndrome? I listened to those symptoms, and then I go, “Yes, I have it.” There’s no cure. And it is. You get this, like, itchy kind of feeling in your legs at night. You feel like you have to move them. Which also, I mean… Even just to have this disease… Calling it a disease is a bit of a… stretch. It’s kind of like the white women of diseases. You know, where you’re like, “Is it a problem? I don’t…” Like, even to recognize that you have it, you have to have a lot of time to rest. I was just relaxing at home for hours… when my legs were like, “Move.” It’s either restless legs, or it’s, like, prediabetes. Like… It’s your body being like, “Take a lap.” [chuckles] And it’s hard. The more you talk about it, kind of like the more, like, unbelievable it actually sounds. Like, if there was a GoFundMe for restless leg syndrome and a cat who needed a wheelchair… I think that cat’s getting a wheelchair. We don’t even know if he has restless legs ’cause he doesn’t have any. And, like, this is not a great thing to complain about in the best of times, but, like, we’re not in the best of times. You know? Like, we’re just out of pandemic. People can’t find baby formula, gas is like $90 an ounce. Meanwhile, I’m like, “Sometimes at night I have to wiggle my legs because of the itchys and the scratchys.” So, I guess what I’d like to do tonight is I’d like to come out as insufferable. [chuckling] [woman cheers] [man] Yeah! I feel validated because this Black man just raised his glass to me. And weunderstand suffering. It has… It has… It has been a really hard time for white women. I mean, not literally. [chuckles] Like, a lot of people are coming out and talking about their struggles, and white women are really trying to be a part of that. It’s been kind of hard for us to do, you know? ‘Cause it’s hard to have, like, a struggle and a skin care routine. Like, things are hard. I did this joke the other night and a white lady screamed out. She goes, “You’re going the wrong way.” She’s really having a hard time. But I thought about it and I think, white women, I think I figured out what our struggle is. I think our struggle is hearing how hard it is for other people is really hard for us. Like… Like, we heard how hard it was for Black people, and we were devastated. We saw pictures of the destruction in Ukraine, and we needed a social media break. We heard about the crimes against humanity in Palestine, and we didn’t really get into that one ’cause that’s not one of the “in” crises. But in general, hearing how hard things are for other people has been really hard for us. So hard, we can barely make our own jewelry. [chuckles] And, like, we blame a lot of stuff on white men, you know, and women, you have done a lot of stuff. [chuckles] Like, don’t even get mad about it. You’ve been really terrible, but you’re really good at it. You know? Like, white men came over from Europe, annihilated a civilization, and then rebranded it as Thanksgiving. That’s, like, pretty impressive. You know, and we blame a lot of stuff on you guys, which is very funny to me because we act like we haven’t participated in it at all. And we have participated at the most fundamental of levels. We made you. [chuckles] We’re like the guy who made the atom bomb, and we’re like, “But don’t use it!” You’d think, we’ve spent all this time with white men, you would think we would have picked up some tips and tricks by now. You know. You guys have the blueprint. It’s like we haven’t learned anything. It’s like we spent our whole life with Michael Jordan and only walked away with a bad gambling habit. I think one of the reasons it’s been hard for us to get ahead is because white women, we want to… We don’t want to give up being the victim, you know? But we also want to be in charge. We want to be the head victim in charge. You know, we want to be the manager, but we also want to be able to ask for the manager. Like, “I need to speak to the manager!” “Oh no, that’s me, and I’m a bitch.” And we’re really good at being the victim, you know, we’re good at it. Like, we’re the bride of victims. No matter what’s happening to other people, we’re like, “No, no, it’s my day.” [chuckles] “And my dad’s kind of paying for the whole thing, so…” And sometimes I get a bit frustrated with white women because… By the way, this whole section is gonna be about you, white women, if you haven’t picked that up yet. So if you’re starting, you know, starting to take offense, don’t worry, just cross your arms. “This is not what I came here for.” Sometimes I feel like we’re waiting for things to be nice for us, you know? Because I’ve said it before, you know. White women, we are oppressed. Sexism definitely exists, you know. But white men, you guys were smart. You kept us comfortable. It was a very air-conditioned oppression. Like, you know, again, I don’t want to downplay what happens to women. You know. Like, obviously sexism exists. A lot of women get murdered and assaulted, um, by like, you know… Okay. So I looked up the statistics for this. Um… For the joke, not because I cared. [chuckles] But, of the women who get murdered, 91% of them get murdered by someone they know. 62% of that is by their husband. So not are we getting murdered, we’re getting murdered by the people who we love the most. You know, and then I heard about all these trans women getting murdered and assaulted. You know, like, I can understand if they’re getting murdered, someone’s murdering them, they’re like, “This is ’cause you’re trans.” [chuckling] By the way… Sorry, I’m… I’m stabbing the person. I just looked at myself doing that. I was like, it looks like… Okay, I’m not jerking the person off. It’s a very different situation. “This is ’cause you’re trans.” “It’s a fun surprise.” You know… Technically, maybe you could murder someone that way, I don’t know. Probably take a while. [chuckles dryly] “You’re almost out.” You know what I’m saying? I… No, this is a knife, and I’m stabbing. “This… This is ’cause you’re trans.” If that’s how they’re getting murdered, okay, yes. It’s because they’re trans. Or, you know, is it because they’re not used to presenting as women and they’re doing, you know, stuff they shouldn’t be doing, like… walking home at night. Like, you used to be a lion. Now you’re a gazelle. There’s different rules, bitch. Okay? You can’t do everything you used to be able to do. You can’t just hang around vans. Like, what… what happened? Did you speak up in a meeting? Or did you do the most dangerous thing of all? Did you marry the love of your life? So, I understand. I understand when women are unhappy with society. You know, it makes sense to me. But you’re unhappy with society, do something about it. You know, all I see is these white women Karening. And that’s really frustrating to me. First of all, Karening isn’t new. Karening’s been happening since the beginning of time. You guys just finally started recording it. Like, there’s literally, like, cave paintings of Karens. It’s just a woman who’s like, “You’re not supposed to have a fire here.” Karening frustrates me ’cause it’s such an ineffective use of your power. You know, like when white men are unhappy with society, they really do something about it. They really get in there. You know, they run for office, they change laws, they gerrymander, they get their hands dirty, you know? When we’re unhappy with society, we don’t do that. We just, like, knock over a display in Target. It’s so frustrating. I think sometimes we think that, like, you know, as individuals, we can’t create change. And you can. Just you, as an individual, you can create change. I see men do it all the time. Women, you can do it on your own. You know, like, um… Ted Kaczynski wasn’t happy with society, and you know what he did? He built a perfectly symmetrical cabin, he wrote a manifesto, and sure, he sent some bombs in the mail, which wasn’t a great idea. But you know what happened to him? Netflix made three documentaries… and everyone knows Ted Kaczynski is the Unabomber. I don’t even know a Karen’s real name. Y’all are just thrown under the umbrella of Karen. I want a white woman to do something where I know your full name. Be your own Ted Kaczynski. [scattered whooping and clapping] [chuckles] And look, you know, like, I don’t always just like to present problems, you know? Sometimes it’s good to have solutions too. And so I think women, white women, I think at some point in your life, you should be in a serious relationship with a Black man. All of us white women, at some point in our life, a serious relationship with a Black man. Just… Yeah. Um… Maybe this guy. Uh… He’s sitting by himself. [chuckles] I need you to be in a serious relationship with a Black man, just so you can hear how stupid all of your complaints actually sound. And the only reason I do it is because it’s fun and easy. But it’s not fair. You also deserve credit for some stuff, too, you know? Like, remember a couple of summers ago when we realized that Black Lives Matter? Waiting until a couple summers ago to realize things have been hard for Black people is like needing to see that documentary to know SeaWorld is bad. Like, did you know whales shouldn’t live in a sink? [scattered clapping] But you know what we did? We realized things were hard, and white women really got out there. They protested, they advocated, you know, they really tried to do the work, but then something devastating happened to a lot of us white women. A lot of us white women realized we’re the ones who’ve been racist this whole time. We were shocked. We were so shocked, we pulled our purse closer. But even after that, we were like, “Wow, we didn’t even know we were like this.” “From now on, we’re going to learn.” “We’re going to listen, we’re going to hear, we’re going to open a small Black business.” “But most importantly, from now on, we’re going to do better.” “We want to do better.” And honestly, all jokes aside, that’s all we can do as a society. We can’t change the past. All we can do is better in the future. I genuinely think that’s the path forward for us. [scattered whooping and clapping] Except… that’s almost exactly what men said after Me Too, and we found that answer completely unacceptable. Men were like, “Us? The whole time? We didn’t even know.” “From now on, we want to learn and listen and hear and open a small Black business.” “But most importantly, from now on, we want to do better.” “We’re going to do better.” And we were like, “No, not good enough.” “You all have to die.” “Every one of you. Doesn’t matter what you did.” “You could have raped somebody or accidentally whispered into a boob.” “It’s all the same.” “And you have to die.” Me Too was the worst-run movement I’ve ever seen. I was so frustrated by it because I think we genuinely could have made social change. We could have made things better for women and men, but we fucked it up from the very beginning. And I tried. I tried to get involved in Me Too. I didn’t want to get Me Too’d. Not how I wanted to get involved. I thought the more fun way to get involved would be to, like, Me Too men, you know? But that didn’t really work out. That just turned into three one-night stands. It’s really hard to Me Too a guy. You ever tried to Me Too a man? It’s very hard. You go up to a guy at work, you’re like, “Hey, nice ass.” He’ll be like, “Oh my God, no one has ever complimented my body.” “Most people call me smart and capable.” “But you made me feel pretty.” “And I touch your boobs.” It’s hard, you know? Everyone has different lines, you know? I don’t even think some men know where their line is. I think some men go so far past their line, when they finally turn around and see it, they’re like, “I have to go home.” And also, men, you like gross things. You do. You know this about yourselves. You like gross things. Like, I was in Thailand, and I went to one of those Ping-Pong shows. [man exclaims] If you don’t know what they are, it’s not a game of Ping-Pong. I don’t know, it’s a little… A little bit a game of Ping-Pong. It’s these shows where women put Ping-Pongs and other things in their vaginas, and then they shoot them out at quite a velocity. I mean… these things really come at you. And it’s not just Ping-Pongs. One lady smoked out of her vagina. Another lady sucked up a little goldfish and then spit that guy back out. And it was still alive. Which I thought was very impressive. That’s like a solid pH that lady’s working with. [scattered clapping] [woman whoops] Of course, the main event, they put Ping-Pongs in their vaginas, and then they shoot them out. And I’m telling… They really come at ya. This isn’t even a joke, they give you paddles to hit them away with. And you wanna hit them away. And I don’t know if this is just ’cause I’m like a competitive person, but as soon as I saw this, I started to wonder which of those things I could do. Every woman in this room, I think we all have the ability to smoke out of our vaginas. I think… I think we can all do that. I just wouldn’t do it if you’re pregnant, you know? You don’t want your baby to think he’s, like, too cool. You know? The fish one… The fish one, I would never try. I would never try the fish one because if the fish died, I would be mortified. I’d be like, “What? Too fishy for you?” The Ping-Pong one, that’s the one you want to know about yourself. Every woman in this room is asking herself the same question right now. Say it with me. If anyone wants to play a game later, just drop-kick me in the stomach. Get some of those Ping-Pongs out, and hopefully that baby. [scattered whooping and clapping] You gotta keep abortion jokes early in the set, you know? [chuckling] Before it’s a baby, so… The point is, the only reason I tell that story is because that show only exists because men, you like gross things. There’s no female version of that show. We’re not going anywhere to see men shoot anything out of their bodies. In fact, the one thing you do shoot out of your bodies, oftentimes we’re like, “Hey, can you wipe this off?” “I’m getting sticky.” That’s one of the reasons I think Me Too is confusing for men, ’cause there’s some weird gross Me Toos out there, but I think they’re all things men would have liked if it happened to them. Like if I went up to a guy at a party, and I was like, “Hey, I saw you from across the room and then I came into a bush.” I think if I said that to a guy at a party, he would be like, “Tell me more about that.” Coming into a bush at a party, that’s like a classic Harvey Weinstein, I don’t know, bit? [chuckles] He was kind of like the cornerstone of the whole Me Too movement. And rightfully so. He did a lot of terrible things. You know, and he was on trial. A lot of women testified against him. And this one woman testified, she goes, “Harvey offered me a role in exchange for sex.” “And when I said no, he goes, ‘Then you’ll never make it in Hollywood because that’s how a lot of women make it in Hollywood.'” And then, supposedly, he started naming names. He’s like, “That’s how Charlize Theron made it, Salma Hayek.” And that’s the part you never really think about. You know, for, like, all the bad Me Toos out there, there’s, like, a couple success ones. But you should not have to give a blowjob to get ahead. You should not have todo it. But you can. This is just about knowing your skill set. You know who’d be really mad to hear this information? Prostitutes. They’re like, “You got an Oscar? I got $50.” Personally, I don’t think I could ever do it, you know, just because the guys who offer it are all kind of gross, you know? They’re like the Harvey Weinsteins, the Roger Ailes. Like… I would talk about it. I’m a bit of a talker, you know. I’d be like, “Oh no, smells down here. Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.” [Michelle chuckling] [scattered whooping] [scattered clapping] This was a lot more complicated of a situation than we let it be. We needed to have conversations around it, and we couldn’t even have conversations. You were either Me Too or Me Against. There weren’t even levels. There should have been some levels. You know, like “Me Too.” “Me Kinda.” “Me Didn’t Know.” [chuckles] “Me Criminal.” [chuckles] And some stuff, some truly terrible stuff happened to women. And other stuff, I was like, “No, you just had a weird sex thing.” I heard one woman say this man put his penis on her forehead during sex, and she said that was a Me Too. I was like, “No you just had weird sex.” “That’s the day you found out if you like a penis on your forehead.” “And if you do, guess what. Me too.” So… “You got any ideas in there?” It’s fun, try it later. Uh… You know, ask. [chuckles softly] We needed to have conversations, you need to be able to ask questions, because everyone has a different line. You know, one woman’s line is another woman’s rope she likes to be tied up with. You’d hear a lot of women say, “Men shouldn’t use their power to have sex.” Other women would be like, “I like when men use their power to have sex.” And then men were like, “Can you tell us which one you are?” And we were like, “No,” but for different reasons. You hear some women be like, “This man, he hit on me at work, that’s harassment, it made me feel uncomfortable.” Like, “Okay, do you want no one to hit on you at work?” “No, I only want the men who I want to hit on me to hit on me at work.” “Okay. Do you want to make a list of who they are?” “No, I’m mysterious.” “Well, then buckle up, Nancy Drew, you got some uncomfortable times headed your way.” And I did… I genuinely saw men try to get better. You know? I saw men trying to listen to us and do better. Like, uh, I was in… riding in a car with a guy, and he asked to hold my hand. And I wasn’t used to that level of consent, you know? Like… I mean, I wasn’t used to rape, either. I’m more of a social-cues girl. And… But he asked to hold my hand. And I was so taken aback by it that my first reaction was, “Oh no! He must be sick or scared.” So I grabbed his hand, and I was like, “It’s going to be okay, buddy.” You know, relationships are complicated. Things between us are complicated, you know. And women, you know, we’re a little bit to blame for some of this stuff too. Like, uh, we’re attracted to the most dangerous type of man. You know, we like those big, strong guys. Tall guys with broad shoulders. You know how many times I’ve said “I want a big strong guy who can pick me up and throw me against the wall”? And then other women have definitely said, “He was big and strong, and then he threw me against the wall.” Same guy. Uh… And I say we’re partially responsible for that, because women, we’re at the point now where we decide who we marry, we decide who we mate with. We are attracted to those guys, so we marry them, we have kids with them, we make more of them. If we really wanted to make society better, we could just stop doing that. We could only marry… We could only marry short, soft-boned men. Get a whole generation of little Danny DeVitos running around. That’s actually why I think a lot of men don’t want to give women access to abortion. I think you know, deep down, that we could start deciding which of you gets to move ahead. [whooping and clapping] We could keep a whole database. We could be like, “No, no, not him. He doesn’t text back.” “Sorry, Kevin, the future’s for communicators.” We’re also, inexplicably… Women, we’re attracted to bad men. You know? Like, I don’t know why, but we’re just attracted to bad guys. Like, Charles Manson got wedding proposals in jail. Women heard what Charles Manson did, and they thought, “I’d like to be in a relationship with that man.” Even Charles Manson had to be like, “You wanna be in a relationship with me? That’s a red flag.” We’re, like, oddly attracted to serial killers. Anytime Netflix comes out with a new documentary about serial killers, we’re, like, attracted to them. It’s crazy to me, ’cause one, they’re serial killers, and two, it makes me think about how we don’t have many female serial killers. And the ones we do all kind of make sense, you know? They’re all prostitutes who killed their johns. And I can see how that could go south, you know? She’s probably like, “Where’s my Oscar?” [chuckles] But male serial killers, we know the same thing about all of you. Male serial killers all had terrible moms. But a lot of us women, we have terrible dads, and we don’t turn into serial killers. We just turn into people who have sex with other dads. It makes me so frustrated at women. I’m like, “Can you stop being a people-pleaser for five fucking minutes and get to murdering?” [woman screams in laughter] [scattered clapping and whooping] You know, be the change. You know? [chuckles] [upbeat music playing]  If you want it   I’ve got it   If you need it   I’ve got it  Part 3: News to Me + All Beautiful [Michelle] Hi, guys, how are you? You guys, you know you have a good town. [cheering and clapping] I love coming to Madison. I always love being back here. We’re gonna have a good time. We don’t ask that of men, you know? Like, men aren’t like, “Men should support other men.” That’s not… They’re just like, “We’ll invade. It’s okay.” It’s totally fine not to like other… There’s plenty of women that I don’t like, you know? But sometimes I’ll find out information about them that will at least, like, let me understand them. Like, I saw an article about Nancy Reagan. First of all, I’ve never been a fan of Nancy Reagan. I always thought she was a tiny little cunt. You know? Yeah. That’s just my opinion. I don’t know. It’s not… But I saw an article about her recently that made me at least understand her. Uh, the article talked about how in Hollywood in the ’70s, Nancy Reagan was known as the throat GOAT. Yeah. Little old Nancy Reagan, in Hollywood in the ’70s, was known for the best at giving blow jobs. Do you know how hard it is to be the best at giving blow jobs in Hollywood in the ’70s? That’s how people auditioned. And she was the best. She was the Michael Jordan of blow jobs. Little old Nancy Reagan. But then, after I read that, her whole life made sense to me. It’s like, of course she hated gay men. They were her competition. She’s like, “We gotta keep AIDS around, my cheeks are getting tired.” [Michelle chuckles] You know, I saw that news story… I actually read that news story like I feel like a lot of us read news these days. Which is, I saw it, and I wanted to believe it was true, so then I just did. You know, like, I didn’t check sources or anything. Now that I’m thinking about it, I really wanna know what the sources are. It’s like a bunch of older men who are like… [mumbles] You know? You know she’s really good if that was the one thing Ronald Reagan remembered. “When Nancy puts me in her mouth…” “Hey, this is a Cabinet meeting, okay?” “Someone get him more jelly beans. We need…” [Michelle chuckles] But I think that’s what a lot of us do now when we look at the news, you know? We see something that kind of fits in line with what we want to believe, and then because we feel it’s true, it is. And that’s an incredibly dangerous place to be as a society. Plus, once something’s out there about you, it doesn’t actually matter if it’s true or not, people will just believe it. There’s some things out there about me that aren’t true, but I’m sure people believe it. Like, after I did the Correspondents’ Dinner, I got a lot of trolling. And, to be honest, most trolling, very boring. You know, it’s just repetitive. You know, a lot of it’s like, “You bitch, you cunt, you Carrot Top-looking motherfucker.” And that’s just me in the mirror, so… Well, how do you come? I got one really good troll after the Correspondents’ Dinner. I appreciated this troll. It was creative. He put in time and effort. It was really good. What he did was he took what looked like a screenshot of my actual hometown newspaper, the Hershey Chronicle, and so… I mean, the font was correct. A lot of information in the article was right. Like where I went to school, when I graduated, what I majored in. The meat of the article was incorrect. The headline read, “Wolf pleads guilty to bestiality.” Out of the box, though, right? You know? And I tried to find this article again, and I just, I Googled “Wolf bestiality.” I think I got a bit egotistical where I was just like… I was like, “Oh, wait, I need more words than that.” But that’s a fun rabbit hole if you want to go down that one. But the title of this article said, “Wolf pleads guilty to bestiality.” So now I find myself in the odd position to have to say things like, “No, I’ve never had sex with a dog.” But as soon as you have to say you’ve never had sex with a dog, it sounds like maybe you’ve had sex with a dog. By the way, that was the bestiality they were referring to. They said my bestiality was dog sex. If, when I said bestiality, you pictured a different animal, guess what, that’s the animal you would have sex with. And now you know that about yourself, so… That’s fun and exciting, you know? This article, now, all of a sudden, it makes me think of things that I never even wanted to think about before, like, “How do I have sex with a dog?? I’m a woman. How am I fucking a dog? So then I’d think about how I’d have sex with a dog. And I think the answer is you put peanut butter on your pussy. And now it sounds like I’ve maybe fucked a dog. By the way, if you ever do want to have sex with a dog, it said after I pleaded guilty that I only got 12 months probation and $1,100 fine. So, if that’s your thing, you might want to head over to Pennsylvania. It doesn’t sound like it’s gonna put you in that deep of a hole, you know? But we’re in Wisconsin. Maybe check the laws here. They might be better. There’s a lot of farmland. People get lonely. I get it. But, yeah, I’ve never had sex with a dog. But if I was going to, I’m not having sex with a rescue. [chuckles] I’m having sex with a purebred dog. A big, silky-coated dog. A dog who could really take care of me. And honestly, that would be fine if that was the only information out there about me. Um, it’s not. Do you guys remember Jeffrey Epstein, like, of the pedophiles? So, at some point, someone put a list of all the people who apparently went to Epstein’s island out. And it’s, like, a pretty good list. It’s got Barack Obama, Beyoncé, Meryl Streep, Tom Hanks. Also on the list, me. Well, that’s not good. Now it looks like I fuck kids and dogs. It looks like I’m really going out of my way not to have sex with men. Which, if I was interested in both kids and dogs, a perfect combination of that is men. [scattered clapping] And now I find myself in a position no one ever wants to be in, which is having to say the phrase, “No, I’ve never had sex with a kid.” I’ve never even been to that island. But by the way, if all those people are going, I’m gonna go. You probably don’t have to do anything there. You can probably just get a cocktail and see what Meryl Streep’s into. Which hopefully is role-play. You know? She’s a really good actress. I don’t know. So, I know, I had to say things like “I’ve never had sex with a kid.” And I haven’t. But if I was going to have sex with a kid, I wouldn’t go to some billionaire’s island to do it. I’d do it the normal way and become a teacher. Get them supplies. [upbeat music playing] I hear all the time, women talk about how we should all be beautiful, how we should all feel beautiful. So it’s like, “We’re all beautiful.” “We’re all beautiful.” Well, first of all, that means we’re still valuing women on beauty. We’re like, “You have to be beautiful to be important, so we’ll just make sure every woman feels beautiful.” Which is maybe not the right metric. Also, a little problem with that plan, we’re not all beautiful. [chuckles] The only reason you know someone’s beautiful is ’cause you’ve seen someone who’s not. You’re like, “Yeah, that’s different… than that.” Like, recently, I was at the same event as Naomi Campbell, and people kept wanting us to take a picture together, and I was like, “No!” “I’m not gonna document how different humans can be.” “My skill set doesn’t come across in a photograph.” [scattered clapping] [scattered whooping and clapping] Not too much, okay, guys. [chuckles] Also, but how dare you? How dare you want every woman to be beautiful? Don’t you think there’s women out there who knew they were ugly? They knew they were ugly, so they got good at something. They got respected for their abilities. We gotta stop with all this beautiful nonsense. We should even stop telling little girls they’re beautiful. I think as soon as they can understand us, you look that little girl right in the eye, and you go, “With a face like that, you get good at math.” [scattered clapping and whooping] “We’re all beautiful.” So much… So much of our existence is based off of beauty, and it’s such a waste of time. Like, Victoria’s Secret just hired their first Down syndrome model. Don’t worry, this isn’t gonna be a joke about Down syndrome. You don’t have to draw a real hard line in the sand. Victoria’s Secret just hired their first Down syndrome model and everyone was like, “This is such a great accomplishment for women.” And, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that lady has a job. But, uh, can we stop acting like women posing with no clothes, or almost no clothes, is an accomplishment? It’s literally the least you could do. This is how little of an accomplishment it is. I couldn’t think of something it was like. I kept thinking, like, I don’t know, a baby learning how to use a spoon, and I was like, I don’t know, it’s still an accomplishment. It is literal… It’s the least you can do. There’s nothing impressive about it. It’s not moving the needle forward for women at all. We seem to have this idea that if every woman can pose nude, finally, we’ll get ahead. It’s not… It’s not doing anything for us, you know? It’s like, “We want equality,” and then someone was like, “How about every type of woman can be in a Dove commercial?” And we were like, “We’ll take it.” They were like, “Really? “This feels like a whole ‘beads for New York’ situation.” ‘Cause we’ve seen it. We’ve seen every type of woman. Every age, weight, race, number of arms, we’ve seen it all. There’s nothing impressive about it. You know? And we were the ones, women… We were the ones who needed to see it. You know, we saw what the standard model was, and we said, “I want that.” Men didn’t do this. Men didn’t put these ideas in our heads. Men saw every woman, and they’re like, “I’ll take that one.” “Yeah, that’s neat too. Okay.” “Line ’em up.” That’s what it feels like. It feels like we’re trying to get verification that a man will jerk off to anything. That’s how low the bar is for men. It’s like, “Oh, Chad, he’ll beat it to almost anything.” We’re like, “He’s an ally.” Also, like, women, you should want to be a little bit ugly. I promise, it’ll help you out. I get called ugly all the time. I don’t care, I have a skill. I don’t care. Also, I hope I age terribly. ‘Cause the uglier I get, the better this all works. Like, I can’t do any accents or impressions. Okay? There’s one accent I can do, and it’s a very offensive Asian accent. Don’t ask me how I know, okay? I wanna get so ugly that I can do that accent and even Asian people will be like, “It’s okay.” And also, women, if you’re a little bit ugly, men are gonna be much more likely to believe you’re capable. And women too, by the way. Women are much… They’re also gonna believe you’re more capable if you’re a little bit ugly. If you have a bit of a busted face… and you’re like, “I’m a mathematician,” people will be like, “That tracks. Yeah.” Oh, don’t get sad about it, it’s true. You are the problem. [chuckles] “That’s sad, she thinks she’s ugly?” Who cares? She’s got a fucking job. Oh, this lady is so drunk, it doesn’t matter. Look at some of our most successful women. We don’t really think about these women because we never equate women’s success with, like, not being beautiful. But some of our most successful women, very ugly people. Some of these references are a little old. They’re just my personal favorites. Janet Reno. [woman cheers] [man] Reno! Janet Reno was the first female attorney general. One of the longest-ever serving attorney generals. Worked for Democrats, Republicans, this lady was great at attorney general-ing. [light clapping] If you can’t remember what Janet Reno looks like, she looked like what Larry Bird looks like now. For context, Will Ferrell played her on Saturday Night Live. And his costume was, like, a little bit of lipstick. Not a pretty lady. Everyone trusted her. [Michelle chuckles] Everyone’s favorite, Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Ugly little old bird. She actually looks like a bird’s foot. All, like, wrinkly and bony, and, like, a little bit… You know. Great Supreme Court Justice. Not a pretty lady. No one’s slinging dicks at Ruth. It’s just such… It’s such a waste of time. It’s a waste of all of our times and our talents. Then for a while, there was this group of women. They were the “I don’t care” women. And, honestly, that’s like the right lane to be in. But these women were pretending they didn’t care. They actually cared because they posted about how much they didn’t care on social media. They’re like, “I don’t care what you think, I’m confident.” “I don’t care, I’m confident.” Feels like you’re trying to “Beetlejuice” confidence. But these “I don’t care” women, they don’t wear makeup, work out, do their hair, they don’t care. If that’s what you want to do, that’s totally fine. But what are you doing? ‘Cause I know how much time all of that takes me. So, if you’re not doing that, what are you doing? Are you attorney general? Are you fluent in all the languages? How are you spending all of this extra time? Like, men have never really cared about how they’ve looked. But they have almost everything to show for it. They invented almost everything. They’re like, “So sorry I look like this, but here’s electricity.” “No, wait till it gets dark. This is gonna blow your mind.” “You’re gonna be able to stare in the mirror longer.” And the worst part is, these “I don’t care” women, they were getting grouped in with powerful women. Like, “Look at these ‘I don’t care’ women.” “Look at them, they’re such great examples.” No, you’re not a powerful woman, you’re a mediocre man. And if that’s what you want to be, that’s fine. Having openly mediocre women, I think that’s a big step forward. I think that’s really good for women. If you want to be mediocre, you do it. You lean into it. Have fun. Wear elastic. But know you’re mediocre. You know, don’t you go blaming stuff on sexism. If you don’t get a promotion, don’t be like, “That’s sexist.” It’s like, “No, you don’t know Excel.” It’s an intuitive program. But that’s the kind… That’s the kind of equality I want for women. I want true equality for women. I want women to be just as good as men, just as mediocre, and just as shitty. You know? I want us to be in charge of stuff. I’d love to see us leave our kids. [scattered clapping and whooping] And I’d like to see a few serial killers. Good ones too. Like, good, creepy, dead-eyed, wear-your-skin serial killers. [woman whooping] The kind Netflix makes a documentary about, and afterwards, people are like, “She’s cute, though.” [chuckles] [upbeat music playing]  If you want it   I’ve got it   If you need it   I’ve got it"}
{"Title": "Natural Selection", "Artist": "Matt Rife", "Intro": "Matt Rife: Natural Selection is a stand-up comedy special by American comedian Matt Rife. It was filmed at the DAR Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C. and premiered on Netflix on November 15, 2023.", "context": "  Matt Rife: Natural Selection is a stand-up comedy special by American comedian Matt Rife. It was filmed at the DAR Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C. and premiered on Netflix on November 15, 2023. In the special, Rife delivers a wide-ranging set of jokes about topics such as social media, relationships, and his own personal life. He is known for his quick wit and observational humor, and he is able to find the funny in even the most mundane situations. Rife has been performing stand-up comedy since he was a teenager, and he has quickly risen through the ranks of the comedy scene. He has appeared on numerous television shows, including The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, Conan, and Comedy Central Stand-Up. Matt Rife: Natural Selection has been praised for its sharp writing and Rife’s charismatic stage presence. It is a must-see for fans of stand-up comedy. Here are some of the critical reviews of Matt Rife: Natural Selection: • “A hilarious and thought-provoking special that will have you laughing from start to finish” (Variety) • “Rife is a rising star in the comedy world, and this special is a testament to his talent” (The Hollywood Reporter) • “A must-see for anyone who wants to see a fresh and original voice in stand-up comedy” (The New York Times) Matt Rife: Natural Selection is available to stream on Netflix.", "Text": "Oh my God. [chuckles excitedly] Thank you. Thank you. Sit down, sit down, get comfortable, my God. Thank you so much. Thank you so much, man. Washington, D.C. We’re doing Netflix, baby. We’re doin’ it. We’re doin’ it. Oh! This is so cool, man. I wish… [mouth clicks] I wish my grandpa could see this. He, um… I… I… I always wanted to bring him here to visit. You know, he knew how much I loved D.C., and he… he… he loved Maryland. [inhales] Mar… Bro, Maryland as a state cannot pick a tone, dawg. Just pick one… It’s so beautiful and so ratchet for no reason. All of Maryland. Y’all drive to the beach with your top down and then go to Baltimore and lock all your doors. You know, no middle ground ever, man. I’ve only been to Baltimore one time. I ate lunch there, and the hostess, who seats you at the restaurant, had a black eye. We couldn’t get over the fact, “This is the face of the company?” Like, “This is… This is who you have greeting people?” And my boy, who I was with was like, “Yeah, I feel bad for her. Just wanted to see. [whistling] Just wanted to see. [chuckles, inhales] I figure if we start with domestic violence, the rest of the show should be… should be pretty smooth sailing after that. [sighs gently] Yeah, of course, I felt bad for her, man. She should’ve had her protection crystals, you know what I mean? [laughing, squealing] Fellas, we gotta put our foot down, man. This crystal shit is getting out of control. Ladies, put the fuckin’ pebbles down, okay? We are sick and tired of walking into your bedroom looking like we gotta beat you in a game of mancala before we can sleep with you. What the fuck is all this gravel doing inside, Thanos? I swear, the biggest issue with crystal girls is the fact it’s their entire personality, and they won’t shut up about it. I mean, you even, God forbid, bring it up mid-conversation. [mimicking woman] Aw! This is my favorite one. This is, um… This is a piece of green Peruvian jade, and it provides me with, like, strength and… and… and protection and… and… and… and no, it doesn’t. That’s a broken shard of a Heineken bottle that you… [laughs] …that you bought from a white dude with dreadlocks, who also runs a throat goat yoga class. Okay? Say what it really is, some bullshit. The only thing it’s protecting is me from dating another girl who’s pussy tastes like kombucha. Okay? Shower. Maybe get back to using real deodorant? No more of this organic deodorant shit that lasts shorter than fuckin’ fruit-stripe gum. Okay? No more. Y’all remember that garbage? That’s y’all walking around, two smacks, stinkin’ all over again, dude. I’m so sick of it, man. [inhales] This hippie shit is gonna be the death of me, I swear. If I hear one more person blame how their life is going on Mercury, [huffing sharply] I will kill you myself. Do you understand? You leave that goddamn planet alone. I’m so tired of you ladies blaming your poor decision-making skills on planets that don’t even know you. Astrology is not this magical life guideline that… that predetermines your future in the stars. No, none of that. Your future is dependent by your thoughts, opinions, and actions. You are in complete control of how your future turns out. It’s not up here. It’s in here the whole time. It’s up to you. And stop trying to explain it so confidently, you look stupid every time. It’s so… The girl of your dreams will look you straight in the eyes and say some dumb shit, like, “Would you even know how the universe works?” [inhales] No, but tell me, Professor. “There’s a planet called Mercury. When it slows its rotation around the sun, it causes retrograde 98 million miles away and that’s why my life is just in absolute shambles.” [mimics whimpering] “Like it’s literally not even up to me.” “Like, it’s in the stars and… [hoarsely] …like, we’re literally all stardust. You know what I mean?” Yeah, you’re gonna die alone. Your life isn’t in shambles because of a planet in the sky. It’s because you can’t live without a vape in your mouth. And you only fuck guys who need to borrow your car. Okay? You’re worried about Mercury while he crashing your Saturn. How stupid do you feel? Guess again. [hoarsely] Yeah, it’s gonna kill me, man. I feel it’s a younger generational thing too, right? The crystals and astrology and all that. Which makes sense. I fuckin’ hate young people, dude. I really do. Ah! [whooing, cheering] Anybody… anybody my age or younger, you don’t have anything to offer me, man. I just… I… You’re so rude! Young people are so disrespectful even when they’re not trying to be. Like, five months ago, I got a tattoo of John Lennon on the back of my arm, and it’s… it’s pretty fuckin’ obviously John Lennon. Like, it’s… it’s a good tattoo. As soon as I post it on Instagram, everybody was, “He’s a Harry Potter fan?” I was like, fuck these kids, dude. That is so disrespectful to one of the greatest musicians of all time. Like, John Lennon got fuckin’ Avada Kedavra on his back, and that’s why he’s not here. No. Same glasses, but he’s the boy who didn’t live. Good. I like you a lot. Good. That’s good. [inhales sharply] God, I hate young people. And there’s no middle ground. I hate young people, and I… [hoarsely] …I fuckin’ love old people. It is… it is really an unhealthy obsession. It is. Oh, bro, I would fuck a grandma in a heartbeat. I really would do it. I’d do it. [woman yells] You can. [laughing] I don’t know if you’ve done research. You can fuck as many as you want, and there’s no law against it. As many as you want. As many as you want. You just gotta be gentle about it. You can’t… You can’t choke ’em. You gotta, like, kink their oxygen. Know what I mean? not today. You’re all right. You’re fine. Walker it off. Fuck being somebody’s first. But somebody’s last? That’s a flex. Oh, my goodness. That’s… That’s where I thrive, baby. I’m out here cleanin’ it up. They call me the Trim Reaper, dawg. I’m just out here snatchin’ souls, you know what I mean? Oh, dude, I do… I love old people so much. Like, the more an old person is shaped like a candy cane. [laughing hysterically] [hoarsely] Dude. I love a motherfucker who just… Argh! He just can’t even look up. Even he doesn’t know how much life is ahead of him. You know what I mean? Just… That’s the weight of a good life lived, fuckin’ up his back, man. Ugh… You old persons gotta have bad posture, man. That tells you lived your life to the fullest. If you meet one with good posture, they dodged the draft 100%. You don’t have my respect. Sorry. Oh, man. They gotta have bad pos. The worst an old person’s posture, the better the stories. “How’d you get like that?” Used to be my favorite part about visiting my great-grandmother at the hospice center she was at for her remaining years when I was a teenager. She’s where they take care of you for your remaining time, and my mom would drop us off for like three or four hours, which is great. It’s not that I didn’t love her or didn’t wanna hang out. People with dementia can’t remember, so there’s not a lot to talk about. And it just so happened the guy, Lenny, in the room right next to her remembered everything. This guy was the coolest person I had ever met. He was 97 and had the coolest life I ever heard of. He’d tell me story after story after story for hours and hours on end, and they were captivating stories. He lived a very full life. He fought in three wars in his lifetime. He climbed five mountains. [cheering] He, um… Yeah, he… he told me he fucked Rosa Parks. I don’t think… that happened the way you remembered it. Wouldn’t the back of the bus be more private? I feel like you could put in some work back there, but well, that’s the cons of being young, I guess. You can’t fact-check an old person’s story. I wasn’t there. I hate being young. I don’t know nothin’. I’m 28. I don’t know for sure that Michael Jackson was Black. I didn’t see it. It frustrates me to no end, man. I love old people, dude. Oh my God. Yeah. I’m kinda flattered, you know. What I love about old stories, like hearing Lenny’s stories for hours on end is it inspires me to think about the stories I’m gonna have to tell when I get to that age. I hope I live a full life and have fun stories to pass down. I liked hearing about his war stories, his adventures, his family stories. That excited me the most, to have a family someday. I’m excited to have kids, but not now. No, not now. My kid is about to have five legs and a shark fin on his back. He is about to be a monstrosity. [inhales] And I know I’m not mature enough to have that conversation when he’s finally, like, “Why am I like this?” [whines gruntingly] Fuck! I’m just there, like… [hisses] Ugh! ‘Cause Daddy’s funny. You know. [chuckles] I’ve made a lot of people laugh. So will you. If they pay the admission. [woman laughing hysterically] I think it’s mainly about timing for me. I wanna pick the right time to have kids ’cause I… I’m 28, so realistically, I have all the time in the world, but… The benefits of being a guy, we don’t have to rush into starting a family. We can have kids whenever we want, which I don’t think is fair to women, considering women are the ones who literally have to have the baby. Doesn’t make sense you’d have to compete against this biological clock. It seems messed up. You can groan all you want, but don’t act like 25 minutes before you were allowed to go, you didn’t have to watch them hauling ass down the hallway. [laughing] You were just like… Argh! Goddammit. Naruto is gonna drink up all the spaghetti. Great. I… I… In fact, I actually think it’s kinda cool to see the way God works. If you pay attention, God always finds a way of evening things out. God always replaces a negative with a positive. Anytime you see somebody who is born… less fortunate in a certain aspect, you don’t gotta worry ’cause God’s gonna bless them with… with an attribute, a… a quality about themselves, sometimes even a skill set. Kinda evens that playin’ field a little. I noticed it first in my nephew, Chase. He’s a teenager now, but he’s autistic as fuck, wh… which is probably not the medical term, but he, um… he… he got it, for sure. Um… He’s, uh… he’s… he’s nonverbal. That’s his thing. Unless you’re his mom, he won’t speak to you, no eye contact, won’t acknowledge you’re in the room. But get this. His blessing… His blessing is that he can paint. As a teenager, he paints better than any art teacher I’ve ever had. I just think it’s cool to see the way God always finds a way of evenin’ things out. It might’ve changed my perspective on things growing up. There was a kid, Alex, in our high school. Alex was the same age as me. We entered high school together. Had gym class together. He… he was special needs, and he… he had a… [sighs heavily] he… he had a… [hoarsely] …dick on him, man. I don’t know… [tuts] I don’t know how else to tell y’all that. That boy was… [hoarsely] …blessed, man. People felt sorry for him. “Fuck that, dude. I hope he’s out there hurting somebody now. Really. She needs the helmet. You know, they don’t always… They don’t always know their own strength. But he’s a good dude. Yeah. Big shout-out to Alex. [woman] Whoo! Yeah. Short bus, but a long dick, man. And that’s… That’s balance. It’s what life’s all about at the end of the day. Balance. You can’t have everything. Sometimes, you just funny. I still fucked him up in dodgeball. You know what’s funny? I’ve mentioned God eight times the past two minutes. I’m really not the most religious person. I’m really not. I hope there’s a god. I pray every day that there’s a god. It’d make a lot of sense, answer a lot of questions. It’s tricky sometimes. Certain things’ll happen, make you question faith a little bit. It’s hard to pick a religion, man. It’s… I say it’s hard to pick a religion, but I… I… I do still wear a cross chain. [woman] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know. [chuckles] I hope I don’t gotta use it, but you know. [hoarsely] Just in case. I paid for this meet-and-greet. Where your dad at? But I’ve always respected it. Always respected religion. Everybody’s religion’s good. I have the utmost respect for. It’s important for people to have something to believe in. My ex tried to drive it home pretty heavy. She was super religious. My ex is one of the most religious people I’ve met, which is hilarious ’cause she is not getting into heaven, bro. Not… not a fuckin’ chance, man. Not even as my plus-one. She’s gonna have to chill for a couple centuries outside these gates, man. She was so religious, but just… [grinding teeth] …not a good person. Like, do you know people like that? [woman] Whoo! They’re so religious that you’re like, “You’re compensating a little bit.” What kind of Christian wakes up to read the Bible every morning when last night, all you wanted me to do was lick your butt. That’s the bigger question. Dude, that’s fuckin’ disgusting, man. You don’t understand. I don’t even eat onions. I never thought I’d do nothing like that. I don’t know what came over me. I don’t know if it was the butt Holy Spirit or what, but that shit just had your boy speaking in tongues. You know what I mean? Did you ever eat someone’s ass, then break up. It’s the worst Last Supper ever, dude. Tastes like betrayal and pennies. [laughing hysterically] But… [sighs deeply] …it’s her religion, you know. I don’t, you know, discredit anybody’s beliefs. I believe in things. I do have beliefs. They might not be as deep-rooted as religion, but I do believe in things that affect my life to a severe degree. Um, for example, I’m… I’m a terrible sleeper. I… I have terrible, terrible sleep problems, and part of that is to do with the fact that one of my biggest beliefs is in ghosts and monsters. You don’t know what’s in there. I’ll tell you, ghosts and monsters, and y’all look ridiculous for not being more concerned about it on a day-to-day basis, dude. They’re so real. I’m such a bitch, man. I really am. I… I literally have to sleep with my TV on every single night ’cause I’ve really convinced myself that if the TV’s on, the ghosts are gonna think I have people over, so… I’ll just be like chiming in to shit that I’m watchin’, just doin’ too much. Just… Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh. [shouts] That’s crazy how much fun we’re all having in here. Just me and 12 of the biggest Black dudes you’ve ever seen. You know, you gotta… [inhales sharply] …lay down some ground rules. Gotta let these ghosts know they’re not safe in your house. You squatted up in there. They don’t know. Twelve Black dudes ain’t afraid of nothin’. Except for people dressed like ghosts. I told you all monsters are real. I just… I… I do not mess with ghosts, man. You can’t even confront ’em ’cause the ironic thing about ghosts is the more innocent and approachable a ghost should be, the scarier it is. The ghost of a child. Get the fuck away from me. [inhales] I don’t know if you’re a demon or an Amber Alert, but I want you outta my house right now. Those are always the scariest ones, just showin’ up in your hallways. [mimicking child] Come play with us. [laughing] They’re always British for some reason. All dead kids are British when they’re a ghost for no reason. Little dead British kids always wanna play. I don’t even know what an American kid ghost would say, but that’d be terrifying to hear. Just wanted to see. Just wanted to see. Just checkin’ in. [sighs] Ah, dude. Ghosts are terrifying, man. The only thing that scares me more than ghosts is monsters, and I’m… I’m pretty sick of y’all not taking ’em seriously. ‘Cause they’re all over the place, man. That’s the thing about monsters. Nobody knows where they’re at. Everybody has theories as to where they think they hide. I’ve… I’ve heard weird places. I’ve heard, like, closed shower curtain. I know people who won’t use a restroom unless they open the shower curtain first to make sure this motherfucker isn’t in there lathering up with the 3-in-1. It turns out he’s the one takin’ fistfuls of hair against the shower walls for all those years. A little skeptical about that one. Some places make more sense than others. The closet is a big one. It’s pretty standard. Plenty of people are afraid of a monster comin’ out in the middle of the night just eatin’ you up. That checks out. That’s fuckin’ terrifyin’. You can’t have a monster comin’ outta the closet. That’s scary twice. [screams loudly] You said he was gonna eat me up. You didn’t say dick first. You left out so many details. I’m being haunted by Lil Nas X? You let me know. You let me know. Mm-hmm, yeah. Like, why’d he choose my closet, ya know? Like, it’s… That’s less scary more flattering. I can get on board with that. The closet makes sense. I will say probably the number one spot that’s most common that I was never really afraid of a monster hiding there was under the bed. It’s one of the more common places, especially when you’re a kid. You’d be afraid of a monster’s hand comin’ up and grabbin’ your leg. Never scared me. I think because I started masturbating pretty early. You know what I mean? I’m the monster now. You know, bro. He ain’t even built for that, bro. I would dick my bed demon down, dude. He’s not built for those rounds. He’d be catchin’ feelin’s, getting possessive and shit. He’s knockin’ on my headboard at 3:00 a.m. He’s like, “You up?” What? I got school in the morning, dawg. Chill out. Chill. Goddamn. [sighs] You’re not full? Huh? There’s no way there’s room for a monster and all those towels under my bed. You know what I mean? And if there is one, he is crunchy. He ain’t… He ain’t sneakin’ up on nobody. It’s way too loud. [mimicking crunching] You can hear a semen demon coming from a mile away. You really can, right? They ain’t got no stealth at all. It’s a damn shame. Clowns. [whooing] A lot of people don’t fuck with clowns. Even though you’ve dated a few. That’s on you. Still… Still a respectable fear, I get it. I… I’m not personally afraid of clowns, but I get it. I’ve… I’ve got four sisters, and they’re terrified of clowns. ‘Cause when I was about 13 years old, we all watched the, uh, the original It movies. For anybody who has no idea, there’s a movie called It. It’s… it’s based on a Stephen King book. It’s about this killer-demon-monster clown, who lives in the sewer system, and he comes up through the drains to, like, eat children. That’s the whole movie, him as a monster. We watched this movie at my grandpa’s house, and it scared my sisters so bad, they didn’t shower for three weeks. That… that’s how terrified they were, that he was gonna come up through the drains and eat them when they were kids. But they didn’t know that by that time… I had been jerking off in the shower. So like, he been eating my children. You’re not gonna kill the cow when you get the milk for free. That’s just… That’s bad Business 101. You know? His name is Pennywise, but he be eating quarter-loads. I’ll tell ya that much right now. That boy… That boy eatin’ good down there, man. And they all float. Don’t they? Right on top of the water. Like an oil spill. That’s how you get early onset Candy Cane ’cause you’re just hunched over in that hot water. You’re getting molded like a mouthpiece. And I’m… I’m realizing right now, I need more guy fans. That’d help a lot. If this room was 70% dudes the way it is women, this joke would have been like… Ahh! ‘Cause all the dudes get it and every girl is like, “Is it a jellyfish?” Like, what? Why… why would it stick… Kind of, consistency-wise, it’s not far off from a jellyfish. It’s disgusting, whatever it is, man. [snorts] Guys are so gross. [exhales] Luckily, we’re funny on accident. I think that’s what helps us get through the embarrassment of puberty ’cause you ladies would lose your mind if you really saw how much of a shitshow it is to be a young man trying to learn how to masturbate proficiently. Ah, dude. It’s just embarrassing mistake after embarrassing mistake. Y’all are just thrown to the wilderness with no owner’s manual or nothing. Just forced to figure it out for yourself. And you do! All by yourself, and I’m so proud of each and every one of you. I really am. You already have to walk us through every step of the way, and even that’s exhausting in the simplest form. Fellas. How many times have you fingered a girl for so long you wake up the next day, like… Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Did I go fuckin’ bowling last night? Did I indoor rock climb for nine hours? I’m walking around the next day pointing at shit like Spider-Man ’cause I can’t… I can’t straighten my tendons anymore. I can’t grip shit the next day. It’s like great. Yeah, you came, and I got cerebral palsy. Awesome. Yeah, that. [hoarsely] It hurts, man. You ladies are very strong. Good job. Women definitely have it harder. There’s no argument there. I think men just have it more embarrassing, ’cause we don’t… we don’t take anybody’s advice. We only learn via trial and error, and you don’t forget those errors. Every man in this room has been caught… whether you know it or not. And… That’s good, you have to figure out your system. As an adult man, every guy in this room knows how to do it, where to do it, when to do it. How to adjust according to time zones and solstices. There’s a whole… There’s a whole rigmarole that goes on, but we have to figure that out the hard way. And thank God I never got caught, like, in the act. I don’t know how I would’ve recovered, but I do remember getting caught with porn for the first time, and I was, uh, oh, boy… [sighs deeply] I… I was 12 years old. Yeah. In my defense, I wasn’t looking for porn when I found it. I was looking for Christmas presents in my parents’ bedroom. It was middle of December. When I get home from school, there was always a couple-hour window before my mom would get home from work. I knew they’d been Christmas shopping, so I broke into their room. I was snoopin’ around. First place I checked was under the bed. My bed monster was there. “Oh, you looking for another bitch?” I was like… “Not now, a different mission. Okay?” Um… Um… Closet. That’s where you keep the goods, right? So I go over to the closet confidently. Wing it open. [exclaims] Nothin’. So I was about to just give up and go back to my room, and I heard a voice. I don’t know if it came from in my head or under the bed, but it said, [whispering] “Check the top shelf.” So I did. And at first glance, it was a typical top shelf of a parents’ closet. Blankets folded up at the front, some hoodies to the side, but what caught my eye was a piece of blue cardboard sticking up from behind the blankets, so I brought the blankets down, and it revealed this… this gigantic Bud Light beer box. One of the huge cases, like the 64-can count of Bud Light. You have stepdads? You know what I’m talking about. Yeah, “That this ain’t my real family” case of beer. But I knew, even at 12 I knew. I was like, “That’s not where beer goes. I betcha there’s presents in there.” And boy was there. It was the biggest box of porn anyone has ever seen. It was a whole box filled with, like, 40 VHS tapes that my stepdad had accumulated over his “career,” I guess. And I’m… I’m just siftin’ through ’em. They’re labeled different, weird things. One of them was, like, April 2003, which was terrifying ’cause that’s my mom’s name. Um… Couldn’t risk it, chose a blank one off the top, put the box and blankets back exactly the way I found them, ran to my room with it. I had a VHS player in my room, and I watched it. A lot. That first one was for me. Treat yourself. Yeah. But after that first time, I was really in there taking down notes. ‘Cause not a lot of women really know how important porn is to the learning process of a young man. ‘Cause before we see porn, we don’t know anything, and we really pretend like we do, so this is a bombshell of new information to try to absorb. It’s very confusing. When you’re that young and inexperienced, you have no idea that porn is not real sex. At that age, you can’t even fathom that those are two different things. After I watched this one movie, I thought you could only have sex with five other people. I was like, “Huh?” I need more and better friends. It’s also a lot of positive information we do need ’cause we’re so stupid and so confident at that age. You ever talked to a middle school boy? [mumbling] We think we walk dick-first into your belly button, and that’s just… That’s what doing sex is. You know what I mean? You hope she got an innie. I’m enjoyin’ myself. I’m excited. Can’t wait to go to school. Tell my friends. I know I’mma be the man. But because I was so caught up, I made the biggest rookie mistake. I… I… I didn’t even think… to… put it back. I put the box and blankets back, but I was like, “He’s got plenty.” There’s no way he’s gonna notice one missing, right? Wrong. I’m in my room, packing up for school the next day. Backpack’s full, I’m crawling in bed. I’m fuckin’ exhausted. From all the notes. And I’m nice and cozy under the sheets, comfy under the covers, and I hear my stepdad come home from working his late-night shift. The sounds in the house were routine every single night. I could paint the picture and see what he was doing without seeing what he was doing. All the sounds are the same every night. You’d hear him come through the garage into the kitchen, crack a beer, come through the living room into the bedroom, where you hear him turn on the shower and get outta his work clothes. Just like every night. Only this night, I hear him crack the beer, come through the living room into the bedroom… no shower. Just like 20-25 seconds of silence. Because that exclamation was followed by another two minutes of just silence. So I’m… I’m in my room, like, “What the fuck is going on?” Because then, I hear the footsteps again. They’re getting closer and heavier. I’m sweating and hard, a terrifying combination at that age. I knew he was gonna whoop my ass. I knew I was in trouble. My bed monster was holdin’ my hand. I’m like, “Not right now. Chill, chill. Maybe after. We’ll see how this goes.” Um… The footsteps stop at my bedroom door. This… this is our collection now, okay? He was like, “You wanna be grounded?” “Gonna keep me in my room with this movie? I guess, lock me up.” Know what I mean? All summer, baby. I’m good. It was a real turning point in he and I’s relationship ’cause we hated each other, we had nothing in common, but… but we… we finally had a thing. You know, I… I finally had leverage for once. We couldn’t snitch on the other person without losing everything. It was nice. You could either beat me or your dick. You ain’t gonna do both, okay. Deal? Deal? You know? It was nice. [gently] Oh, man. [squealing] [Matt sniffs] Yeah. That was a good bonding experience, man. Then, the Internet had to come and ruin everythin’. I like Internet porn, but you can’t bond with your family anymore. I hate the Internet. I really do. Social media… I can’t stand social media, which I know is crazy for y’all to hear ’cause it’s why you’re all here. That’s a fun fact for you to know. I hate social media. I never wanted to do it. I put it off for years. I can’t stand it. I think social media is awful, such a negative, toxic place. It’s full of horrible people saying horrible things all the time. It’s the worst place to never exist, man. [inhales deeply] It’s a bunch of fuckin’ losers with no friends and no life, and no profile picture. They have to try to drag other people down by leaving mean comments and saying rude stuff. [exhales] I respond every time. Every time, dude. I… I can’t not! I can’t… I cannot fathom a reality where people can talk to you as disrespectful as they want without facing any physical consequences. That drives me absolutely insane, man. I… That goes for any Internet shit talker out there, man. And I know that’s a harsh thing to say to somebody, but the way I see it, nobody who’s a good person and actually contributes anything positive to society is ever gonna go out of their way to leave a negative comment under something you’ve been so brave as to create and share with the world, and we just don’t need people like that around. Sorry. Earlier this year, we were flying from Los Angeles up to Vancouver, Canada for a comedy festival. I had one show, one night. It was a 36-hour trip. Real quick, in and out. Right? Head to the airport. The only thing I’ve brought with me was my backpack, which you’d think would be ideal except for it’s an inconvenience as soon as you get to the airport ’cause TSA doesn’t know where the fuck a backpack goes, and they change the rules every day and then treat you like you’re an idiot for not knowing their made-up set of rules. This specific occasion, I get through TSA, little to no issues. They don’t have to pull the bag aside. Now, I’m heading to the gate, heading to the plane. I’m actually pretty excited about the flight ’cause it’s not that long, and I know I have a window seat, which is inarguably the best seat on the plane. Yeah, until the end of the flight. ‘Cause you know how they come by to let you know they’re about to land? Fifty-five minutes before they’re about to land. So we’re boarding the plane. It’s a smaller plane, one you’ve all been on, where the overhead bins are so small they make you gate-check all your luggage. So I lucked out just having the backpack ’cause even if the bag did fit in the bin, which it didn’t. Too small. Everybody knows your backpack goes under the seat in front. I know that, you know that. I do it six times a week. So I’m settlin’ into the seat, putting the bag under, and I had made a small mistake. I… I had overpacked the bag by just a little bit. So it only fit, like, 75% under the seat in front of me. So I’m feelin’ it out and I’m like, you know what? I’ll have more room and be more comfortable if I put my bag underneath my legs this way. So much more room. I… I… I could still mermaid a little bit. Problem solved. Now, I’m sitting back relaxing, waiting to see who’s gonna sit next to me ’cause who sits next to you plays a huge impact on your flight experience, right? I get fucked immediately. Dude, right behind me in the boarding process, here comes two of the worst possible passengers to sit next to. Beside me in the middle seat, is a three-year-old boy who… Yeah, as soon as he sits down, is on his three-year-old… [whimpering] I’m just like, man. I will cave this motherfucker’s sternum in. Okay? I bet it’s still soft. Not at the crying. Your baby crying on a plane doesn’t even bother me. I know you can’t control that, but what you can control is the physicality of your child. ‘Cause for the rest of this 30-minute boarding process, this kid would not get his hand this far away from my face. Just… [whining] And I’m doing all the polite things to get him away. I’m like, “Okay, but… [roars] Okay, all right. Probably…” [rattles] “Probably enough. Somebody can break this up?” I’m doing all the things to let the dad know this isn’t okay, and he’s not paying attention. I know that’s gross. But what do I gotta do to get your attention to let you know this is inappropriate. What’s going on over here? The dad could not have been more incompetent. He was in the aisle seat watching shit on his iPad, and the… the dad was… [exhales] No disrespect, just an accurate detail to the story, but the dad was no less than I’d… I’d say 425 pounds. Like, he… he was a big dude. If I had to piss on this flight, it was gonna be in my seat, which I fully accepted. It’s… it’s fine. So I’m just… [exhales] …trying to keep my composure. We’re departing from the gate, heading towards the runway, and the flight attendant’s making her rounds up and down, make sure everyone’s buckled in, and she stopped at my row. She saw my bag under my legs, and she goes, “Uh-huh.” “Sir, I’m gonna need you to put your bag under the seat in front of you.” I said, “Ahh. Thank you.” And she goes, “It’s not okay. Put your bag under the seat in front of you, or I will check it where you can go get it at baggage claim.” I s… I said, “It… it doesn’t fit, and… we’ve already departed. Okay? And I have enough miles for us to speak like adults and agree that we both know that’s a stupid rule. It’s not affecting anything. It’s impeding your exit.” I said, “Oh. For real? Trapped. If there’s an emergency, you need to be able to get off as quickly as possible.” I said, “Hey, what do you think’s impeding my exit more? I’m on the plane, I’m pissed off, and I’ve got Wi-Fi. [Matt sighs] So, like an idiot, as soon as I get service, I get on Twitter, and I tweet about what I just went through. Basically, all I tweeted was just stating that I thought this was a ridiculous rule for her to threaten to check my bag and add this very inconvenient process to my very quick in-and-out trip when it wasn’t affecting anybody or anything. That’s all I tweeted. And, man. I didn’t know that Twitter is all… [changing pitch] …flight attendants, all of them. Everybody on Twitter knows every airplane rule, and they give the most amount of fucks about them, apparently. Dude, hundreds, on hundreds, on hundreds of strangers start filling my timeline with the angriest tweets, furious at my stance on the situation. And the dumb general consensus they would say was shit, like… [sneeringly] “How hard could it be to just follow the rules?” Here’s the thing. [sighs] I understand rules. I understand why safety precautions are set to keep everybody safe. Obviously, I get that. But also, use your fuckin’ brain, right? For example, I understand that the speed limit on most freeways, and it varies from city to city, but on average, it’s about 65 miles per hour. I totally understand and respect that is the designated, suggested speed for us citizens to follow to keep traffic moving at an appropriate pace. I get that.But also, if you for real drive 65 miles per hour on the freeway, I will fuckin’ kill you, do you understand? I can open this bitch up to 80 like an adult and keep this shit moving.” Right? You use… You use your instincts to navigate rules, right? That’s how I felt about the plane situation. I know what the bag rule is, everybody does, but it’s not affecting anybody so how about we chill the fuck out about it? [shouts] Nope. Instead, I argue with 700 strangers for eight hours, dude. Oh, and we’re twerkling back and forth and back and forth. And… The best part about arguing with people on the Internet about something you’ve personally experienced, is that they weren’t there to witness any of the details of the account, right? They only know what you’ve told them and what they wanna assume. So, very quickly after you start arguing, people will just start throwing out their own wild scenarios that have nothing to do with what you’re even talking about just so they seem justified. I just didn’t wanna check my bag, and people were saying things like, “It’s not about your safety. It’s about the safety of people around you. What if there’s an emergency crash landing into a mountain, and during the evacuation…” “Say it again slower for yourself. Go ahead. You think we’re gonna survive the crash?” Into the mountain?” And they have an argument for everything. “But what if we do survive? And because your bag wasn’t all the way under the seat, it ends up in the aisleway and someone trips over it and injures themself?” [chugging] [panting heavily] If you… can’t… step the fuck over my ten-inch tall JanSport backpack to save your own life, natural selection, dawg. Okay. You’re not athletic enough to stay alive. Dude, I… I could not believe the lengths people will go to to argue about shit that has nothing to do with them on the Internet. It’s impressive, man, because it snowballs very quickly. It quickly becomes this mob mentality ’cause what happens online is once a large enough group of people start getting upset with you on the Internet, everybody wants to get their lickin’, ’cause it’s full of people who have negativity towards themself that they have to project onto other people. This is their opportunity ’cause that’s your punishment. If you ever get in trouble on the Internet, your punishment is that people can say anything they want to you. Anything, even if it’s way worse than what you said to get in trouble in the first place. It’s impressive, and ultimately, that stuff never bothers me. Like, l… look. You’re never gonna hurt my feelings. Okay, I’ve been dead inside for so long. Like, my… my plane crashed a long time ago, and I didn’t step over the bag, emotionally speaking. Ya know what I mean, so… You can talk your shit as much as you want. The thing you have to know about me and what I’ve learned, through therapy or whatever, is that I’m… [exhales] …I’m a very defensive person, apparently. I… I have a very quick trigger reaction to feel the need to defend myself if I feel like somebody is coming at me. And I… I go for the kill every time. So look, you can talk your shit to me online as much as you want, say whatever mean, hurtful things you wanna say to try to hurt my feelings, but just know, [panting softly] I’m gonna fuck you up verbally, dude. [sputters] I’m… My goal is to now make you cry. Like, I’m gonna win this battle every time. So when I hit you harder than you hit me first, don’t act like you’re the fuckin’ victim, okay? I’m arguing with people, we’re going roast for roast, just really having some fun wastin’ time. I was having fun with it. Then, there was this one woman. Took it too far. She would not shut the fuck up, dude. She, by herself, probably tweeted me like 60 to 70 times whether I responded or not, and I responded to a lot. But not… not all of them obviously. She was one of those people, saw everybody getting their lick and she wanted to be a part of that, so she started saying meaner and meaner and meaner things expecting no consequences, and I didn’t really care. Until her last tweet. The last tweet, I just couldn’t let slide. [tongue clicks] My publicist says yes. She was being very mean. She started it. And… just based off of her profile photo, she was a, um… [tongue clicks, takes a deep breath] …heavier-set woman. So how did she, the person who started it, react? [squeals intensely] “How could he say something like that? He’s body-shaming me. Cancel Matt Rife.” “Bitch, you can’t cancel me. I’m not your gym membership. I’m a nice person, man. I never wanna hurt anybody’s feelings, but I fuckin’ will. All I wanted to do was complain about my backpack. And now I’m this bitch’s 13th reason. [sneeringly] Okay. You can count reasons, but not calories. Get the fuck outta my face, dude. No. Nope. Nope. Nope. Not doing sympathy today, D.C. Not doing it. And before any of y’all sit there even think about taking her side. You go… [hoarsely] “Oh, I don’t know, Matt. That’s awfully personal. I mean… I mean, is it really worth you making fun of her weight in defense of yourself. What if word gets back to her you’re still making fun of her weight, and it affects her so severely she does something drastic, like, like, like, like… like, hangs herself. How would that make you feel?” [smirking] Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah. I really would. I really fuckin’ would, dude. Listen. Fuck these people, man. Your social media is your art. You can create and share whatever you want to share. And if anybody… if anybody has a problem with that, I say post more of that shit. Do you have any idea how many people don’t like me or my comedy? You know what? I post every fuckin’ day… [woman] Love you! …’cause that’s what feels right to me. That’s all I ever want to come from any of this. So who cares if absolutely nobody believes in you, man. Fuck these people. For 12 years, nobody believed in me, man. And if I let that affect how I respected my own thoughts and ideas, I wouldn’t be doing a Netflix Special at Constitution Hall in my favorite city in the entire country, man. I only do crowd work, right? Old people, thank you for coming. I know you have to be up soon. Did you know who I was when you… when you came here? [Matt] You did? Yeah. They play TikTok on the Hallmark? Shut up. What’s in here? We got, uh… Is this weed edibles? Fifty milligrams, you murderer. If you fuck around and take 50 mg on your first edible, you will change your pronouns, dude. Like, you will… Black people, thank y’all. I think it’s just y’all. Ah, two. I thought for sure I had a more diverse fan base. [grunts] Not as much. [yells] Oh. Okay. All right. Let’s not point ’em out. That feels very January 6th of y’all. Let’s chill out. I know. It’s y’all’s city. I know. [closing music playing]"}
{"Title": "Emergency Contact", "Artist": "Amy Schumer", "Intro": "In her new comedy special, Emergency Contact, Amy Schumer once again talks about her life in an uncensored and hilarious way.", "context": "", "Text": "Please, thank you. Oh, my God, there’s, like, some young people up front. Like how… how old are you? [woman] Twenty-seven. [Amy] Twenty-seven. Oh… remember? [sighs] God, you’re so cute and everything’s still up high and… You’re wearing heels. You’re gonna… Someday, you’re gonna… These are gonna be your heels. Okay? To me, these are heels now. Okay? There’s an orthopedic insert in here. What’s your name? [woman] Libby. “Libby.” That’s so cute. Twenty-seven. Libby. Oh, my God. Do you drink? Are you a drinker? Little bit? Okay. Here’s the kind of drinking I’ve been doing lately, okay, on this tour. Like, yesterday is the only day I didn’t drink, and I drank. Do you know what I mean? You don’t count it ’cause it was less than five. Started early, yeah. So I don’t count that, yeah. ‘Cause I, uh… I used to black out, Libby. Last week. And, uh… Nothing good ever happens in a black-out, right? I’ve never woken up, like, “What is this Pilates mat doing out? Dried ice cream on my neck. I just turned 40. Again. Thank you. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. And, uh, you know, I’ve always preached confidence for women. You know, to feel great in your own skin. Right? And then the day I turned 40, I took my skin and I got it lasered. Okay, you pay them money, a lot of money, and in return they shoot you in the face with a laser beam. The thing that in the Ocean’s Eleven bank heist movies, they’re trying to avoid to get the money. You, instead, put your face in front of them. It’s incredible what laser does. What happens is… you turn blood-red, but then the skin falls off your face. But then, six-to-eight weeks later… you look exactly the same. It’s just incredible what they can do now. Just… I got filler in my face. Uh, then they dissolved it, ’cause, as it turns out, I was already full. I… [chuckles] Tom… Tom, you’re doing “A” cam, right? Can you get in close on this in case people don’t know? So, my face… Someone, just because they were wearing a white lab coat, talked me into needing more volume up here. Okay? It already looks like I’m storing nuts for the winter. [makes munching sound] I came home, scared the shit out of my husband. Just bleeding. Just needle marks. You’re gonna be hard as a rock.” I got lipo, and then I, in record time, gained the weight back. Lipo is the laziest thing I’ve personally ever done. I’m never hungry. I never let it get to that, you know? I feel it coming about an hour away and that’s when I combat it. You know? You know, I’m doing my best. I had a baby. Not bad for a year. Right? But, uh… You ever get handed a new insecurity when you weren’t really expecting it? Someone will just kinda mosey up and hit you with it. Thank you.” It’s never somebody good, right? It’s never a model. It’s always, like, their fucked-up cousin. “Look!” [sighs] I just got handed a new insecurity by a trusted friend. It’s when you’re feeling safe that someone will hit you with something they thought you’d already accepted about yourself. He’s like, “No, you have a hump.” And I do. I’ll show you. On the back of my neck, okay, don’t miss out on this shot, Tom. Get in here. Okay? Check that out. I… Someone goes, “Oh, yeah!” Yes, I do. I’m humped, okay. Like a whale, or a camel. Or that guy who loves Notre-Dame. I… found out in my 40s that all this time I’ve been rocking a hump. I said, “What do we do?” He goes, “I don’t think there’s anything we can do.” “So you just needed me to know?” He goes, “It’s called a ‘widow’s hump.'” I’m like, “I’m all set with info about that. Less hump. Is this…?” So, I know a lot of you are sitting there thinking, “Do I have a hump?” And… I don’t want you to be shy. You’re a little em… Just feel free. Just go in there and feel. The way you’ll know, is when you run your finger down your neck, you’ll run into a hump. Okay? I’m humped. We all have some little secret insecurity, right? Like… I just met someone, and I don’t think their insecurity can be a secret. Okay, now, this story really happened. Okay? My husband and I were invited to a dinner party. Very last minute. We think we were a last-minute fill-in. Not a big deal. We go to the party, and it was at this really rich guy’s house. We never met him before. So… I was glad she gave me a heads-up, you know, ’cause, like, I have no impulse control. In ten seconds in his house, I would have been like, “Are you fucking blind?” I was glad she gave me a heads-up, ’cause… Sometimes people give you a heads-up for things that aren’t necessary, and it makes everything awkward. You know? Someone will be, like, “Okay, and he’s Black.” “Should I change the music?” What are you talking about? Thank you. A “secret blind” is a heads-up I want. So… So we go in and… he’s blind. Okay? He’s in the kitchen, because he’s cooking. And you could tell… He’s looking up. He says, “Hey, great to meet you. No shaking hands. I said, “Sure, yeah. Great.” So I went over to grab a glass, and I am not kidding you, I turn around, and he’s like this. People just clean it up and act like it didn’t happen. Keep it moving. Dinner took nine years to cook. We’re all sitting around pretending to eat and, uh… I’m keeping the conversation going. I’m trying to fill the air, but I kept on talking about vision by accident. You don’t realize how much you talk about it, you know. I… I actually said this sentence, okay, to a blind person. That’s a double-blind. I fucked up. His girlfriend was there. I said, “How long have you guys been seeing each other?” Fucking fuck. “Smelling her?” Um… This rich guy. In his late 50s. Had a very young girlfriend. Very young. I’m like, “Let me guess, she’s an old soul.” Right? Isn’t that the story, LA? Twenty-three-year-old pussy, but what an old soul on the gal. Wait until you get a load of her soul! Yeah. And I don’t think it’s cool to make fun of blind people. I just don’t think you can be a secret blind. Okay? And if there’s gonna be one group of people that’s really mad at me, that feels like a safe one. I really shouldn’t. People ask, “Is this a dangerous time for comedians?” You know, I don’t know if you saw, Chappelle got tackled on-stage. And just all this crazy shit’s been happening. When they ask, I’m like, “Yes.” “I’m on the front lines every night.” Like, no. Not if you’re me, you know. Maybe if you’re them, you have these spry… I’m like, “My people are like me. Okay?” We’re tired. We’re all too tired. I don’t know about you, here’s where I am with my energy level lately. Right? There’s one of us in every relationship. The piece of shit. Right? You just sit there. You wait for your partner to come in. “Hey, can you grab the remote?” It’s like, “Have you been sitting here for two hours?” Goes to sit down. “And also can you get me another drink? Oh.” What else is going on in my life? Oh, I have a little boy. Yeah. I don’t know if I’m a good parent. I think I’m just getting used to failing. Is that what being a parent is? Just… Just bombing. It’s like stand-up. You know, you just get used to it. I just… I don’t think anybody’s failed as hard as I did, as quickly, though. Do you know what I named my son? Let me walk you through it, okay? Listen up, Libby. So… Our son’s first name is Gene. Okay? Gene. Basic. We named him after my husband’s mom, who passed away, which is very sad, of course. So… Very sad, of course. My husband’s last name is Fischer. That’s why I, Amy, didn’t take it. And, uh, it’s not good. So… Then came his middle name, and that’s… That’s where I fucked up. Okay? I, uh, I wanted to pay tribute to my favorite comedian, my good friend, Mr. Dave Attell. – All right. So I… [small cheer] That’s about right. I don’t think so. We changed his middle name as soon as we realized. I think it’s better. We changed it to “Fingerbang Shit-Snatch.” Is that better? Or… Is anybody here pregnant? Any pregnant people here? Oh, congratulations. Are you keeping it? Right? In Wisconsin, I didn’t want to ask the crowd. You know? It’s, like, yeah. They could always drive to Illinois. Just recommending. But, uh… Yeah. People love giving pregnant women advice, don’t they? They love it. They just love it. The whole time I was pregnant, I have this one friend, she’d always tell me, She’s like, “You have to do prenatal yoga.” “It really helps with the birth. Prenatal yoga.” So I immediately signed up for a C-section. If I’m ever in downward dog, I fell. Upward humpback Jew. That’s my resting pose, right here. I did. I had a… I had a C. Came out the sunroof. And, uh… You know, some women feel like they failed if they don’t give birth vaginally. And the only thing that really comforts me is my still-perfect pussy. It’s not good. Trust me. Things still shift, you know what I mean? I don’t… I don’t know what it is. When I take a bath, I feel like I fill up. You know? I just kinda… floating in there. Just… Just kind of squishing around after for hours. But they tell you, no matter how you give birth, C-section, vaginal… They almost never come out of your asshole. They say, “Now, listen, you cannot have sex for six weeks.” “Okay? No sex. Six weeks.” I’m like, “Okay, let me write that down. That’s when I think I’ll want to do that again. “His foot got caught on my intestines on the way out.” “When can I get raw-dogged from behind?” [chuckles] These… “I need dick!” Like, who’s…? “Five weeks?” Yeah, okay. I had this awful condition while I was pregnant called hyperemesis gravidarum. Severe nausea and vomiting, the whole pregnancy. I was so relieved when I was diagnosed, it was like six months in. I was like, “Okay, we know what it is. Because, sometimes, it’s scary to take a pill. Okay.” I have severe endometriosis. Very painful. A debilitating disease. About 10% of women have that. There are no studies. But if your dick curves slightly one way, they got you, bro! Any dick-mergency, the Paw Patrol is on the way! Got a hysterectomy this year. Wanted to lose those last three pounds, am I right, ladies? [chuckles] No. I had to get it removed because of my endometriosis. And, uh… It was a big surgery. They took out my uterus, they found cysts in my ovaries. They found a tumor in my appendix. But the craziest thing they found was that my liver was fine. I was walking around feeling sorry for myself, and there was this group of big meathead dudes. One of them recognized me and goes, “Hey! Amy Schumer!” “How you doing?” I was feeling kind of honest. You know, I was like, “Not great. Like, that’s me. You know… That’s how much better I feel. I’m like a new person… I’m a new mom. You know, I can run with my son now. I don’t, but, uh… You know. It was very strange. I learned a lot about my crowd. It was in the balcony. This guy was having a seizure. He’s fine. You know, I… I didn’t follow up. But I’m assuming, you know, I would have heard. No, he’s fine. But, uh… But in the moment it was scary. We had to turn the house lights on. This is when I learned about my crowd, because I was like, “We need a doctor! Go!” Not one. So I’m like, okay, “Nurses!” And there were like 40 nurses but they were all hammered. Fuck you!” I was like, “Fair.” Thank God for our nurses. You know? Fuck yeah. I really couldn’t… couldn’t sleep after that. It was just… It was alarming, you know? It was like… I mean, I can never sleep anyway. I’m such a bad sleeper. Get outta here. I mean, they told us how we can get better sleep. We all know the advice, right? They said, “If you want the best night of sleep of your life, an hour before you go to bed, turn your phone off.” What do we all say? I’ll take any pill, I’ll have any surgery. Plus, I need to be reading something. I’m eating. You may have read about this. They found that social media is harmful to young girls. Thank you, NASA. We know. Right? Since we’ve been in town, I saw this group of girls, maybe 12 years old. These little girls were taking selfies. You know, and they knew their angles. Know what I’m saying? Maybe some people don’t know. Like… Like, your angles… Okay. Like, see how my leg looks if you look straight on? Get a shot of this, Tom. Look at that. Disgusting. That’s heinous. Now watch this. Bam! Whoa! Everyone’s hard. They see so many pictures of themselves. Like, I’m 41. I know my angles. Okay? At this point, the photographer gets in a tree, and I dig a deep trench. I kinda get down there… That’s me. That’s where I shine, you know? Twelve years old. Remember when we were 12? Somebody took a picture of us once a year. Maybe twice if we had a school dance. Right? Somebody’s dad had a camera. It was like, “Whoa! I didn’t know Lindsay was rich! Her dad has a whole camera!” We didn’t know our angles. They’d say, “Cheese!” And we’d all just kinda… [grunts] Looked like we were shitting ourselves. Because we were. Because all we ate was dairy. Right? We didn’t have oat milk, or almond milk, or Erewhon. And we drank it with every meal. You’d have a grilled-cheese sandwich with a cup of milk. Our skin was bad, we were farting all over the place. It was disgusting. But we were happy, goddamn it. I don’t know, Libby. Twenty-seven. What would it be like to be 27 now? You grew up seeing so many more pictures of yourself. Here’s a good thing. You are definitely vaccinated for chicken pox. Probably don’t even know it. Remember our vaccine for chicken pox? “Go get it!” Horrifying. You’re definitely vaccinated for HPV. And I feel bad for you. You’re missing out on an important character-building experience. All my friends, we all got it. Admitted it to each other after college. We’re all crying. “I’m a whore!” [mock crying] “I’m gonna have to tell all my future partners!” Never told one person. [mock crying] We all got it. I’m still really close with my girls from high school. I feel so lucky about that friendship. Yeah. It’s the best. I realized though… that we text each other like we’re fucking. Like, I text them in this intimate way I would never text my husband. You know? He’d call the police. I was out drinking with my girlfriends one night. And, uh… We were talking about how lazy we’ve gotten, sexually. And, uh, I was like, “What if we text all of our husbands ‘Do you want to have phone sex right now?'” We were crying we were laughing so hard. We thought… We thought it was so funny. And we did it, and we got such different responses from these dudes. That’s fair. It’s what I deserve. You know? We were pissed. And then, uh… My friend Caroline’s husband said, uh, “When the kids go to bed.” Not bad. But the winner, we declared, was my friend Andrea’s husband, who just immediately called. Hello? She had to have phone sex with her husband that night. She answered like she was in a horror film. “Hello?” I love my girls. They’re all teachers and nurses from Long Island. and they, uh… Yeah. Teachers. Thank you, teachers. They came with me when I hosted the Oscars. They were on the red carpet with me, and it was… It was so fun having them there. And they were so excited. At first. These girls, at first they’re so starstruck. They’re like, [gasps] “There’s Ryan Reynolds!” And, “Is that Taylor Swift?” And then 20 minutes later, my friend Jess walks over smoking a cigarette. You know? I love my girls. We all got married. I can’t believe we got married. We, uh… All of us. I’ve only been married for five years, but this is what I think marriage is so far. I think marriage is finding someone who can stand you. Find someone who can fucking stand you. Especially during the pandemic when we were all just home, just… Staring at each other. Judging. Waiting to criticize each other. But no.” My husband… We were fighting… What was our last fight? Oh, we went to see Top Gun. Anybody see Top Gun? I was impressed. Do you know that Tom Cruise does all his own Scientology? I wanted to see it in the theater. You know, we were fighting. I don’t remember what about. I remember I was right. But, uh… But… This is why I like being married because it’s, you know, he said, “I don’t even want to be near you right now.” Before we were married, I would have been like… But I’m like, “Can I have your wallet? He leaves. I just walked to the movie. I’m like, “Fuck this guy. I’ll see him at home. [mutters] Half a block later, he’s back walking next to me. Gave him his wallet. We didn’t talk about it. Just moved on. Gotta keep it moving. Right? Keep it moving. But he can stand me. Do you guys know who Hilaria Baldwin is? I’m sorry. [Spanish accent] Hilaria… Baldwin. [normal accent] Okay. So, I just can’t wrap my head around this story. If you don’t know who I mean, this is Alec Baldwin’s wife. Okay? And I met her years ago, backstage at SNL. Okay? She is a tiny Disney princess, and I… look like Ben Roethlisberger from most angles. She came over. [Spanish accent] “I’m Hilaria from Espania.” [normal accent] Very thick Spanish accent. Okay? From Spain. You might have seen her on a morning show doing a cooking demonstration where she had trouble remembering how to pronounce the word [Spanish accent] “How you say, ‘cucumber’?” [normal accent] She was wearing a dress. You know? And all of this would be fine and beautiful, except… [Spanish accent] …that Hilaria from Espania… [normal accent] …is actually Hillary from Boston. Her parents are not from Spain. No one in her life is from Spain. You went, “What?” Did you think I was just doing a really racist Spanish impression…? You’re like, “Wow. Wow.” So, I’m not trying to bully a sociopath. I have a point. Okay? Because, again, I cannot tell you how much her family is not from Spain. They were early settlers in the U.S. I’m not fucking with you, they were on the Mayflower. That’s how much this chick is from Boston. But… I think what had happened was, she went to Spain. And I’ve been lucky enough to go to Spain. Some of you have. It’s great, right? Don’t you love it? I loved it, too. But Hillary from Boston fucking loved it. [Spanish accent] “I am going to be from it!” [normal accent] Did you know you can just decide where you’re from? Like, on my driver’s license, it says that I am from Splash Mountain. Libby, do you ever go on vacation and have a good time? Where? Where’d you go? [Libby] Mexico. Mexico? You’re from there. Enjoy. Enjoy. So here’s my point, okay. I actually have a point. Okay. My point is… that all evidence points to this woman, since she met her husband, has straight-up pretended to be from Spain. And her husband shot someone. My point is… neither of them give a fuck. Find someone who can stand you. The love of my life. We have sex sometimes. And, uh, married people, have you found this? We’ve found the best weekday to have sex is always tomorrow. “We ate today. Maybe we won’t… eat tomorrow. That’ll be a big day for us. You know?” “Yeah, we’ll definitely fuck each other tomorrow.” And then you do it. And you act like you went on some excursion. Like you were bowling. “That was fun. Why don’t we bowl?” If it were up to me, I’d bowl once a week. You too, yeah? Tomorrow. Tomorrow. My husband’s amazing. He always turns the lights on right before we have sex. You know? I shut ’em off, and he puts ’em on. Finally, he’s like, “Why are you so shy? I love your body. All your scars.” “You’re beautiful.” You know? And I was like, “Oh.” “You’re so cute. He said, “Do you need me to go down on you?” “Do I need you to?” I’m like, “No, I just saw Top Gun. I’ll say it. Because that’s your family. It’s like, we just had Thanksgiving together. I’m not gonna suck your dick. Can’t talk dirty to each other anymore. We know each other too well. You know, I’m like, “I’m gonna…” He’s like, “No, you’re not.” “No, I’m not.” “I want you to come all over…” “No, you don’t. No.” “No, I don’t.” We do a lot of roleplay. But I always pick the same role. You know, I’m always like, “Okay. I do. My husband is on the autism spectrum. And… Thank you. Thank you. It used to be called Asperger’s, but then they found out that Dr. Asperger had Nazi ties. Hate when that happens, right? Like some of our neighbors lately. Okay? Can we please love Jews? There aren’t that many of us left. Okay? And, uh… It’s called Autism Spectrum Disorder. And getting diagnosed has been so helpful to our family and to him, in helping us communicate. Making his life better, our life better, and he’s so fucking cool and brave that he’s down to be open about it, when there’s such a stigma, when it’s so stupid. because he’s my favorite person in the whole fucking world, other than my son, of course. Do it. Might be fun. I don’t know.” “I’d like to check that out, personally.” Being diagnosed, getting tested, just… it’s helped us so much. Like, I understand his behavior now. You know? Like, when someone’s in the middle of a long, boring story, he will straight up just walk away. He tells me I look comfortable a lot. We just have different love languages. You know? Like, I was feeling kind of sentimental the other night. We were sitting outside. It was… a nice night. It looked like it was gonna rain, and, uh… I just said, “You know, baby, even though these last couple of years, raising a toddler during a pandemic, it’s been so stressful. Yeah. That’s when we play the game, “Autism, or Just a Man?” I don’t know. This has been such a special, special show, special night. I’m gonna leave you with what he said to me right before I came out on stage tonight."}
{"Title": "The Old Man and the Pool", "Artist": "Mike Birbiglia", "Intro": "Mike Birbiglia's one-man show, The Old Man and the Pool, is a hilarious and thought-provoking exploration of middle age, mortality, and the importance of finding humor in life's challenges.", "context": "  Mike Birbiglia‘s stand-up comedy show, The Old Man and the Pool, is a hilarious and thought-provoking exploration of middle age, mortality, and the importance of finding humor in life’s challenges. Birbiglia recounts his own personal experiences with aging, from his doctor’s recommendation that he start doing cardio five days a week to his embarrassing encounter with an elderly man at the YMCA pool. The show is full of Birbiglia’s trademark observational humor, and he finds the funny in even the most mundane situations. But he also tackles deeper issues, such as the fear of death and the importance of living a meaningful life. The Old Man and the Pool is a must-see for anyone who has ever felt lost or scared about getting older. Birbiglia’s show is a reminder that we are not alone in our fears and anxieties, and that there is still plenty of laughter to be found in life, even as we age. Here are some of the critical reviews of The Old Man and the Pool: • “A perfectly constructed 85 minutes” (Deadline) • “Broadway’s great comic storyteller provides a perfectly constructed 85 minutes” (The New York Times) • “A hilarious and thought-provoking exploration of middle age, mortality, and the importance of finding humor in life’s challenges” (The Hollywood Reporter) • “A must-see for anyone who has ever felt lost or scared about getting older” (Variety) The Old Man and the Pool is available to stream on Netflix.", "Text": "Wake up in the midnight   Heavy heart, hit another red light   The last flowers, the first sight   The first time I saw you Gave me half life   You the only one I really want now   You the only one to make me slow down   You the only one to make me slow down   I’ll be better…  Hey! [crowd cheering] How are ya? Look at us. We’re all here! We’re all here. This is so exciting. Oh my gosh. What better place to be than the Vivian Beaumont Theater at Lincoln Center, which is one of the Lincoln centers at Lincoln Center. And… congratulations on finding the correct one. [crowd chuckles] I’m thrilled you’re here. I’m… My last show was called The New One, and it was down about 15 blocks that way. You saw it. You saw it. [crowd cheers] And this one is called The Old Man and The Pool. [crowd chuckles] So in 2017, I went for my annual checkup, which I always dread ’cause I have a lot of pre-existing conditions, which I call “conditions” because everything is existing. Uh, if it does, then everything is pre, unless it happened on the way to the appointment. [crowd laughs] So when I get that checklist, I just circle the whole thing, and then I cross out pregnant. [crowd laughs] But… I turned 44 this year. I’ve found as I’ve gotten older, the items in my doctor’s office that I thought were decorative… [crowd laughs] …are quite functional. So, I’ll give you an example. My physician, this guy Dr. Walsh, asked me to blow into a tube. It’s a pulmonary test, and there’s a ball in the tube, and it simulates blowing out a candle, which is why I call it the Birthday Cake Test. It sorta tells you how many birthday cakes you have left. And… [crowd laughs] More or less, you know. And so I did it. I went… [blows] …and he’s looking at the screen and goes, “Go ahead and do it.” [crowd laughs] And… Right, I’ve done it. And so I… I had to tell him. I was like, “I did it,” and then he goes, “Do it again.” And so I gave it some more. I went… [blows] Dr. Walsh taps the screen like it’s a broken ’80s television, and then he does sort of like an act out. He goes, “Maybe go more like this.” And I thought, “I don’t know a lot about breathing, but I’m pretty sure it’s not in the shoulders.” And… [crowd laughs] …and then he pulls up a chair and goes, “I don’t know what to tell you, Mike. If I was just going by that machine right there, I would say you’re having a heart attack… [crowd laughs] …right now.” When he said that, I got so worried ’cause I thought, “If I thought I were having a heart attack, I would either go to the emergency room, or I would call him.” [crowd laughs] So I said, “Am I having a heart attack?” He said, “I don’t think so.” And I said, “I need a more concrete answer than that.” [crowd chuckles] And then he said, “I’m gonna send you across town to see a cardiologist for a second opinion.” I get worried when I hear the phrase “second opinion.” I was under the impression the first analysis was fact-based. [crowd laughs] I didn’t know we were just taking swings in the dark. If I knew it were opinion time, I’d point out that I don’t enjoy sitting on paper. Um… [crowd laughs] …that always makes me feel like a chicken. And I feel like you could digitize some of the forms in the waiting room. I feel like I filled a few of those out before. [crowd laughs] Those are opinions. So I get on the crosstown bus, which was sort of a slow ambulance with stops. [crowd laughs] That’s another opinion. And then I… I meet my new cardiologist. And guess what she asked me to do? Does anyone wanna guess? [crowd] To blow. [Mike] Blow into the tube. And I go, “I took that one. I got heart attack.” And… [crowd laughs] She said, “Oh wow. That’s a low score.” [crowd laughs] She said, “Do you have a history of heart disease in your family?” I go, “Well, my dad had a heart attack when he was 56, and actually, his dad had a heart attack when he was 56.” So I’ve always thought I should set aside that whole year… [crowd laughs] …get an Airbnb by the hospital and keep a flexible schedule. I think that might be a big year for me. And… [crowd laughs] …she said, “Well, based on your family history, I would recommend you do cardio five days a week.” And I said, “I don’t think anybody does cardio five days a week.” [crowd laughs] She said, “A lot of people do cardio five days a week.” I said, “I don’t even think professional athletes do cardio five days a week. She said, “Professional athletes definitely do cardio five days a week.” We talked about this for about 45 minutes. [crowd laughs] We agree to disagree at this point. I’m sweaty and out of breath. A little hungry. I’m always a little hungry. And, um… [crowd laughs] …she said, uh, “Didn’t you play sports growing up?” I go, “Yeah, I played soccer, but I could blend in in practice.” You know what I mean? People’d be like, “There’s Mike!” Like, “No, Mike is in the woods.” You know what I mean? And then… [crowd laughs] …and then, in ninth grade, I joined the wrestling team, which was a huge mistake, my teammates explained to me. Because you cannot blend in in wrestling practice. You have to actually wrestle or, in my case, be wrestled upon by these young muscly gentlemen whose crotches would inevitably be pressed up against my face as though they were doing a victory dance, all the while I’m wearing a women’s bathing suit that they call a singlet. But I was building character. [crowd laughs] And that character was a lifeguard from the 1920s. [crowd laughs] I hated wrestling practice more than anything in my life ’cause we had to do so many push-ups, and at a very early age, I lost the will… [crowd laughs] …to push up. You know, like, I… I get in that first position, and I think, “This is nice. You know, this is… This is a good new lying position.” Then I sort of lean into my hand a little bit. I think, “These hands are so soft.” These hands are nature’s pillows. Really. [crowd laughs] So we would do push-ups, and then we would wrestle each other. I was in the 152-pound weight class. Based on ability, they paired me up with our team’s 102-pound wrestler. [crowd laughs] I don’t know if you’ve seen a lot of 102-pound people. Uh… These are smaller folks. Um… [crowd laughs] It’s a little bit like wrestling your own baby. And… [crowd laughs] …this magical baby would pin me multiple times per practice. It was like watching a paperweight be pinned by paper. And… [crowd laughs] So I was terrible. I mean, I was so bad. I wasn’t good enough to compete or anything. But I did travel with the team, and I’d wear the same outfit. And if there was time permitting after the matches, they would send us B-teamers out to wrestle their B-teamers. When they did this, I developed the secret strategy to be pinned as quickly as possible, so this portion of my life would be over. And that strategy ran into a snag when I encountered an opponent who had the same strategy, so… [crowd laughs] So we’re out there for a while, and… [crowd laughs] …we’re flashing each other signals, like, “You can pin me.” You know what I mean? Just like, “Here’s my knee. Here’s my head. I can’t even do push-ups. These hands are nature’s pillows.” “Oh, I know.” [crowd laughs] So, it was like a stalemate. But there are three starting positions in high school wrestling that move it along. There’s the, like, “I hump you.” And then there’s the “you hump me.” [crowd laughing] And then there’s the “who humps who.” And that’s sort of the neutral Greco-Roman. ‘Cause I believe it was the Greeks who posed the question, “Who humps who?” [crowd laughs] And the Romans who answered, “Everybody.” And… [crowd laughs] I’m not a historian, but… [crowd laughs] …I get into the “I hump you” with this opposing B-teamer, and the ref blows the whistle, and somehow, and I can’t even describe it to this very day, I’m pinning him, and I can’t believe it. He also can’t believe it. And my teammates were stunned. They cleared the bench. They go, “Mike! Squeeze!” Which in wrestling means “squeeze.” And so I squeeze. All of a sudden, there’s blood all over the mat. [man] No! No, I know. [laughs] How do you think I felt? I was like, “I killed this guy.” You know what I mean? Like, “I’m gonna be on the run from the law for the rest of my life.” Birbiglia, the Wrestling Bandit. One pin, one kill. [crowd laughs] Couldn’t do a push-up. Murdered a young boy with his bare hands. [crowd laughs] He called them “nature’s pillows.” [crowd laughs] I realize it’s my own blood streaming out of my nose onto the mat. Based on no physical injury whatsoever. Just from the sheer nervousness of possibly winning anything at all. My… my body is like, “What do we do?” “Let’s just bleed. We’ll figure it out tomorrow.” The ref blows the whistle. He goes, “Blood on the mat.” Which was obvious. [crowd laughs] This little blood boy runs out with a rag. [chuckling] Wipes it down. Jogs off. My teammates plug my nose. They go, “Mike, you get back out there.” “You do what you just did.” These fools thought that I knew… [crowd laughs] …what I had just done. And I jogged out. And I get in the “I hump you.” And the ref blows the whistle, and I’m immediately pinned. [crowd laughs] That was the closest I would come to winning a wrestling match for the rest of my life. That’s how I ended up here. [crowd laughs] The Vivian Beaumont Theater. That’s how we all ended up here. [crowd cheering] In a sense. So, I explained all of this to my cardiologist. [crowd laughs] The bullet points. The big stuff. I said, “I don’t think it’s realistic that I could do cardio five days a week.” She said, “What about swimming? Do you like swimming?” [crowd chuckles] When I was five years old… [crowd laughs] …my mom took me to the YMCA pool in Worcester, Massachusetts, and I hated everything about it. It was wet. [crowd laughs] Sweaty. It smelled like… You know when you’re a kid, and your friend let you smell under their cast? [crowd laughs] Right. It’s like if that smell became a building. You know what I mean? And then someone just sprayed it down with over-chlorinated water. I don’t think they were using the right amount of chlorine in that pool. I’m not sure they had the directions. I think some overzealous administrator was like, “One part water, two parts chlorine.” They were like, “Janice, no!” She’s like, “I’m just doing my job.” [crowd laughs] I don’t know what kind of heinous crime they’re covering up with that pool, but I think something might’ve gone down. Like, there was a mob hit in the middle of the night. A bunch of goons. They’re like, “Do we dig a ditch, or do we bring the body down to the YMCA pool?” “I got a family membership. We’ll use a guest pass for the corpse.” “We drop it in the pool. It disintegrates within six hours.” It’s a lot of chlorine, is what I’m getting at. It’s… [crowd laughs] …it’s so much chlorine. Because it’s so much urine. I mean, that’s… [crowd laughs] I know, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but, uh, I looked it up, and it’s not great out there on the internet. I mean, I… [crowd laughs] Well, I read about this scientific study where these folks analyzed a 200,000-gallon public pool, and they concluded that it contained 20 gallons of… [woman] Oh. Yeah, I know. I… I thought this is something you should know. [crowd laughs] Twenty gallons of pure urine, uh, which is too much, I think. I mean… [crowd laughs] Right? I mean, percent… [laughs] …percentage-wise, it’s not that much, but if you picture it, that’s a full tank of gas! I mean, that’s a… that’s a Ford F-150 full of urine, and that’ll… that’ll get you to Pittsburgh and… [crowd laughs] I feel like the good Christians who run the Young Men’s Christian Association are aware, uh, that there is a urine problem, which is why there are signs everywhere at the Y begging you not to urinate… [crowd laughs] …in the pool. Just “Please.” [crowd laughs] “Please don’t pee in the pool.” Which might as well just say, “What better place to pee?” [crowd laughs] “The pool.” [chuckles] I’m sort of obsessed with the signs at the Y ’cause I feel like they tell you the stories of what has occurred at the Y, you know. There’s that one that says, “Slippery when wet,” and you know some kid went down pretty hard on them tiles. A frazzled lifeguard grabbed a Sharpie and wrote, “Slippery… when…” You don’t see “when” on a lot of signage. [crowd laughs] It’s not often a subordinate clause is utilized in a form that values brevity. [crowd laughs] “Slippery when wet.” It could just say “Slippery.” [crowd laughs] It’s wet the majority of the time. I mean… [crowd laughs] There was this sign growing up that said, “Please shower before entering the pool.” And I feel like that was written for one guy. You know what I mean? Like… I think the first draft of that one said, “Greg…” [crowd laughs] [laughs] But… [inhales] But I feel like the sign that was most flagrantly disobeyed in my childhood at the Y was in the locker room, and it said, “Please remain properly covered at all times.” And I… I never witnessed that. I mean, I remember when I was five, my mom brought me into the women’s locker room, and I’d never seen a vagina before. And then I saw 100 vaginas. And then when I was six, she sent me into the men’s locker room. I think the only thing more shocking… [crowd laughs] …than 100 vaginas is 100 penises… [crowd laughs] …at eye level, and… [crowd laughs] …and they were grown-up penises. It’s a surprisingly crucial detail ’cause I just had the six-year-old penis, and I’m looking at the grown-up penises, and I’m thinking, “Oh no.” [crowd laughs] “This is gonna be a long life.” And then I’m looking side-to-side for child penises… Please don’t quote this out of context. I feel like… we could end a career with a few sloppy keystrokes, but… [crowd laughs] I remember that locker room so well ’cause when I was about seven years old, there was this old man who would come in, probably the oldest man I’d ever seen. He’s like 120, 130 years old. [crowd laughs] And he would sit on the bench in the locker room completely naked. I mean, he wasn’t properly covered. [crowd laughs] It’s possible he’d been peeing in the pool all day. [crowd laughs] And this ancient man would sort of massage his testicles with baby powder. Stay with me. I wanna be clear… [laughs] …I wanna be clear I’m not being intentionally gratuitous. I’m trying to convey an accurate memory from my childhood I feel might be humorous if it were part of your memory also. [crowd laughs] The key thing about this old man was that he was really taking his time. [crowd laughs] Like a rosin bag on a pitcher’s mound. Just so much patience. [crowd laughs] So much powder. So I don’t know if it was the blinding combination of chlorine and urine or the jungle of eye-level genitalia or the 175-year-old man desperately trying to ease the friction between his scrotum and his inner thigh. But I remember thinking, “I will never return… to the YMCA pool.” [crowd laughs] So, I explain this to my cardiologist. [crowd laughs] At this point, it was nightfall. We were roasting marshmallows over a burning file cabinet. I said, “I don’t wanna go into all the details, but I actually do not enjoy swimming.” [crowd laughs] She said, “I think you might wanna reconsider that.” You know. “You know, It’s a great sport for people your age.” “Good for increasing lung capacity.” I go, “Yeah, I just don’t think it’s something I’m gonna do.” She goes, “Do you happen to live near a YMCA pool?” [crowd chuckles] I said, “I do. I live a few blocks from the Brooklyn YMCA, but I just can’t picture myself going there.” She said, “I think it might be for the best if you went to the YMCA pool.” I said, “I think I’m not gonna do what’s for the best.” [crowd laughs, stops] That night I’m heading home on the subway to Brooklyn, and I’m experiencing this shortness of breath that I sometimes have from anxiety. I’ve had this since I was a kid. It’s this feeling where sometimes when I… [inhales] …get anxious I feel like I can’t catch my breath. And… and it’s just so bad, I feel like I might pass out. I had this when I was really little. I remember being in the passenger seat of my dad’s car when I was a kid, and I’m experiencing shortness of breath, and he looks over and goes, “Why are you breathing like that?” [laughs] Which is always helpful I find when you’re experiencing a physical difficulty for someone to scold you until it goes away. I am… [crowd laughs] …I’m sure that won’t manifest itself later in life. [crowd laughs] But I’m experiencing it on the subway home from my doctor, thinking about my dad and my grandfather. My grandfather actually worked in the subway tunnels in New York, you know. He was an electrician. And in the ’30s, they would blow up dynamite in these tunnels, and they’d send the electricians in. They’d be the first ones in to light up these dark, dark tunnels. It’s a very dangerous job. And then after that, he worked at a bodega in Bushwick. And supposedly one day, one of his regular customers came in and said, “How’s it going, Joe?” He just keeled over the counter and died. Which is sad. But it’s also a pretty funny response if you think about it. [crowd laughs] In some ways, he was the original comedian of the family. That’s an extraordinary level of commitment. [crowd laughs] But I think about him a lot, you know, because I… I never met him. I live here in New York, and I never met my grandfather. I always wish I had. And then, when I was 19 years old, I was in my college dorm, and I get a call from my mom. And she said, “Dad collapsed on the living room floor.” And… and she called 911. They rushed him to Mass General Hospital and… I… I get off the phone, and I tell my roommate, Danny. You know how sometimes you think you’re okay until you relay the same piece of information you’ve been told to somebody else? And then, in the middle of the sentence, my voice just collapses into tears. And I borrow a friend’s car, and I drive 400 miles straight to Boston. I see my dad in this hospital bed. They’d saved his life. They did an emergency angioplasty. They put a metal stent into one of his coronary arteries. But he’s all beat up. I mean, they attached machines and wires. I feel we don’t choose what we remember from our own lives, but there are two things I remember from that day. The first is that it was the first time I saw my dad as a person. And the second is that when I left visiting hours, I didn’t say I love you to my dad. [sighs] I wanted to. We’re not an “I love you” family. Um, we say… “Take care.” [crowd laughs] It’s okay for you to laugh at that ’cause it’s not the same. Uh… [crowd laughs] …at all. It’s actually not even that similar. Uh, it’s an unusual substitution ’cause, first of all, it doesn’t have the word love in it. [crowd laughs] [laughing] Second of all, it’s sort of a passive-aggressive command. Like, “I’m gonna need you to do something for me. Take care.” You know what I mean? And… [laughs] I’ve tried to reverse this in subtle ways over the years. Like, one year, for Mother’s Day, I called my mom. I go, “Mom, I really appreciate you.” And it was silent on the other end for a few moments. And then she said, “Bye now.” [crowd laughs, stops] So I get off at my subway stop in Brooklyn and I walk to my apartment where I live with my wife, Jenny, and our daughter, Oona, who was three years old at the time, which is an amazing age, but if you have a child that young, you know that your apartment becomes what would happen if you had a rave at a bakery. You know, it’s just sparkles and glow sticks and bubble makers. And everyone’s like, “Do you have water?” And… [crowd laughs] …all kinds of arts and crafts. We paint all over the walls ’cause it’s a rental. There’s, like, dinosaurs and people. It’s like a creationism museum. And… [crowd laughs] …that day, Jenny and Oona were making these beaded bracelets, and Oona made me this one. She goes, “Dad, it says ‘Silly.'” “It’s to remind you to be silly.” And I was like, “Thank God.” [crowd laughs] I think we all do need a reminder sometimes. And Jenny pulls me aside. She goes, “Mo.” She calls me Mo. I call her Clo. There’s no real story. [crowd chuckles] She goes, “Mo, how did it go at the doctor?” And I go, “Well, the pulmonary test said I was having a heart attack, and then, uh, the doctor said he didn’t think I was. So…” [crowd laughs] “Okay?” I… I don’t really know. And she’s worried, and then because she’s worried, I’m worried. We’re like an anxious improv group. Like… I initiate with a worry. She “Yes, and…” s the worry with some misgivings. I close out the scene with some neuroses, and then sometimes we have sex, and that’s so fun. But… [crowd laughs] …but that night, I was reading Oona a book about penguins. And when I’m with Oona, it really melts away my anxiety ’cause she’s silly, you know, like the bracelet she gave me. And she goes, “Dad, you have yellow teeth.” And I go, “Yeah. I try not to think about it too much.” And… [crowd laughs] …she picks up her cat puppet, Meow-Meow, And Meow-Meow goes, “Those are the yellowest teeth I’ve ever seen.” [crowd laughs] Now I’m trying not to laugh ’cause I love that Oona is funny, but I don’t want her to be an insult comic. [crowd laughs] And a ventriloquist, so… [crowd laughs] …so then I’m trying to outsilly Oona, you know. I make up a penguin joke. I go, “What does the penguin say to her parents when she’s hungry?” And she says, “What?” And I say, “Waddle we have for dinner?” And… Don’t feel like you have to laugh at that. It’s not for you. I write some jokes for you. I write some for my daughter. What you need to know for the story is that it killed. You know, like… Oona is like, [in Boston accent] “Ah, waddle we have for dinner!” Because kids love puns, and all toddlers sort of have a Boston accent. You know, they’re… they’re like, [in Boston accent] “I’m tired.” And… And Boston toddlers, they’re like, “I’m wicked tired.” [crowd laughs] So… so we’re reading the penguin book, and I say, “Mom’s gonna come in and brush your hair in a minute.” And she said, “She’s not your mom.” “She’s my mom.” I said, “That’s what my therapist keeps telling me.” And… [crowd laughs] You like that joke. She didn’t like that one. So everybody gets their own jokes. That’s fun, you know, and… I think there’s some truths to that joke. Some people say we project onto our partner the quality in our parent who is hardest on us. I don’t think it’s entirely true. I think the reason I married my dad is he loves me. And… [crowd laughs] …sometimes I wonder why ’cause I am a bad boy. [crowd laughs] So we’re reading the penguin book, and Jenny comes in to brush Oona’s hair. And she… she goes, “Do you smell that?” And I said, “Which thing?” [crowd laughs] And Jenny says, “Mildew.” And I say, “I can’t really smell mildew ’cause I grew up in Massachusetts, which is a state that’s made of mildew.” [crowd laughs, stops] But she’s worried about it. She goes, “I don’t think Oona can sleep in her bed until we get the mildew situation resolved.” I go, “Okay. Until we get it resolved, I’ll sleep in Oona’s bed, and she can sleep in our bed.” And to make me feel better about this, Jenny and Oona started calling me “Mildew Man.” [crowd laughs] So that night, Mildew Man is lying in his daughter’s mildew-scented bed alone, and I’m… writing in my journal. I like to write in my journal every few nights ’cause I find if you write down what you’re saddest about or angriest about, you can start to see your own life as a story. And when you see your own life as a story, sometimes you can zoom out and encourage the main character to make better decisions. [crowd chuckles] That night I wrote in my journal, “My dad had a heart attack when he was 56.” “His dad had a heart attack when he was 56, and today I realized, when I turn 56, Oona will be 19.” The next morning, I wake up, and I walk to the Brooklyn YMCA. [crowd laughs] I didn’t need directions. [sniffs] [crowd laughs] I followed the chlorine smell, and I walked up to the swim desk, and I asked to speak with the director of aquatics. And… they introduced me to a woman named Vanessa, and I said, “Vanessa, I’d love to take a swim lesson if possible.” She said, “I’d have to come down to the pool and evaluate your level.” And I said, “No need.” “You can write down zero or -20.” “Drowning. Dead. Whatever the lowest is.” [crowd laughs] She said, “I would have to see it for myself.” I said, “Is it a fetish kind of thing?” “‘Cause I could do a sort of dry act out here at the desk.” [crowd laughs] I walk into the locker room. I put on my swim trunks. I’ve never worn a Speedo. I wear sort of a speedless. It’s bunchy and always damp, even fresh out of the dryer. And I wear my speedless down to the pool. The first thing Vanessa says to me is, “Where’s your swim cap?” And I go, “I don’t have a swim cap.” She goes, “It’s mandatory unless you’re completely bald.” And I said, “I don’t like how you leaned on the word ‘completely.'” Uh… [crowd laughs] Not even remotely bald. I have four distinct tufts of hair that form a Voltron of hair that lies artfully atop my head. [crowd laughs] This has been my hair since I was about 15. When I was in high school, my hair was like, “It’s stressful around here.” We’re gonna lay off some strands. [crowd laughs, stops] Vanessa says, “You can borrow my extra swim cap.” And then she pulls this little tiny swim cap out of her bag, and she hands it to me. It is significantly smaller than my head. Uh… I have a deceptively large head. When I was a kid, the bullies nicknamed me “Mike Bigheadlia.” [crowd laughs] So I squeeze this tiny swim cap onto a portion of my bigheadlia and Vanessa points to the pool. She says, “Hop in the instructional lane and show me your stuff.” [hesitates] [crowd laughs] I’ve established at this point I do not have stuff. I mean, I don’t have a repertoire, but I get in, and I just give it all I have, you know, I’m… [crowd laughs] …I’m pretty sure I may have been swimming towards the bottom, and… I look like what would happen if you dropped a blender in a pool. You know, where I’m blending the water into a chlorine smoothie and… [crowd laughs] …the instructional lane is also the walkers’ lane. So, as I’m blending, these elderly aggressive walkers are blowing past me. I think one of them tried to dunk my head a little bit. And… and it’s packed. Only in New York City is there traffic in the pool. [grunts] I said, “Vanessa!” “Is it always this crowded?” She says, “No. It’s springtime. Everyone’s getting ready for the summer.” I go, “Oh, they wanna a body like this.” Which was a joke. It wasn’t a stage-worthy joke. It’s nothing I would bring to ya at a big show here at the Vivian Beaumont Theater. [crowd laughs] It was sort of a conversational piece of witty repartee, designed, uh, to create a personal bond between me and my new swim instructor. But she did not hear it. Uh, she said, “What?” I said, “Nothing.” [crowd laughs] She said, “Mike, I can’t hear you. You have to shout.” [crowd laughs] [screaming] I said, “Vanessa!” [crowd laughing] [screaming] “They want a body… like this.” [crowd laughs] A joke without proper context or softness of cadence or comedic delivery is often a statement of pure insanity because all 200 members of the pool community simultaneously swiveled their heads to see the body… [crowd laughs] …attached to this flamboyantly confident voice, and… I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have almost a drowner’s body where it looks like I’m drowning at all times, even when I’m not near water. Even shirtless and dry, people are like, “Are you okay?” You know, it’s sort of a river corpse body and so… so, I’m blending… I’m blending water for 90 seconds until I’m convinced I’m on the verge of my own death, and then I stand up. It’s about four feet of water. And… I get out of the pool. I dry myself off with 15 or 20 of those dishrag-size YMCA towels. I put one under each foot ’cause Vanessa explains there can be fungus in the puddles. And I think, “This place is a death trap. I gotta get the hell out of here.” I’m trying to get some cardio in now, mainlining spores. And then I walk over to the swim desk. [crowd laughs] [gulps] Vanessa feels bad for me. She goes, “Look, Mike.” “If you come in maybe Wednesdays at 8 a.m. I could probably squeeze you in for 20 minutes.” “But if you wanna take this seriously, I would recommend you swim on your own, five days a week.” And I said, “I don’t think anybody swims five days a week.” [crowd laughs] She said, “A lot of people swim five days a week.” I said, “I don’t even think Michael Phelps swims five days a week.” She said, “Michael Phelps definitely swims five days a week.” We talk about this for about 45 minutes. [crowd laughs] We agree to disagree. [crowd laughs] I started swimming one day a week. Uh, I got into it, you know. I got my own swim cap. I got my goggles with a lifetime guarantee to never fit your face once ever. I got flip-flops for the fungus puddles and a lock for my locker. And a bag with a pocket for wet bathing suits and fresh produce and… [crowd laughs] Every Wednesday at 8 a.m. I’d swim. Then I’d go to this juice place on the corner, and I’d get a big juice, the size of a horse bucket. And I started to think, “This is who I am now. I swim. I juice.” “I’m of the juice generation. I’m juicy. I should get those pants… [crowd laughs] …that say ‘Juicy’ on the ass.” That’s sort of who I am now. I think people are starting to get it, and, um… [crowd laughs] My favorite part about swimming is no matter how bad you are at swimming, when you’re underwater and you kick off the wall… for those first few moments, you feel like an underwater explorer. Or someone who knows how to swim. [crowd laughs] Then your body sort of floats to the top ’cause the human body has neutral buoyancy. I love how in the pool, there’s no phones, there’s no emails, there’s no calendars. In some ways, there’s no time. I love how, sometimes in life, everything feels so heavy. But when you’re in the water, it’s so light. Sometimes everything in your life is so loud, but when you’re underwater, it’s so quiet. Sometimes you can even hear yourself think. I remember one day, I thought, “I’m just so lucky to be alive.” So, for six months, I swim one day a week. And then one day, there’s a torrential downpour in Brooklyn. It was so bad it was raining in our kitchen. I don’t know if you’ve been in a kitchen, but the weather is generally mild. It almost… [crowd laughs] …it almost never rains in kitchens, and so… [gulps] …we were alarmed, and we called a friend who works in construction. We said, “Is it dangerous for us to live in this building?” It’s, like, a 100-year-old apartment building in Brooklyn. She walks up onto the roof of the building. She goes, “There’s holes in the roof and holes on the side of the building.” And she walks into Oona’s bedroom. She goes, “I think that might be mold.” We got it tested, and it turned out it was black mold, which is the dangerous kind. It’s tied to asthma and all kinds of problems. And they said, “We’d recommend you move out immediately until this is resolved.” So we move into an Airbnb, which, by the way, no breakfast… [crowd laughs] …which is one of the letters. It’s like if you showed up to an AA meeting, and they’re like, “We’re live-streaming.” And you’re like… [crowd laughs] “I had heard it was sort of a private thing.” And they’re like, “Pop open a wine cooler. We’re gonna dish some goss.” [crowd laughs] I… I had found this Airbnb. I have a kind of an obsessive personality. If you don’t know someone who’s obsessive, you need to know it’s a very sexy quality. Like, your husband will disappear down an Airbnb rabbit hole for seven hours, and when he comes up for air, he’ll eat a whole box of Triscuits. And you’ll think, “I wanna bang this guy.” You know, that’s… so that is what obsessive means. And… But this place I found was no good, you know. Like, it didn’t look like the photos. It’s almost like they use one of those lenses where they photograph a different apartment, and… [crowd laughs] …and there was no thermostat. There was heat, but there was no way to indicate how much heat you think might be a good idea if you wanted to stay alive. And so, it’s three in the morning, and it’s 90 degrees. No, I know. 90 degrees. And so, Jenny, Oona, and I are all wide awake. And I’m desperate. I’m just wandering in the building, trying to find a way to change the temperature. Around 4 a.m. I find a communal thermostat in the back of the lobby, but it is padlocked behind plexiglass. And I’ve never done anything like this in my life. I Hulk-smash the plexiglass. [laughs] [crowd laughs] And then I change the thermostat to zero, and… I save my family’s lives. But… the point of the story is actually that the next morning, I overslept, and I didn’t make it to my swim lesson for the first time. And then the next week I didn’t go to my swim lesson again ’cause it was so fun not going the first time. [crowd laughs] And then I stopped swimming. And I think about this a lot, like, in a general sense, like, “Why do we stop doing the thing that we know we should be doing?” For me, I prioritize the thing that’ll keep me alive in the short-term over the thing that’ll keep me alive in the long-term. ‘Cause if I’m not alive in the short-term, I won’t be alive in the long-term. [crowd laughs] So I stop swimming. But I still had the appetite of someone who swims. [crowd laughs] Which is to say I was eating quite a bit. And I was, uh, juicing. And… [crowd chuckles] …and I went for my annual checkup, and Dr. Walsh asked me to step on the scale, which, for whatever reason, is still the old-fashioned abacus thing. Like, you’re not 1,000 pounds. You’re not zero pounds. [crowd laughing] You’re not 970 pounds. You’re not 21 pounds. You’re not 662 pounds. You’re not 58 pounds. You’re not 411 pounds. You’re not 117 pounds. I’m like, “What time is it?” [crowd laughs] He’s like, “It’s not two o’clock. It’s not six o’clock.” “It’s not 2:15. It’s not 4:45.” [crowd laughing] Dr. Walsh was deeply concerned about my weight. Uh, he said, “You’ve gained a lot of weight in the last year.” I said, “That’s surprising ’cause I have been swimming… [crowd laughs] …as well as juicing.” And… he took my blood, and then I took his ’cause it was a sort of a sleepover theme. And… [crowd laughs] …he calls me about a week later. I was in a hotel room in Columbus, Ohio. He said, “I got your blood results back, and your bad cholesterol is bad.” And I go, “That lines up.” And he said, “Your good cholesterol is bad.” I said, “Nobody’s perfect.” And… [crowd laughs] …he said, “You have type 2 diabetes.” When he said this, I had that shortness of breath I was telling you about earlier, but there are few times in my life where I’ve experienced it to an extreme. When I was 20, I was driving home from college for Christmas break, and I pulled over at a rest stop to pee, and there was blood in my pee. I had never seen blood look like this. The moment it would hit the water, it would explode like fireworks. And I was so worried I sped home, and I woke up my parents. And my dad is a doctor. My mom is a nurse, so they know bloody fireworks are not a good sign. My dad takes me first thing in the morning to see a urologist friend of his. And the urologist asked me to take my pants down, and he’s looking around. I start to chime in with my own theories ’cause I find doctors enjoy that when you view the medical visit as sort of a collab. [crowd laughs] I said to my urologist, and I can never unsay this. I said, “Is it possible that the blood is from me masturbating too often?” [crowd laughs] So that’s something I said. [crowd laughs] Out loud. [crowd laughs] [screaming] To my Dad’s friend! [crowd laughs] So… [chuckles] …so based on his reaction, I would venture to guess that if a urology drinking game exists, that might be The Phrase That Pays because he was entirely unfazed by this question. He goes, “No, that’s not it.” And then he pounded a tumbler of whiskey from behind his desk, and… [crowd laughs] …and he said, “But I’m worried about the blood.” He goes, “I’ll have you come into the hospital tomorrow morning and give you anesthesia for a cystoscopy.” I didn’t know what this meant. It’s when they take a camera, and they stick it through your penis to look into your bladder. You’re probably thinking, “Mike, a camera can’t fit… [crowd laughs] [laughing] …through a penis.” Good news and bad news on that front. Um… [crowd laughs] The good news is it can. The bad news is the same. [crowd laughs] So the next morning I wake up at 5:30 a.m. My mom drives me into the hospital, and I’m… I’m shivering, you know. I’m in the cloth smock on the surgical gurney. And the nurse puts the IV in, and I fall asleep. I have to say. Even shivering and on drugs at the hospital, I still always enjoy a nice nap. [crowd laughs] So, while I’m under, the urologist finds something with the scope and decides he’ll keep me under longer so they can take it out. So as I’m coming to, the urologist explains that they found something in my bladder, and it could be cancer. They don’t know. And they’re gonna do a biopsy on it, and they should know in a few days. So, from December 22nd, 1999, until December 27th, 1999, I just thought the worst. I just thought, “I’m gonna die.” [inhales] And I… I went into my bedroom at my parents’ house, and… and I had the shortness of breath, but… in a way that I’ve never experienced. Like… like I didn’t even talk to anybody. Like, I didn’t talk to my parents. I didn’t call my friends. I’m someone who talks quite a bit. I mean, I gathered you here. [crowd laughs] [laughing] But when I thought I was gonna die… [hesitates] …it just silenced me. The biopsy came back a few days later, and it turns out it was cancer. It was a malignant tumor in my bladder, but I actually was very lucky ’cause they caught it early enough, so they decided they wouldn’t do chemo or radiation because maybe it was an anomaly. And maybe it was ’cause I go for a regular cystoscopy to this day, and it hasn’t come back. But when Dr. Walsh tells me I have diabetes, it flashes me back to this moment. Not because cancer and diabetes are the same, but they’re both comorbidities, and the thing about comorbidities, sometimes they team up to form a single… [chuckles] …morbidity, you know. It’s, “Cancer to diabetes!” “Diabetes to heart disease. Score!” And they all high-five. And… when Dr. Walsh tells me I have diabetes, I’m actually walking from my hotel room to the front desk of the hotel to pick up a pizza I had ordered for delivery. And… I’m not proud of that. I mean, I have bad habits. Like, for starters, this is my job. I mean, I do this usually in cities where I don’t live. I get up here. I work up an appetite walking over here. Sometimes I go over here. I slide down that thing. [crowd laughs] I pretend to wrestle. [crowd laughs, stops] Typically I get back to my hotel around eleven o’clock at night and the thing about healthy food is it goes to bed early. [crowd laughs] Healthy food’s like, “I’m heading in for the night.” “I got a big morning providing nutrients.” Unhealthy food is like, “I’m gonna hang.” “I saw a microwave on the corner. I’m gonna pop in and see what happens.” [crowd laughs] And pizza stays up all night. Pizza loves to party, and I love pizza. Like, my problem with pizza is when I see a pizza, I can only view it as a single serving. And more often than not, it was designed for a group, and I’m physically drawn to it. It’s almost sexual. Like, I wouldn’t have sex with a pizza, but if I ate a pizza alone, I wouldn’t mention it to my wife. Does that make sense? It has pizza slices in it. Each of the Zs is two slices. The A is a slice. It’s five slices in one word. He goes, “I’d like to put you on a statin for your cholesterol and a diabetes medication.” I said, “I’d prefer to deal with this without medication ’cause I’m a doctor also, and…” [crowd laughs] I said, “I prefer to just sort of try to lose weight on my own and see if I can reverse the diabetes.” And he said, “I’m just not optimistic.” [crowd laughs] He said, “It’d have to be so drastic. You’d have to cut sugar, fries.” Then I started thinking about sugar fries, which apparently aren’t technically food. Then I started thinking, maybe they could be a food. It’s a beautiful combination of ingredients. There’s an obvious theme song.  Sugar fries, sugar fries Sug-sugar fries, sugar fries in my eyes  Dr. Walsh says, “Are you listening to me?” And I said, “Obviously I’m listening to you, but I’m also listening to the song I just wrote in my head.” “About vegetables.” I thought it was too early to spring the sugar fries concept on him. [crowd laughs, stops] The next morning I fly home. And Jenny and I take Oona to her first swim lesson, and after the lesson, they let the grown-ups come in the shallow end with the kids, and Oona goes, “Dad, let’s talk underwater.” I go, “Okay.” Then we go underwater, and all I hear is “Blah blah blah.” She says, “What did I say?” I go, “I don’t know.” She says, “I love you, Dad.” [crowd reacts] I said, “I love you too, Oona.” That night we’re lying in bed. We’re reading a book about the days of the week and… sometimes when Oona doesn’t know a word, she’ll just say another word. And she said, “The days… of us.” And I thought, “That’s better.” After she falls asleep, I… [inhales, exhales] …I started to have my shortness of breath, thinking about the diabetes diagnosis. And I… I take out my journal, and I opened it up. And I pick up a pen, and I write, “I think I may die soon.” And the next morning, I get a call from my mom that my dad had another heart attack, and he’s okay. Apparently he’s getting the hang of it. [crowd laughs] He was working at the hospital, and he felt it coming on, and he walked into the emergency room, and he was like, “Hey.” Uh, like… I mean, I don’t know exactly what he said, but it’s like a fireman walking into the station, “I’m on fire.” “We all know what to do.” And… [crowd laughs] So I said, “Mom, should I come home?” And she goes, “No, he’s doing okay, and you’re coming home next week for Christmas.” So, about a week later, I’m driving Jenny and Oona home for Christmas, which is always sort of involved, the family events, ’cause Jenny’s an introvert, and I’m an extrovert. An extrovert is someone who gets energy from being around other people, and an introvert doesn’t like you. Or… [crowd laughs] …she might like you, but she’s gonna need me to explain why we’re leaving. And… it was Christmas, and Jenny’s Jewish, so I have to explain. Like, there’s this guy, and… [crowd laughs] …he was born in a barn. That usually flies under the radar. This one went wide. Kings showed up, wise men. Uh, although they were Jewish. Could have been the Weismanns, you know. So, there’s kings, the Weissmans, everyone is there. They are kvetching, and kvelling, and… I don’t know why. It’s not God. And… [crowd laughs] …and I’m certainly no sort of authority in any of this. Although I’ve got more interested in Jesus as I’ve gotten older, which is why I brought you here this evening. Uh… [crowd laughs] There’s a pamphlet under your seat. I would say, if anything, the theme is just, like, Chicken Parmesan. Like, we eat so much of it. [crowd laughs] And that year, it was a charged subject, you know. My dad just had a heart attack, and the menu was the same, you know. Chicken Parmesan and ziti and garlic bread, which are all basically the same food in different shapes. And… my father says, “Michael.” “Please pass the Chicken Parmesan.” And, of course, my dad just had a heart attack, but he’d also already had a serving of Chicken Parmesan. And so I’m holding it, but I’m not passing it ’cause it almost feels like I’m holding, like, a bowl of guns. [crowd laughs] And the tension is rising, and finally I say, “Vince.” We call my dad Vince. I go, “Vince, that’s enough Chicken Parmesan.” Which I’m pretty sure is a deleted scene from The Godfather. And… [crowd laughs] …Vince had… [chuckles] …Vince had the perfect response. He said, “Michael.” “I wanna talk to you about your type 2 diabetes.” And I go, “No, I’m working on it.” “I’m trying to change my diet like you are.” And then my brother Joe goes, “You know, Mike, you should write a will.” And I thought, “How did we get here?” I mean, you have to be really close to someone when you tell them you have a disease for their response to be, “I’d love to have some of your stuff.” [crowd laughs] [chuckles] So that night we’re saying goodbye to my folks, and I have a fear when I’m saying goodbye to my dad that it could be goodbye, you know. I said, “Mom, Dad.” “Take care.” [crowd laughs, stops] [sighs] I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to say I love you to my parents, but… it is. And sometimes I feel like we get so close to it. Like, few years ago, I called my mom after a friend of ours died. I go, “Mom, I’m so sorry about John Harding.” And she said, “We were lucky because last week he knew it’d be the last time we’d speak on the phone, so we were able to tell him we loved him.” [crowd laughs] I… I thought maybe I’ve cracked the code. Maybe all you need is the approximate date of your own death. You… you just need a literal deadline. So… I’m thinking about all this as I’m driving home late that night. Oona is asleep in the back. And I say to my wife, I say, “Clo, should we write a will?” And she doesn’t respond. Jenny and I don’t have this in common. When people ask me questions, I feel a social responsibility to reply, and she doesn’t have that. I mean, she ghosted me in person. And so… [crowd laughs] …so I just took matters into my own hands. I called a lawyer who writes wills. We’ll just call him Will. And Jenny and I are sitting with Will at our kitchen table, and it gets very serious right away. He says, “What happens if Mike gets hit by a bus?” I said, “I don’t know. I guess Jen gets the money?” He said, “What happens if you and Jen get hit by the same bus?” [crowd laughs] I said, “Our daughter Oona gets the money?” He said, “Who’s in charge of Oona?” I said, “The bus driver?” [crowd laughs] And then it was silent for about 40 minutes. [crowd laughs] And of course you can get hit by the bus. I mean, this isn’t an outrageous scenario. A few years ago I’m in the back of an Uber here in New York City. And the driver makes a left-hand turn onto the Manhattan Bridge and hits a pedestrian. [crowd reacts] I know. She was okay, but she went down hard, and then she popped up. And said, “I’m good!” You know, ’cause New Yorkers are resilient and often drunk but… [crowd laughs] …but it was shocking. I mean, the first thing I thought was “One star.” You know what I mean, like, I… [laughs] There’s an infinite number of ways any of us could die. I read about a woman who died from a coconut… [clicks tongue] …falling on her head, which is the ultimate example of “She did not see that coming.” And… [crowd laughs] …and my question is, with due all respect, if you know someone who was killed by a coconut, should we eat the coconut? You know what I mean? ‘Cause, well, it’s ripe. I read about a guy who died… [laughs] …during a cockroach-eating competition. No, I know. Which part of Florida was is it in? It was Deerfield Beach. It doesn’t matter. The point is… [crowd laughs] …we’re sitting with Will at our kitchen table, and we’re filling out the “death” questionnaire. And the first few were easy. It’s like, name. “All right.” Email. “Come on!” Day you were married. “We gotta look that up.” You know, and… [laughs] …Will says, “I’m gonna go, but I’ll leave the death questionnaire here on the kitchen table, and if you fill it out in a few days and get it back to me, we’ll just be done with this.” So, the death questionnaire sits on our kitchen table for a week and then a month. And then three years. [crowd laughs] That’s how much Jenny and I don’t wanna discuss that. But we have to. I mean, at that point, Oona was six years old. When I was six, my grandparents died. The Challenger exploded. I mean, that happened… I grew up in the ’80s. That was live on television at school. The teacher strolled the TVs in the class and said, “Today, seven brave astronauts are going to space.” Actually, we’re gonna watch The Sound of Music, you know. And we were six. We’re like… [screaming] …”Where did they go?” [crowd laughs] I went to a Catholic school, and so the teacher said, “They’re in a better place.” And I was like, “Better than space?” “I don’t know.” [crowd laughs] When I was a kid, when someone died, that’s what the grown-up said. “They’re in a better place.” And I always took solace in that until I started to feel like the people who were telling me that were not as confident as I had originally thought. So when I’m 21, one of our best friends dies. Mr. Naples. He was like a second father. He was at every Christmas Parmesan. [crowd laughs] He was… [laughs] When my parents went away on vacation once a year, Joe and I would stay with Mr. Naples, and I loved it. It was my favorite week of the year ’cause he was so fun and he’s funny. And he was the first person who, in my life, who would let me in on grown-up jokes, and he was sort of, like, rich. You’d ring his doorbell, and it wouldn’t be, “Bing bong.” It’d be… [mimicking loud doorbell] [crowd laughing] We were like, “This dude is rich.” “That is how you spend money right there.” You get yourself a good doorbell game. [crowd laughs] When Mr. Naples is 58, he dies suddenly. It was devastating, you know. I remember being at the church, looking at his body, and it’s embalmed. And I don’t think I’d seen a body embalmed up close. I’m thinking, “Is this the best plan?” Just one last facial. [crowd laughs] Like, can we talk about the embalming thing? Like, the person doesn’t look good, right? They look puffy and… If we’re gonna manipulate the body, why not taxidermy? Like, “So sad about Mr. Naples. But he’s catching that football!” You know what I mean? Something with a little energy. Give him a win on the way out. [crowd laughs] [laughing] So after the funeral, we went to a friend’s house, and everybody started drinking. I remember it so well ’cause my parents don’t really drink. But two hours later, my parents just keep drinking. An hour after that, my parents are drunk. I mean, I’ve never seen them like this. They’re spitting when they talk. They’re slurring their words. It was the first time it hit me. I don’t know if anyone can handle death. So Jenny and I never finished writing our will, but I did start to see a nutritionist, which is not the same thing. [chuckles] Uh, but I think it’s a positive step. If you haven’t seen a nutritionist, you’re not missing too much. They know the same stuff as us. It’s… [crowd laughs] Imagine your most annoying friend, and then imagine they start charging you. [crowd laughs] She’s like, “You know what’s healthy? Vegetables.” I’m like, “I had heard that from everyone. Have you been talking to everyone?” [crowd laughs] But she was very encouraging. Her name is Christina. And she got very granular right away. She goes, “How soft are your stools?” And I said, “I don’t have a point of comparison.” Uh… “Softer than a dog, harder than a pigeon?” “I mean, what… what’s the metric you’re looking for here?” “I didn’t know we were supposed to keep track. Did I miss a meeting?” I’m worried about the person who has a really good answer, like, “Delicate.” You’re like, “Uh.” [crowd laughs] She said, “Do you have any pre-existing conditions?” I said, “I had bladder cancer. I have type 2 diabetes.” “I eat sugar fries.” [crowd laughs, stops] She said, “How is your sleep?” And I said, “Well…” And that’s a whole thing. Like… If you’re laughing, you know the larger answer to that one. I’ve talked about that in some of the other shows. And if you’re not laughing, the short version is that I have a very serious sleepwalking disorder. It got so bad when I was 25 years old, I jumped through a second-story window of a La Quinta Inn in Walla Walla, Washington. When I say through, I mean through the glass. I mean, I ended up in the emergency room. They took glass out of my legs. I was diagnosed with a rare thing called REM sleep behavior disorder. So when I go to bed at night, I take medication, and I sleep in a sleeping bag up to my neck. And I wear mittens, so I can’t open the sleeping bag. [crowd laughs] The long version is… [crowd laughs] Fine. I don’t know. Like, I got a bad case of the “jumping out the windows,” but… [crowd laughs] [laughs] Christina asked a really thought-provoking question. She goes, “When do you get your best night’s sleep?” And I said, “When I read ’cause when I read, my brain is like, ‘I’m out.'” You know what I mean? Like, I was under the impression there was a film adaptation. I had no idea what I was getting into. But it got me in the habit of reading every night, but what happened was, I’d read a book, and then I would… fall asleep, and my lamp would still be on. And so I got an app on my phone, and it is called WeMo. It’s like a simple thing where you set a timer for 15 or 20 minutes to shut off your lamp or whatever is plugged into the wall. So, I set my WeMo, and I get in my sleeping bag. I take my medication, and I’m engrossed in the book. Inevitably, I fall asleep. While I was asleep, the lamp would go… [clicks tongue] One night… I didn’t fall asleep. So I set my WeMo. I get in my sleeping bag. I take my medication. And I’m engrossed in the characters and the story, and as the plot is reaching its climax… [clicks tongue] In some ways, it was the closest I’ve come to experiencing my own death. [crowd laughs] I was thinking that WeMo could actually market themselves as a sort of like a death simulator. [crowd laughs] They could call it WeDie. [crowd laughs] Or WeNoMo. So, now… [laughs] [crowd laughs] …so, now I’m going to a nutritionist. I’m doing WeNoMo. I’m monitoring my stools. [gulps] I started to think about this quote that has stuck with me for a long time. About 20 years ago, the great musician Warren Zevon was dying of terminal lung cancer, and he knew it. It was a very sad story, and I was watching him be interviewed by David Letterman. Letterman said to him, “You know, experiencing this the way that you are, what can you teach us about life and death?” And Warren Zevon said, “Enjoy every sandwich.” I think for the year that I started to see a nutritionist, I started to enjoy every sandwich. Like, when I would eat, I would just eat. I’d still eat pizza, but I wouldn’t have the whole pie. I’d have one slice or two slices. And in some ways, I enjoyed it more. This idea that I could sip the nectar of the gods but not drink the whole jug. [crowd laughs] And after about a year of this, I went for my annual checkup, and Dr. Walsh took my blood. And I came back a few days later, and he said, “You know, Mike, I’m surprised to report you actually have reversed your type 2 diabetes.” “But I want you to blow into this tube.” And… [laughs] …and so I did it. I went… [blows] …and he goes, “Do it again.” I went… [blows] He said, “I wanna show you something.” He brings me over his computer screen. He said, “When people your age have healthy breathing and they blow into that tube, the line goes a little bit like this.” “And when people your age have obstructed breathing pathways, it looks a little bit more like this.” “And when you do it… [crowd laughs] …it looks like this.” [crowd laughs] And he said, “I don’t know what to tell you.” “‘Cause in the short-term, there’s not much we can do.” “We’ve already sent you to see a cardiologist, but in the long-term, with your history of bladder cancer and diabetes… it’s just not ideal.” [crowd laughs] [sighs] I’d never heard my doctor sound so worried but have no plan. And that night, I’m lying in bed with Oona after she’s fallen asleep, and I’m experiencing the shortness of breath. Except this time, I’m thinking about how I’ll be thinking about my breath for the rest of my life. The same way since I was 20, I’ve been thinking about the color of the water in the toilet when I pee. The same way since I was 25, before I fall asleep, I have a sinking fear that I might hurt myself in my sleep. I take out my journal, and I open it up. I pick up my pen. I… I can’t write anything. And the next morning, I wake up, and I walk to the Brooklyn YMCA, and I start swimming five days a week. And you’re probably thinking, “Nobody swims five days a week.” I’m telling you, I swim five days a week. You’re thinking, “Michael Phelps doesn’t swim five days a week.” I’m telling you, Michael Phelps and I… [crowd laughs] …separately and at the same level, swim five days a week. I picked up this book, uh, on breathing. It’s called Breath. Sort of a simple start. And, uh… I started practicing holding my breath for increasingly long increments of time, which is practiced by yoga instructors and middle-school bullies. And… I got better and better at it. Sometimes I would practice underwater at the Y. And one day, I’m swimming underwater, two-thirds the length of a lane, and as I surface, I see a sign that I’d never noticed, and the sign says, “No breath-holding.” [laughs] [crowd laughs] I thought, “That’s so odd.” I go, “Vanessa.” “What does that mean? No breath-holding.” She said, “Oh, there were these two guys last summer taking turns holding their breath like as a competition, and then one of them died.” [crowd laughs] I just want to stop you right there. [laughs] Uh… You know, we’re laughing about a lot of things this evening, but right now, I think the appropriate thing would be a moment of silence for this man who died holding his breath. Okay, we’re just gonna stop the show for a second. Um… [crowd laughs] [man 1 laughing loudly] I don’t wanna single anybody out, but, uh, could we bring the house lights up for a second, please? Sir… uh, sir. [crowd laughing] Sir. Sir, we’re doing something over here right now. We’re having a moment of silence for a man who died holding his breath in the YMCA pool. And you’re doing something entirely different. So, if you could just be more respectful of this man who died… holding his breath. [man 2 laughs loudly] Okay, you’re not helping. [crowd laughs] So… [laughing] [woman laughing loudly] You know who’s not laughing right now? [laughing] Do you know who’s not laughing right now? This man who died holding his breath in the YMCA pool. Let’s just do a hard reset. Um… ‘Cause I think this is a well-intended group of people. And I think if we just get together as a group and focus, I think we can do this. Let’s just take a deep breath. [inhales deeply] Not too long. If there’s one thing we’ve learned… [crowd laughs] …from this man who died, it is to be judicious with the length of one’s breath when holding one’s breath. Uh, if you could just repeat after me. We’re gonna have a moment of silence. [crowd repeats] Thank you. For this man who died. [crowd] For this man who died. Holding his breath. [crowd] Holding his breath. In the YMCA pool. [crowd] In the YMCA pool. [laughing] Once we have achieved. [crowd] Once we have achieved. This moment of silence. [crowd] This moment of silence. We will be rewarded. [crowd] We will be rewarded. With one humorous detail about his death. [crowd laughs] [crowd stops] After he died, his body disintegrated within six hours. The point is… [laughs] …the point is after I surfaced from the YMCA pool, and I see the no-breath-holding sign, I dry myself off. I pull off my swim cap. I walk into the locker room. I pull down my swim trunks. And for the first time in my life, I thought, “Maybe he knew something I didn’t know.” [crowd laughs] He was the oldest man I’d ever seen. He’d lived a long life. He’d taken care of his body. He swam. He had sensitive skin. [crowd laughs] Here I was, this seven-year-old kid laughing at this old man, but maybe the roadmap to my own maturity was in the veins of this man’s testicles. [crowd laughs] [crowd stops] The old man is dead, and we’re all the old man. We will be if we’re lucky. Any of us could be the man who died holding his breath in the YMCA pool, or the woman who died from a coconut falling on her head. Any of us could be diagnosed with terminal cancer. All we’re promised is this moment right now, together at the Vivian Beaumont Theater. These are the days of us.  Like I’m riding in a red hearse   I’ll dive in it, head-first   Like I’m riding in a red hearse   I’ll dive in it, head-first   Like I’m riding in a red hearse   I’ll dive in it, head-first   Like I’m riding in a red hearse   Wake up in the midnight   Heavy heart, hit another red light   The last flowers, at the first sight   The first time I saw you Gave me half life   You the only one I really want now   You the only one to make me slow down   You the only one to make me slow down   I’ll be better than I was before   A natural, about to burst out the door   I never let you go This all of our needs before   It’s getting deeper We’re caught up in the undertone   So come on   And if you can’t hold me   I’ll dive in it   Head-first   Like I’m riding in a red hearse   I’ll dive in it, head-first   Like I’m riding in a red hearse   I’ll dive in it, head-first   Like I’m riding in a red hearse   I’ll dive in it, head-first   Like I’m riding in a red hearse   I’ll dive in it, head-first   Like I’m riding in a red hearse   I’ll dive in it, head-first   Like I’m riding in a red hearse   I’ll dive in it, head-first   Like I’m riding in a red hearse   I’ll dive in it, head-first   Like I’m riding in…"}
{"Title": "I’m an Entertainer", "Artist": "Wanda Sykes", "Intro": "The comic shares details about her life, from the challenges of raising Gen Z teens to the dilemmas of being a liberal in a charged political climate.", "context": "", "Text": "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! Oh my God, I’m so excited to be here, Philadelphia, you know, shoot my special. You know, my last special was in 2019. It was called Not Normal. Yeah. [sighing] Since then, we’ve had a pandemic, an insurrection, Roe v. Wade got overturned… Yeah. What the fuck, y’all? What the fuck? And COVID was scary, ’cause you didn’t know what it was gonna do until you got it, right? And I finally got it. It took two years, and I finally got it. Yeah. You know, but I’m… I’m vaxxed, I’m fully vaccinated, so, you know, the first two days were a little rough. I’m isolating in the guest bedroom, you know, so my wife couldn’t bother me, my kids couldn’t bother me. You know, my wife, she would leave my meals at the door. Yeah. Yeah. And his twin sister, she didn’t get it. Why? ‘Cause she’s a 13-year-old girl and she don’t want shit to do with us. I do. Remember we weren’t letting anybody in your house, remember that? You didn’t let nobody in your house. Uh-uh. And I miss that, ’cause it was fun telling my white friends to go around back. “Uh-uh, Carol, go around back now.” “You know better than to come up here like that.” “You go on around back now. Git! Go on.” “I’ll meet you by the fire pit. Go ahead, now.” A lot of drinking by the fire pit. And there was some good stuff from the pandemic, right? We got online church. Oh, I love online church! Isn’t that the best? But somehow I’m still late. I don’t know how that happens. You just gotta log on, Wanda. Jeez! Love online church. Although Communion Sunday started to get out of hand. Yeah, yeah, you know, the pastor would say, you know, “Get your little wine, or your juice.” I was like, “Uh, you said wine. Say less.” So I would sit there with my little shot glass of wine an, and my Ritz cracker, you know. Yeah, ’cause the body of Christ is brown for me. Uh-uh. No. That’s just perpetuating white supremacy, that’s all that’s doing. Have you seen one of the early drawings of Jesus? He looks just like Teddy Pendergrass. I don’t do Jesus of Nebraska. No, thank you. I was like, “What the hell, Wanda? What are you doing?” “This is ridiculous.” You know, by the end of the service, a cheese plate went into the situation. I got a wine ring on my Bible. I was like, “Okay…” “I gotta get back in the building. I need supervision.” You know, I… I got a friend who still hasn’t been vaccinated. No, she won’t get vaccinated. And she’s laughing at me. She’s like, “Uh, look at you.” “You don’t know what’s in that mess.” “You just put that mess in your arm. They laugh at me. They talk like, “Well, I just don’t put anything in my body.” I’m like, “You use Splenda. Yeah. I grew up in Virginia, you know, rural area, and, uh, you know, we had the mosquito man. Like, the mosquito man comes around now, but they, you know, they call your house and leave a recording, and say they’re gonna come and, you know, treat the area, and to stay inside and bring your pets inside. Yeah. Not back then. Mm-mm. Back in the late ’60s, they, they would just pop up. Yeah, and we lived back in the woods, you know, no, no streetlights, just dirt roads. You know, my grandmother didn’t have indoor plumbing. So when the mosquito man came around, that was an exciting time for us. That was like the circus. You know what I’m saying? It’s like, other neighborhoods they would get… [humming the ice-cream song] Mm-mm. Not us. The kids, man, we would drop whatever we was doing… “It’s mosquito man!” “Yeah, it’s the mosquito man!” And we would run to the end of the road to greet the mosquito man just to get behind his truck to play in that fog of pesticide. [yelling] “You can’t see me!” We would play tag, just having the time of our lives. And the mosquito man was an asshole, right? Because instead of saying, “Kids, get out of here!” “Go inside. This is poison!” He would shoot at us like it was a video game. [imitating shooting] That asshole would slow down and crank it up more so we’d get a bigger fog. And we’re just loving it. [laughing] Just running in it, mouth wide open. [chuckling] And then when he was leaving the neighborhood, we would thank him. “Thank you, mosquito man! Thank you!” “Come back soon, okay?” And then we’d walk back home, with that pesticide just steaming off of us. Flies would land on us and then just die. Married a French woman. Yeah, she’s French. And she, she’s white, she’s white, and, uh… And we have twins, Lucas and Olivia. They’re 13 now. They’re white too. Yeah, you know. I figured if she was gonna carry them, they should look like her, you know? And she’s really not gonna like that I put in my will that in order for the kids to get the money, they gotta legally change their names to Rashad and Laquisha. Because, uh, since pre-K, they were going to the French School, because my wife was like, “Okay, so I’m the mother, and, uh, you know, the kids, they have to learn French first, ’cause it’s the tongue of the mother.” “So, uh, they have to go to the private French school, okay?” And I was like, “Yeah, that’s cool. You know, French first, okay.” My friends were like, “What you mean, ‘French first’?” I was like, “Would you shut the hell up? So we went to check out the school. We’re walking through, and they had, like, the, they had the rainbow flag up, and they had the transgender flag, they had the hands across the world, you know, holding hands, and my wife is looking at it. She was like, “Oh!” “This is nice. I like this. I think it, I think it matches our values, and, uh…” “I think it’s a good environment for the kids.” “What do you think, babe? That is the mission of the school, inclusivity. Yeah. ‘Cause I was like, “Man, just think, I mean, like, how my life would be different, you know, if it were like that when I was coming up?” Like, if I… If I was able to go to a school like that. That was Carol’s dick. That wasn’t my dick. Because I knew, I knew. I… I knew in the third grade. Yeah. I remember having a crush on, uh, my brother’s girlfriend’s, uh, sister. She was an older girl, and I remember telling her, you know, I… I said, “You know, I wish I were a boy and then you could be my girlfriend.” Yeah. Cute, right? That bitch shut me down. Oh my gosh, she crushed me. She was like, “You don’t say that. That’s disgusting.” “That’s nasty. You’re nasty.” You don’t like girls, you like boys. You don’t like girls, you like boys.” And, and I was like, “Okay,” you know. Like, I was a, I was a virgin until I was a junior in college. Yeah. And even then, I was just like, “Let me just get this over with.” And I found the shortest guy with the littlest hands I could find. ‘Cause I was like, you know, “I ain’t trying to have a whole meal.” I was just looking for toppers, you know. Just do toppers. And he was nice, he was nice, so then I started having sex with guys, you know. But you know, it never really did anything for me, but they seemed to enjoy it. But these kids know, man. These kids know. My daughter has a, has a friend, little gay boy, Justin. Yeah. I was talking to my wife. I said, “You know, Olivia’s gonna ask us if Justin can come over for a sleepover.” “How do you feel about that? And they out there trying to go backwards, right? Florida. “Don’t Say Gay” ban. What the hell, right? Tennessee, no kids can go to the drag shows. Like that was a problem in the first place. Oh, I can’t tell you how many drag shows I’ve been to and everybody’s up in arms because they ran out of highchairs and booster seats. What the fuck is wrong with them? At the library, they even stopped the, the drag queen’s, uh, story hour. They were reading books to kids, and they stopped that. They said, “Well, a man dressed as a woman is confusing to kids.” Well, have you seen Sesame Street? They’re banning books in Texas. Banning books. “Well, we’re protecting the kids.” Well, if you really want to protect the kids, ban assault weapons, that’s what’s killing the kids. Not the books. You’re protecting homophobia, that’s what you’re protecting. And transphobia is rampant. Hundreds of bills being introduced across the country, and it seems like it, it comes down to bathrooms. They really don’t want trans women to use the ladies’ room. Let me tell you something. For anybody who’s ever been to a ladies’ room, there ain’t nothing ladylike in there. If you go into a public ladies’ room and it’s clean, you better play the lottery, ’cause you got lucky. I don’t know what the fuck happens to women when we go into that restroom. It’s like, you could see a woman, she could be in, in heels and, and a fucking gown and a, and a tiara. Would it kill you to flush, ladies? Just a flush, please! And it’s always that one stall, where the door is just slightly ajar. Ooh, you don’t go in there. Something’s God-awful in there. Go ahead.” And she’s like, “Oh, thank you! Thank you” “Oh, God! Oh, God!!” [gagging] Dumbass. I… I went into one stall, and everything was clean, except there was a, a puddle of pee on the floor. I was like, “What the fuck happened here?” And I thought about it. [groaning] “Damn it! Aah” “Oh shit.” “I got pee in my shoe.” “Damn it.” “This is some bullshit.” And sometimes your hover skills can be on point, but, you know, our bodies are so complex that, you know, I don’t know if it’s a wild hair or something, but sometimes you go, and you get two streams coming out. One’s going down your thigh, one’s shooting out that way. Like, what the… And then you try to marry it together, like, “Come on, y’all!” “Come on. Come on, work with me, y’all, come on.” “Ah, shit. Damn it, this is some…” [groaning] “All right, come… All right, come on.” Ah. Peeing like a scorpion, you’re like, “This is some…” “Pee just went in my booty hole. Fuck this.” So I welcome my trans sisters into the ladies’ room. Please. Maybe, maybe you’ll make us do better, you know. We’ll be like, “Come on, ladies!” “Let’s pick it up around here.” “We got some new members coming in, come on.” My son, Lucas, he’s been, uh, begging me for a snake. Yeah, that’s it. For years. For years, a snake. Yeah. Yeah. “Mommy-boo, can I please have a snake?” Yeah, they still call me “Mommy-boo” ’cause they’re racist, you know. I said, “Look, man, you, you, you have a Black mother, okay?” “Black women just don’t tolerate stupid shit.” “It makes our ass itch.” “I mean, getting a snake and bringing it in the house and calling it a pet?” “That’s dumb.” “That’s just dumb. Know what else you’re not gonna do?” “Extreme sports. You can forget about that.” “I ain’t buying you a bike, and now you up there flipping all up in the air.” “That’s not the way that bike’s supposed to be ridden. You ain’t doing that.” And then he goes, “Uh, is that why you won’t let me wear shorts when it’s cold?” “Exactly, Rashad. You’ll find out.” I tell you, lockdown was rough for me. It was. It was rough, man. ‘Cause everything racial popped off, right? George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery. The country’s on fire. And I’m stuck in the house with white people. That, that one broke me. So, you know, I was outside, standing by the fire pit, upset, drinking, Wearing my “I Matter” T-shirt. And they were delicious. But I get it, though. I get it. I get it. ‘Cause it’s uncomfortable to talk about, right? And I was sick of explaining it to her, so I said, “You know what?” “I’m just gonna start pointing shit out for her.” So we had to go to the bank to drop some paperwork off, right? So my wife is driving, I’m in the car. We pull up to the bank. And I noticed the parking lot was kind of scarce, and I didn’t see any… any activity going on in the bank. She didn’t get it. She thought I was being ridiculous. Yeah. But I understand why, because she does whatever the fuck she wants to do. Yeah. We were in France, right? Had to go to the grocery store. We’re about to cross the street, the dude’s closing the gate of the store. Like, America home. But that’s how she rolls. And then something happened that, that got to her. We were, uh, standing in the backyard or whatever, and during, during the shutdown, they built three new homes next to us. Big homes, right? So my wife is standing out in back, and she’s looking at the house, and she’s like… [grunting] “Hey, babe, I think, uh, “I think that window is going to be a problem because, uh, they can see into our, uh, master bath.” “I don’t, I don’t like that window.” And I was like, “Well, babe, I mean, we have window treatment, it’s cool.” “We’ll just close our blinds, it’s all good.” Hmm. Hmm. And when she does that “Hmm, hmm”, oh, it ain’t over. She ain’t letting it go. Right? And she didn’t. A couple days later, I’m in the house, my phone rings. It’s Alex. I’m like, “Why is she calling me? She’s home.” So I’m like, “Hey, babe, you, you okay?” “Yes. Uh, can you go up to our master bath and look out the window, please?” So I go upstairs. I open the blinds. There she is in the house being under construction. She’s in the window over there. I’m like, “What are you doing?” She’s like, whoo-hoo. I told you this was going to be a problem.” “Get out of that house!” “Okay, okay.” So she comes home. I am livid, right? She got it then. She was like, “Oh shit.” Yeah, she dropped her accent and everything. Put her cigarette out, and punched Carol in the liver. I was like, “Damn!” She got it. She got it. Yeah. She realized it’s privilege, you know, it’s privilege. She can do what I can’t do, you know, without consequences, right? Like, like, like Black people can’t be weird. We can’t. We have, we have to fit the stereotype. We don’t fit the stereotype, it freaks people out. It… It’s like how people are blown away that Lizzo can play the flute. Look at Elijah McClain. Elijah McClain, young Black man in Aurora. Yeah. He was, uh, walking home, it was cold outside, had a little jacket on. He was walking home and he was listening to his music. He was waving his hands, walking, listening to his music, walking home, minding his business. Somebody called the cops. “Hey, there’s a Black guy acting weird.” “Seems sketchy.” So the cops show up. They question him, and, and, and Elijah’s like, “I’m fine. I’m fine.” “I’m… I’m an introvert, I’m fine.” Cops think he’s on drugs, so they call the paramedics. Paramedics hold him down, shoot him up with ketamine, killed him. Yeah, just for being weird. Then the cops tried to justify it. “Well, I mean, it was cold outside. He had on a little, thin jacket.” Like, well, what about those people at the Green Bay Packer games? Standing outside in the snowbank, no shirt on, with a block of styrofoam cheese on their head? That’s some weird shit. White people do weird shit all the time. Renaissance fairs, what the fuck is that? You know what was weird? You know what was weird? That fucking, uh, uh, shaman guy. On January sixth, that shaman motherfucker. Half man, half horse, what the fuck was that? His face was painted, uh, blue and white, whatever, wearing that fucking flag, got fucking hat with horns on it and shit. You know, where was the call to the cops for that guy? “Hey, there’s a weird motherfucker about to leave his house.” “This is some crazy shit.” Where’s the call for that guy? He shouldn’t even made it to DC. They should’ve shot him as soon as he walked out of his door. Tagged him and put him in the zoo. January sixth, man. Wow. That was some… That was the epitome of, of white privilege like that, right there. That was the epitome of white privilege. Black people were watching January sixth like, “What in the Wakanda forever is going on here?” I mean, they were just climbing up the walls, I mean, just scaling the walls of the Capitol. And I mean, it, it looked like a, a zombie herd. They looked like a zombie herd, man. You know, just, just like they’d been bit, you know, like Giuliani bit all of them. They were just infected. They had that crazed look in their eyes, you know. “Nancy!” “Nancy!” You know, hair dye dripping down the side of their face. Look at our congresspeople. They’re old. You can’t scare old people like that! Y’all, they made old people hide. You know how painful that is? I remember when I turned 50, I’m playing hide-and-seek with my kids. I’m stuck underneath a coffee table. After a while, I was like, “Shit, this shit hurts.” I started making noise. “Hey, I’m over here!” “Come find my ass!” I’m like, “I ain’t playing this shit no more.” I mean, come on, you can’t tell Chuck Grassley to scramble. “Come on, Chuck, we gotta hide. Let’s go!” “Huh?” “What? Uh-ha.” “What did you say? Ha?” “Gotta hide, huh?” They all should have just hid under Mitch McConnell’s chin. Never would’ve found them there. Yeah. They’d probably be like Cory Booker or somebody, you know, on his IG run. Yeah. That’s bullshit. I’m sick of that! Sick of going high! I want to go low, I want to have some fun! ‘Cause being a Democrat is painful, y’all. It’s pain… It’s like getting a wedgie every fucking day. Just got to take it! ‘Cause they make up all kinds of shit, but why do we have to be handcuffed to, to facts and reality when they’re living in some alternate universe, just making up shit? ‘Cause, you know, politics is just straight-up entertainment now, especially on the Republican side. A, A… All they’re doing is entertaining. You know what it’s like? It’s like the Dems are PBS, and the GOP is TLC. Man, I could watch TLC all day! That shit is fun. What would you rather watch, PBS NewsHour Or Dr. Pimple Popper? Frontline or Sex Sent Me to the ER? Masterpiece Theatre or 90 Day Fiancé? Even Democrats make it hard to be Democrats. You know, like Kyrsten Sinema. Switched parties now. Independent. Yeah. You know, she was, uh, she was at some forum, and she was talking about the differences between the House and the Senate, and she said the Senate has to cool the, the passions of the people, because the worst thing you can do is give a child everything it wants. Yeah, that’s bullshit. That’s why she shouldn’t be in office. If she thinks of the voters as children, that’s bullshit. You know, I don’t think asking for tax reform and, and making billionaires pay their fair share, I don’t think that’s childish, right? And children ask for stupid shit. You know what my kids asked me one time? They asked me if they could eat their breakfast before they go to bed so they could sleep in. Gotta turn it off just to protect your mental health. Yeah. Like… Yes. I had to turn it off because I was getting triggered. I was getting triggered. Know what my trigger was? Red hats. I didn’t even know I was making a fist. I figured it out when I was at brunch, and, uh, some guy was like, “Hey, Wanda!” And I turned around, and he had on a red hat. And I was like, “What!” And he was like, “Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m just a Curb fan, I’m sorry.” And I was like, “Uh, okay, thanks, man.” And now I feel like shit, right? So I was like, “Let me go over and talk to this man.” Right? He was in profile, so, I’m walking over and, and I see the red hat, and he sees me coming and he starts to turn. And I see white lettering on his hat. And I was like, “Oh, this motherfucker here.” So I’m making a fist. And then I got closer. He turns around. It’s fear, man. It’s fear. That’s why you see so many of these red states, you know, they want to ban, uh, critical race theory being taught in school. Yeah. DeSantis, Marjorie Taylor Greene… Yeah. They say it’s teaching white kids to feel bad or shame for being white. That’s nonsense. ‘Cause there are white kids out there who are proud of their grandparents who marched with Dr. King and who was on those buses with those Freedom Riders, right? That risked their lives. And look, we’re here in Pennsylvania. What about the Quakers? The Quakers, the Quakers are abolitionists, and, and they helped Harriet Tubman. They, they would hide slaves in their homes. Come on. And, and let’s not forget about their delicious oats. They’re worried it will make their kids ashamed of them. Its… America, I mean, come on, we have to face our history and all the awful shit that happened. That’s the only way we can move forward, because right now, America is like living in a horror movie. Yeah, it’s like I Know What You Did Last Summer. But more like, I Know What You Did the Last 400 Summers. Right? It’s like America’s at that campground, walking through… “Hello?” “Is, is anybody there?” And then reparations just jumps out at you. And you know what? Whenever reparations are brought up, we always hear the, hear the pushback, and the argument is always, “Why should I have to pay for something that I had nothing to do with?” Okay, well, some of you have trust funds. You ain’t earned that. Some of you have homes and businesses that you didn’t build, but they’ve been passed down generation for generation in your family, right? Great-Great-Grandpappy left you something. But you accept it. So, think of reparations as part of your inheritance. For white supremacists, I think their biggest fear… They, they know that one day, they will be the minority. And that’s scary, ’cause they see how shitty it is. Oh, you’ve seen the videos. And they’re afraid, like, maybe we’ll treat them the way they treated us. But that’s, that’s ridiculous, because Black people, we don’t even think like that. We don’t sit around talking about retribution and what we’re gonna do to them. No! Well, at least not at the last meeting, we didn’t do that. Right, look, look at the Emanuel eight, those beautiful Black people who were gunned down in their church, by Bible study. And what did they do? Hours after it happened, they’re in court telling that guy, that, that white supremacist, that they forgive him. “We forgive you. We forgive you.” And I know some of y’all are like, “Well, not all Black people, Wanda.” “How about that woman who went off on Jeffrey Dahmer?” I mean, yeah, I remember her. You know… “I hate you, Jeffrey!” I remember that. We don’t. And plus, let’s be honest. White people would make the worst slaves on the face of the planet. “Hey, hey, where you going?” “Uh, Harry Styles tickets, hello!” “Get your ass back here!” “I’m gonna need to see your supervisor.” So, I’m still in menopause. Yep. Breaking news. Just fighting off those hot flashes. But you know what angers me the most is when I’m watching TV, and I see all these commercials for men. They’re always fixing something for the dudes, you know? Yeah. And a lot of it, I don’t really see it as a problem. Yeah. Like, you know they’re, uh, fixing, uh, bent dicks now, did you know that? Have you seen that ad with the, with the bent carrot? They’re fixing bent dicks now. I say, “Fuck you.” I don’t give a shit about your bent dick. That… I think gout is more important than that. How did that even get on the to-do list, bent dicks? “Ah, poor Peter has a banana dick. Aah.” “It’s not funny, Wanda, it can cause infertility and painful…” I don’t give a shit. I don’t. I don’t care about your crooked dick, your hooked dick, your bent dick, banana dick, I don’t give a fuck. I’m over here growing a full beard, sweating through my sheets every night. Fuck you and your hooked dick. I don’t give a shit if your dick curves so much that when you bend over, you fuck yourself in the ass. I don’t care! I don’t. I don’t care. I don’t. Suffer in silence, please. I was like, “What treatments are out there?” You know, because I can’t take the, you know, the patch or the hormones because of the type of breast cancer I had, right? So I can’t take them. So that’s why I kind of wish that, that men… Okay, I don’t wish, I pray, that men would go through a little menopause, you know? ‘Cause then maybe they’ll find something to help us. Right? Like, what, what if, uh, if guys, like… Okay, let’s just say, like, one, one of your testicles, right? Let’s just say one of your testicles would just start throbbing a little bit. So you’ll know it’s coming. Like it’d have, like, an aura to it. And then all of a sudden, it, it swells up, and whoosh! It catches on fire. You know? You have, like, a nut flash, just whoosh! And, and it could be the right one, it could be the left one, you never know. And, and it happens, like, six, seven times a day. Just, that thing just going like that. Whoosh! You go, “Oh shit!” “Nut flash! Nut flash!” I would love that. But you know, they’d give them some relief, right? They’ll probably start making underwear with little fans in them or something. Or just make it legal where guys can walk around with their nuts out. You’re like, “Oh, my God, his nuts are out!” “It’s okay. He’s going through something.” “He has a note from his doctor. Leave the man alone.” You know those lactation stations you see at the airport? They’ll shut those down. Yeah. They’ll become ball-cooling rooms. You’ll see dudes in there just… Whooo… “Uh, this is a doozy. Oh, boy.” “How’s it going, Pete?” “Oh man, it’s bad. It’s bad. It’s bad.” “Hey, Pete, did you do something different with your penis?” “Yeah, I got that hook out. You know? “Okay, all right, now for… Let’s go over first quarter earnings.” “If you look, uh, you see sales were up.” “Sales were up by 22%, and that, um…” Hmm. “That, uh…” “That totally crushed what our target was, 22%. This is a bad one. Oh, my God.” “Hank, get over here and blow on my balls, please.” So, I saw my doctor recently, and, uh, my breast doctor, because it’s time to replace my breasts. Yeah. I got too many miles on these. So… So he said, so he said, “It’s time to replace them.” But he gave me an option. For those of you who don’t know Esther, when I got in my forties, I got this fat roll. It ain’t going nowhere, so I just named it. This is Esther. Esther loves bread, alcohol, and cheesecake. That’s all she wants. “Where my drink!” “I want some cheesecake!” So, so I heard Esther rumbling, and she was like, “What’d he say?” I was like, “Esther, he’s not talking to you, he’s not talking to you.” And I told the doctor, I was like, “Email me, email me.” I said, “Email me, ’cause Esther can’t read. Email me.” “Email me the details, right?” So, uh, cause you know, I think I’m gonna do it, it makes sense, you know. But then I… I get nervous, ’cause I keep having these thoughts, you know, like, “What if I take Esther and put her up here, and she tries to choke me to death in my sleep?” You know, Esther’d be like, “I hate you!” “I can’t taste nothing up here. I hate you!” Or what if she, she gets los… You know, she longs for home and she works her way back down? You know, and I have some long, droopy titties? You know. Esther be up here just doing squats. [grunting] Trying to get back down. “I’m back, baby!” You know. But I think I’m gonna do it. I think I’m gonna do it. Yeah. I do. They’re good doctors. And that’s important, you know? Although I did have to, uh, change gynecologists, ’cause my old gynecologist, oof, she was, she was just chatty. Just talked too much, you know, like… I don’t mind talking before the exam starts. But once I get in the stirrups, you shut the fuck up. You know what you did. Get the hell out of here. Don’t even look at me! But this doctor, man, she was just too, too chatty, you know? It’s like, she would talk like we were good friends or something. You know, I… I get in there, and I’m… and I’m in the stirrups, I’m in the stirrups, and she’s like, um, “Hey, Wanda, you know, they just opened a Greek restaurant on the corner.” “Maybe if you have some time, you could stop and get some lunch.” I’m like, “Is this bitch really talking hummus?” So then I started having thoughts. And up. Use your knees, Page. Come on, push it."}